to bail on NYE plans?

Genuine question - why say yes in the first place?

There really is if you have already committed and they have bought a load of food! It’s utterly selfish a mean. I don’t think you should have friends if you have zero issues with treating them this badly.

It's not "putting yourself first"

It's more balancing your short term wishes ( to stay in) against yo ur long term needs to have friends

If you don’t want to go, don’t. Life is too short to people please and be in situations you don’t want to be in.
I was also due to go to a friends tonight, I’ve bought a load of alcohol and she’s bought a load of food, but I want to stay home with my little family and do a quiet one. I cancelled two days ago, I got a thumb up reaction and she hasn’t spoken to me since. But there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first!

We've had a few threads lately where people haven't turned up to posters parties and they have been left feeling really awful. Everyone thinks it's only me, I won't matter in a group, but if enough people do it the thing is completely ruined for the host, who often feels embarrassed and not cared about. So as a general rule I think if you agree to go, you go.

I would say it’s more to stop the host feeling angry towards her. Either way the host will feel disappointed. But if she’s honest and says she can’t be arsed, the host will be both disappointed and annoyed. If she lies and says she’s ill, the host will be disappointed but will accept it because it’s the correct way to be if someone is ill.

Edited to add, so it’s a lie to benefit the flaker not the host.

Sorry you have to go
Don't worry about the spinach dip though

I would say this is to save the host's feelings - obvs op shouldn't have agreed to go but she did. Or she could get there and say she feels a bit ropey and can't stay long.

Nah don’t be that person. Go this evening even if only for a bit. And make a NY resolution to consult every part of yourself before saying yes to things in 2025.

A white lie is something you tell, to save someone's feelings, not because you're covering your own bad behaviour. For example "No, your new haircut looks fine! It frames your face".

If you CBA to stick to a plan you've made, and feel guilty about it, and make something up so that others don't know about your poor behaviour, it's just a regular lie.

I wouldn't flake on this one, I'm afraid.

I can't stand weddings and am no lover of identikit parties of the formal/semi-formal variety either. I'm of the 'it's not a summons' variety and decline any formal invitation I possibly can. But I do think that once an invitation's accepted, illness or emergency excepted, I would show up. It's good manners.

I imagine they already know that you're flaky and won't be surprised that you pull out.

OP just go. Do you do this a lot? Flake out on plans because you just don’t feel like it?

I know you say that you like a quiet life but you will lose your friends if you don’t bother with them. I’ve had a few situations recently where friends have needed help and I (and others) have really gone above and beyond to help them because they were in a bad situation and we know that they are good friends and would do the same for us.

Hear, hear

I agree with @WatcherWatch too. Friendships with flakey people are impossible to maintain. It's just a constant reminder that you are not important but that they really, really are. If I had invited 10 people to mine for NYE I would have gone through the trouble of finding a way to seat everyone, making sure I had enough clean glasses, plates, cutlery, serving dishes, napkins etc. If they start to pull out on the day for reasons such as I don't feel like coming anymore I would have been really disappointed.

@WatcherWatch totally agree. There's more of this attitude nowadays.

I have a core group of friends who I sometimes see together but 2 I'm very close to. I can totally rely on all. Also have the flaky outer circle. I barely bother with them now.

I say go tonight, and then make your new year's resolution to think it through before accepting invitations.

@WatcherWatch I agree with what you've said.

I think it'd be really unfair on your friends who are probably looking forward to spending their NYE with you. We can't just always justify letting people down because we don't want to do things.

YABU

If you've said you will go then you should keep your word and go. Can't stand flakey people who change their mind at the drop of a hat and let people down.

Well said @WatcherWatch

I can’t stand this attitude of just “do what makes YOU happy” at the expense of everyone else.

Obviously if you are actually unwell that’s a totally different story.

But just “I don’t fancy it anymore so I’ll bail on my friends” is just treating your friends like crap. And then people wonder why their friends aren’t there for them later on. Relationships take work. In order to have friends you have to be a friend. Sometimes you need to put others first. Not at the expense of your own health or anything. But if someone has put a lot of effort into organising something and you don’t bother turning up because you can’t be arsed anymore then just be honest with them why so they can be sure not to ask you again.

Unless you’re actually ill I would go.

You may well enjoy it more than you think you will.

You don't have to stay long after midnight.

You will be helping to make society less flaky. Mumsnet is full of threads from disappointed hosts. You don’t know who else will drop out.

I agree. DD has had a couple of friends bail on her for tonight. She feels very let down.

I would go but only for an hour - set yourself a time limit, eg I will go at 7 and leave at 8pm. They are my friends so they will understand.

Yeah, just do what you feel like doing at all times and with no regard for anyone else.