Upset at friends son who keeps hitting mine!

Not really formal self defence but tell your son to hit him back. Don't say anything about it to your friend. Job done.

His mum got quite upset

so fucking what??? Honestly? So what?

Arent you upset? In fact arent you more upset???

My dd has been corrected if she hits from under 2. At 2 y 9m she knows not to hit and to expect a consequence.
This child is poorly parented and your friend is the problem

Why on earth would you let her and her son behave like this to your poor DS. She cant be that amazing to allow you to let your ds be treated so poorly????

If shes such a great friend ask her how she plans to deal with his hitting. If she doesnt have a clear plan say "it doesnt sound like you have a clear plan or strategy to prevent your son hurting my son or other children so it best we dont socialise with the kids going forward"

You are legit doing her and yourself a favour addressing this now
hthere are several threads on here from women who who have "friend A" whose kids hurt OPs children and damage / break things in their house. they want to cut contact but "feel bad" as they are friend As only friend as no one else was willing to put up with her bullshit parenting and arsehole kids

You want a 3.5 year old to learn self defence?

🤦🏼‍♀️

That sound exhausting and will only eventually build resentment from your end from your friend because if only she could adequately discipline her child to not hit other children, you wouldn’t have to be doing all of this vigilant work and running around to make sure your son isn’t being abused by another child. You’ll be spending more time watching the children than you will talking to your friend, you will be on edge every time that child steps too close to yours. Is it all really worth that? No. Please protect your child and walk away.

You need to ask yourself why you value a person who clearly has no morals or ethics and better yet, why would you even want someone in your life who allows your child to be hit to be your friend when they could HELP the situation instead of sitting back and letting it unfold time and time again?

Surely being alone or finding new friends with normal tendencies is better than allowing the abuse of your child OP 💐

If she is as dear a friend as you say, she shouldn't take offence if you tell her you are not happy that her son keeps hitting yours.

Where are the men in this situation? Are they just standing by watching this happen?

I think you can address this delicately and see how it goes. I think using words like unacceptable won't go down well and you might have to rehearse how to have the conversation because it's going to be difficult. I'd rehearse this tbh if it was a relationship I valued.

I would meet up and when you do, in this situation I personally would say, ' I feel like you were hurt or offended last time we met when I told Johnny not to hit Timmy.

Then I would sit back and let her talk. See what she says. She might tell you something you didn't expect, she might downplay it which will be difficult.

I'd say, I know some people don't appreciate someone else telling them how to parent or telling their child off. I was conscious of this when I spoke to Johnny, I was trying to be as gentle as possible so not to overstep. It is pretty difficult as Timmy is struggling with being hit sometimes and I feel as his mum I can't just sit back and not say something. Can we just have a chat about it.

If she loses her shit or is unreasonable then you can't do any more can you. It's possible she may get defensive and I kind of understand if she has a spirited child that is more physical that she might do. It's pretty unreasonable for someone to be ok with their kid smacking another without saying something at all. I find that odd.

If you really value her then I can't think of any way to approach this and guage views.

Then the other option is to play her at her own game. Be ultra protective and whisk your child away every time her child gets close.

Also tell her that you can’t have your child hit again so will need to keep the dc separated at meet ups.

But really it’s going to be difficult to enforce this so your child is going to keep getting hit.

Yes ^

“Our children aren’t getting along” places the blame on both kids which is as kind as you should be tbh because your son isn’t actually doing anything wrong but you rightly don’t want him to become a doormat who accepts being hit by other kids. If your son is unable to cope with being hit and lashes out then he could end up hurting your friend’s son and nobody wants that.

But she isn’t tackling it. And it doesn’t sound like she’s going to.

At the moment your child is a punch bag for her child.

Protecting your child should be your priority.

You don’t have to keep taking your son back there to be hit by this other child. I understand she’s your friend but it is not your place to tell another child off who is not yours, all you can do is protect your own child by not taking him to this woman’s home to be hit. Until that phase is over, explain to your friend that you won’t be seeing her or her child. She really doesn’t sound like much of a friend either, she definitely shouldn’t be allowing her child to hit yours and I understand your frustration completely but it is not your place to discipline someone else’s child, all you can do is do the best for your child by not putting him in harms way knowingly and repeatedly.

She’s quite a close friend of mine and she’s really nice overall. I dont want to throw the entire friendship away.

Don't put your friend and your friendship before your son.

I wouldn't say that OP. Not sure if that was a joke. You have different kids with different parenting approaches so the best way all round is to meet up without the kids. I'd probably make excuses to justify it as it's such a delicate subject that could impact the friendship.

Can you both dump kids on husband and meet up on your own for regular coffees for an hour and just develop your connections this way. It sounds much more rewarding for both of you. You can't force these things with the kids sometimes.

Just tell her that at this stage of their development, the age gap is clashing.

You say,

“Not at the moment. Our children clearly aren’t getting along. Let’s give them their space.”

Agree with PP suggestion to meet without the kids. Just say it's upsetting your son and once her DS has grown out of this stage you can meet up with the kids in tow again. It's weird she got so upset by your very gentle reprimand when he's going to get a retaliatory shove back off another child sooner or later.

I think you need to do more to protect your son.

Sounds like your child is getting hit regularly which is horrible.

Your friend is not a nice person because she is ok with your son being hit, as her actions show,

She’s not your friend.

Friends don’t sit there like a limp lettuce when their friend’s children are being injured.

Tell her your DS needs some space as the violence is impacting him and you don’t want him to think that hitting is okay.

But also, where has he learnt to hit? Is he being hit? Something to think about.

Address it with your friend and if she isn't dealing with it, back off from the friendship. It's good to teach your child there are unacceptable behaviours that he shouldn't tolerate.

If you don't you might end up like a crazy person I know yelling 'we don't grab peoples necks' at a 3 year old in a leisure centre as his mum sits playing candy crush.

I'm the crazy person, and I let that boy get physical with mine far more than I should have. I've never been so relieved to end an unhealthy friendship, I wish I'd never let it get to that point.

Nothing to say that you can't say anything. If he hits your son - both you and your son need to say to him that he's not being very kind and remove yourselves. Then take yourselves off to another corner of the room or leave altogether. You are just reinforcing that his behaviour is not okay with you - so you leave. Do it every time he behaves that way and eventually he'll learn or you will have lost a friend. Either way you are protecting your son - he's been good not to retaliate so far.

You were not rude. Sometimes a telling off (yours was so gentle it doesn’t even sound like a telling off) from a stranger is more effective than a parent.

Stick to seeing your friend without the kids there.