Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I cope with this!?

108 replies

Shutball · 30/12/2024 19:26

So I decided to end my marriage about 4 months ago and I got a call today to tell me he has took them on a day out with another woman. How can you possibly go from a long term relationship and then go into another one straight away!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 20:36

Sceptical123 · 31/12/2024 20:14

I don’t think this is a real thread. Either that or you’ve been drinking/ are on some kind of strong medication. If this is real I don’t think I’ve read a less self-aware post.

Show quote history

If I wouldn’t have known about it it’s different

OP posts:
Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 20:36

cartagenagina · 31/12/2024 20:19

Oh.

Have you still been shagging him?

No

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 31/12/2024 20:19

Oh.

Have you still been shagging him?

Sceptical123 · 31/12/2024 20:14

Shutball · 31/12/2024 17:36

I don’t want him back, It was just the shock. I would never go back now anyway after him telling me has slept with somebody else. Even though I have it’s non of his business.

Show quote history

I don’t think this is a real thread. Either that or you’ve been drinking/ are on some kind of strong medication. If this is real I don’t think I’ve read a less self-aware post.

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 19:54

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 19:05

You're allowed to cry, it's good for you.

Obviously avoid doing it in front of the kids as they're going through their own pain.

Show quote history

He has just gone to give me a hug for new year but I couldn’t, I was shaking inside

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 19:05

Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:59

I do try and hide my pain but sometimes I do cry. I get myself together again though soon after.

Show quote history

You're allowed to cry, it's good for you.

Obviously avoid doing it in front of the kids as they're going through their own pain.

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:59

StMarie4me · 31/12/2024 18:46

@Shutball by ensuring that I remained the steady constant for my boys. By hiding my pain so that they were ok.
Exh has been a drama queen throughout. Money is his only interest. My adult sons know what's what, who's who, and who held it together for them.

I do try and hide my pain but sometimes I do cry. I get myself together again though soon after.

OP posts:
StMarie4me · 31/12/2024 18:46

@Shutball by ensuring that I remained the steady constant for my boys. By hiding my pain so that they were ok.
Exh has been a drama queen throughout. Money is his only interest. My adult sons know what's what, who's who, and who held it together for them.

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:42

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:25

Tell him not to then?

Do you both own the house?

Show quote history

Yes but for now I am staying here. We have been here so many times, last time he told me liked the same woman and I stupidly begged for him back. We didn’t tell the kids last time as I wasnt 100% and thought he would change. He doesn’t want the family life, he was out most days of the week

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:25

Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:24

I deserve my privacy too. If I am going to move on it’s not a good idea for him to be coming round for hours and I can never get him to leave.

Tell him not to then?

Do you both own the house?

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:24

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:23

And if you two are going to co-parent, there will probably be other things you'll end up doing for the sake of the kids like parents evenings/birthday parties etc.

Show quote history

I am absolutely fine with that. It’s all just a bit raw at the minute for us all. I’m trying to do what is best

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:24

Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:23

I don’t agree. He can’t come into my house asking who bought me flowers, where are those shoes from when I don’t even know where he lives. It’s not fair

Show quote history

Ok no probs, just tell him you don't want him in the house if he's going to question these things.

He'll either pack it in for the kid's sake, or drop them off at the door.

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:24

I deserve my privacy too. If I am going to move on it’s not a good idea for him to be coming round for hours and I can never get him to leave.

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:23

Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:07

Why on earth would he want to come round here with the kids and eat Chinese?

And if you two are going to co-parent, there will probably be other things you'll end up doing for the sake of the kids like parents evenings/birthday parties etc.

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:23

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:22

Perhaps the kids wanted him to?

When I split up with my ex, the first Christmas was the hardest for us all.

We tried to do a few little things like that together, to make it a bit easier on them.

Show quote history

I don’t agree. He can’t come into my house asking who bought me flowers, where are those shoes from when I don’t even know where he lives. It’s not fair

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:22

Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:07

Why on earth would he want to come round here with the kids and eat Chinese?

Perhaps the kids wanted him to?

When I split up with my ex, the first Christmas was the hardest for us all.

