Upset at friends son who keeps hitting mine!

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Is that really what you want to teach your son??

You should be teaching him to move away and that you, as his mum have his back and put him first. That unfortunately means keeping him away from the other child if their parents don't stop the hitting, son unfortunately, yes, this is your sacrifice to make and that means accepting less meet ups if needs be to meet without your DS and putting him in that position.

Really think about it: if your husband liked meeting his mate and his mares wife smacked you each time, what do you think would make you happy, stopping making you go or telling you that he can't stop her so you need to sort it yourself?

It's beyond unfair of you to make this your sons problem to solve. Does hitting back apply to girls? What age are you going to unpick that lesson? So damaging to teach him wrong to avoid an awkward and direct conversation woth your friend. You'll be teaching him that he's on his now to solve problems and mum won't help.

I think as well, when you have a 2 yr old, a 3.5 yr old seems an awful lot bigger and she probably has unreasonable expectations of your son's capacity to equably tolerate being hit by a smaller and younger child.

Just to add a different perspective, I am the mum who’s kid always ended up resorting to physical behaviour- he’s now 4 and diagnosed as autistic so makes more sense now but for me it was absolutely mortifying any time he did anything to another child. It got to the point where I felt anxious about going on play dates and I’ve left them in tears a few times because I just felt sick that once again it was my kid that couldn’t control himself. He would often also cry on the way home and then hurt himself because he felt so ashamed. So it’s not always a matter of shit parenting and naughty kids which seems to often be the general vibe on mumsnet. That said, I watched him like a hawk constantly (which is why play dates are never relaxing for me) and rarely let it get to the point of proper hurting another child. And then I’ve left things early because his behaviour was clearly showing me he wasn’t coping and it was time to go for everyone’s sakes. I wouldn’t have been offended if someone said something to him at all, although I did find that other people were never very quick to judge their own kids behaviour- as I found my kid was often not the one to start an argument with another kid, but he was often the one to finish it! So obviously that’s not acceptable but also it would have been nice for the other parent to accept that their kid was also not being great when they snatched toys or shouted at my son etc. so it did feel a bit like we were always the ones being judged. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, just to add another perspective.

@AmberSnake She’s quite a close friend of mine and she’s really nice overall. I dont want to throw the entire friendship away
The problem is that i don’t want this to have a big strain on our friendship

As a parent you have one job: to look after your child / look out for them / protect them / make sure they feel loved and safe

Do you really think her feelings are more important than your child's feelings??

It's your choice

Advocate for your child. If the mum is not going to stop her child, then step up. If she says anything, explain that you’re advocating for your child and don’t want him to be hit.

Your son doesn’t need to learn self defence and I wouldn’t teach him to hit back. This isn’t an older child picking on him, this is a 2 year old that isn’t been taught correct behaviour and doesn’t have impulse control.

I also wouldn’t damage a friendship over this but if she continues to get upset if you chide her son (and you should continue if her boy hits your son and she fails to say anything) then just say to her that you feel you need to step in on behalf of your son as you don’t want him whacking her kid back or getting upset.

She’s probably very aware of the hitting phase and is defensive but just hasn’t learn that being stern with your kids if they demonstrate poor behaviour isn’t going to scar them for life if you are a good loving parent the rest of the time.

You need to tell her that her son hitting your son is unacceptable, yes there's an age difference but she needs to parent her son

I was lucky with friends. We met through NCT and parented the dcs collectively. Not really telling off big time or anything. We would use phrases like “no thank you” and asked them to have “kind hands”. Perhaps you could try this. I’d probably block him or pull your ds towards you as saying this.

"It makes DS upset and anxious to be hit, I'm afraid, so I won't be able to meet up with the kids just now as I can't put him in that situation. Happy to meet up without kids though for a coffee."

My 3.5 years old DS would be very vocal if we kept meeting someone with a child who hits him. Why don’t you say “DS doesn’t want to meet up with you because he’s said it upsets him when he gets hit, happy to meet up but will need to make sure he isn’t being hurt”. I have an 18 month old who likes to give a good whack and when she does we intervene very quickly with a firm No. we also watch her like a hawke and if she looks like she’s gonna hit we jump in, say no and move her away…

The worst thing about all this is you and your partner thinking it’s ok to repeatedly put your child in a situation where he is getting hit and no adult is stepping in. You ain’t gonna change her parenting, you can’t really encourage your son to hit a younger child, the only solution I see is not to see them while the kid goes through this phase. If their parenting is that rubbish though, there will likely be more problem behaviours that are left unchecked that your son will bear the brunt of. I honestly wouldn’t bother. Just meet up without the kids.

Don't let your child learn that he needs to be abused to maintain someone else's feelings. She's not a good friend if she doesn't stop her child from hitting yours.

Give the kids a break from each other and say as much to her, I expect your child finds it too upsetting. You can meet mum in the evenings.

I did this and after 3 months the child had got out of the routine of hitting mine.

Either:

Meet her alone

Tell little Jimmy off

Tell your son to belt Jimmy back twice as hard

If your friend isn’t dealing with it then I would tell the child off a lot more firmly than you did. Who cares if that upsets her? Presumably you and your son are unhappy with the situation. Why are her feelings more important than both of yours?

A firm “we don’t hit” or just “no” every time anyone does something to your child they don’t like. It’s your job to teach your child this and show them how. Never worry about upsetting another parent of a badly behaved child, that isn’t your job.

Situations where you like a friend but don’t like their parenting will continue to happen now you’re a parent. Meet up with them without children.

You can't let your kid keep getting bitten and hit because you find it 'too awkward' to say anything, OP!

Tell her you'll meet up with her without DS. If she asks why, tell her he doesn't want to come because he hates being hurt and not being able to retaliate.

It really is that simple.

But don't throw away a good friend over toddlers pushing, work out a strategy and work through it

Your son needs to come first.

Your friend may be a nice person but she’s a crap mother.
Good for you for defending your little boy.

You need to teach your DS to stand up for himself! He is being beaten up by a kid half his age! Teach him how to say no and push him off, or if that doesn't work to clobber him back.

I agree with others saying not to keep meeting up with her. Maybe then she’ll take the hint. The child is only 2 but they need to be told off for that behaviour else how are they going to know it’s wrong? This is on the mum and not the child.

Unless she is willing to sit right by her son so she can anticipate him hitting then I wouldn't be willing to have my child around her.

I have a 2 year old and if he gets rough, he is firmly told no and removed for a short while. If it happened again, I'd just leave.

What she should be doing is standing over her own child ready to pre-empt and divert. It’s exhausting for her but also appropriate parenting.

Therefore, I would be warning your son about how you intend to make the visit work so he is expecting to be diverted himself at short notice and I would be standing over my own son and swerving him quickly when danger looms.

Friend can like it or lump it.

Don't put your child In a situation you know they are going to get hurt in ...