We tried to do a few little things like that together, to make it a bit easier on them.

TieflingDruid · 31/12/2024 18:19

It reads as though whatever unhappy dance your relationship was leading that caused you to want to split up is still going on in a slightly new form. You’re still being disappointed by his choices and emotionally impacted that he’s not considering you the way you want to considered. If that’s what split you up then it was only ever going to get more not less after the split.

You left the relationship. You need to grey rock and focus on the best co parenting possible for your children. The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. Never tell or show him how you feel. Notice how you feel when his behaviour upsets you and then forget it. What’s happening at the moment is a recipe for your children to be burdened in some way with your emotional projections. Who cares why he does what he does (and remember someone who’s been in a two decade long relationship instinctively knows how to press emotional buttons even if they’re not doing it consciously). Add to that that hurt people hurt. If he didn’t want to split up then I would expect him to want another relationship PDQ and also to have learnt and not make the same mistakes the next time round. People who lurch from relationship to relationship making the same mistakes are often the ones who leave and instigate the breakup and don’t feel they’ve made any mistakes to correct.

It is so difficult when you move to a co- parenting relationship that you lose any control over how they parent in your absence. I suspect a lot of women stay in unsatisfactory but not terrible relationships to avoid that. The number of my parents’ friends that split once the kids left home was extraordinary.

I get the impresssion your kids are young. Sorry if I missed a post where you have said their ages. If they are you’re in this till the youngest is 20 at least. You can do. You just need to stop trying to control anything other than your own behaviour and actions.

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:07

Why on earth would he want to come round here with the kids and eat Chinese?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 18:05

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:03

He was in a bad marriage and his wife told him she wanted a divorce.

Both of them moved on immediately.

The only difference is he decided to stay with his sexual partner.

I don't see what he was supposed to hang around waiting for?

Show quote history

It’s not really the relationship I’m bothered about. It’s the kids and the fact that he doesn’t need to go into all the bloody details

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 31/12/2024 18:03

GivingitToGod · 31/12/2024 17:52

I understand how you feel OP. It's always alarmed me that people can enter into a new relationship so soon. IME, it is mostly men that do this so quickly, but not always.
Take care of yourself

Show quote history

He was in a bad marriage and his wife told him she wanted a divorce.

Both of them moved on immediately.

The only difference is he decided to stay with his sexual partner.

I don't see what he was supposed to hang around waiting for?

Original poster
Shutball · 31/12/2024 17:56

MildredSauce · 31/12/2024 17:54

You're right, I think. It's not helpful.

And if you are looking to mess with his head just a little, it feels like being proactive with boundaries and not enabling him to hang where he wants, will teach him a new found respect for you.

Show quote history

It’s what is best for everybody, we have all been through a lot. He doesn’t need to be walking around the house asking who bought those flowers. I don’t even know where he lives! This is my home and my space.

OP posts:
MildredSauce · 31/12/2024 17:54

Shutball · 31/12/2024 17:51

when he collects them he hangs around for ages and it just isn’t helping either of us, plus I’m sure his girlfriend wouldn’t be happy with that.

Show quote history

You're right, I think. It's not helpful.

And if you are looking to mess with his head just a little, it feels like being proactive with boundaries and not enabling him to hang where he wants, will teach him a new found respect for you.

XWKD · 31/12/2024 17:54

Shutball · 30/12/2024 20:13

I have been torturing myself, wondering I made the right decision. I think this just confirms I did

I hope this gives you some peace. There's noting worse than second guessing yourself.

GivingitToGod · 31/12/2024 17:52

Shutball · 30/12/2024 19:31

I just wish he would have spoke to me about it

Show quote history

I understand how you feel OP. It's always alarmed me that people can enter into a new relationship so soon. IME, it is mostly men that do this so quickly, but not always.
Take care of yourself

MildredSauce · 31/12/2024 17:51

PigglyWigglyOhYeah · 31/12/2024 17:47

These poor kids. Parents have split up. Dad has new woman (with child - a further rival for his affections) and mum is knobbing randoms on her 'night off'.

In a thread where imo there are some things to be challenged, the two comments made here are feckin uncalled for