For worrying my MIL has a hidden agenda

So what if there is a major fall out? These are your children. That trumps them being her grandchildren. You have to be an adult here and not fall into the child of the in laws, easily done.

If these other relatives aren't people you want to spend time with, why do you think they are entitled to the enjoyment of your children?

I wouldn’t like this and would find an alternative childcare option

I would make alternative childcare arrangements, too.

@DiamondGoldandSilver

Your DH needs to tell his mother that IF she wants to watch the DC she must agree NOT to take them to see 'X' and if she won't agree then you'll find care for the DC elsewhere. Also, if she agrees and you find out she did (presumably the DC will tell you if you ask them) then she will never have them other than for short visits or supervised.

It doesn't matter why you went LC/NC with this relative. The bottom line is that she is not respecting your boundaries.

I think you are over-thinking it and it would be a huge and cruel over-reaction to cancel her looking after the children.

I read it as she wouldn't have to worry about any further falling-out between you/DH and the difficult relation.

I think it’s really weird that her number one priority once you’re away is to take your children to visit someone you don’t see or like.

if you don’t want this person seeing your children then definitely find alternative childcare. Your MIL sounds a bit silly.

I'd take it as she meant she can do what she wants with the kids as you are not there to police her.

Have you or dh asked mil not to take the children to see the person?
surely that’s the first option.

I honestly think all it is; is your mil is still on good terms with the other person and is visiting as usual or/ and giving them opportunity to see the kids; which you are ok with? If your not just say and I'm sure she won't??? She probably mentioned it to see if there was objection 👌

Lastly re: the comment; I think it's was just a flippant joke. Like while the cats away; the mouse will play kind of throw away comment...no parents to spoil the fun. Not that you do; but grandparents do tend to spoil Grandchildren a bit and are generally a bit more lenient 👍. I wouldn't read too far into that 👌

Just express your not happy about the visit if your not or use it as the start of mending fences 👌. Then go enjoy your break...lucky sod 🤣😉❤️

I think it's impossible to tell if yabu or not without more understanding about what happened with the family member, who you say has apologised. In that case, how come you haven't moved on from whatever happened? Did you/Could you not accept the apology?

Having somebody to be willing to babysit for you and your dp to get some precious time together is so invaluable that I think I'd want to be trying to sort this tbh. The, 'No parents around' comment just sounds like a silly joke to me, trying to build up some excitement for the kids so it feels like a treat.

So you have an estranged family member on your DH's side of the family that you're both low contact with and your MiL thinks it's ok to goad you about this???
For whatever reason, this relative is estranged and at the very least MiL should just accept that. She shouldn't be goading you or your DH about this. You are both adults and you have made a decision to put some distance between you & your family (kids) and that should be the end of it. In fact, imo, the MiL should respect that decision even if she doesn't agree with it.

To be honest with you - I'd be getting your DH to tell his mother that if she intends to visit this family member, she will be doing it without your child(ren) as a decision made by him and you to minimise contact with this family member is still in place and you're not going to expose your child(ren) to this family member. MiL is quite entitled to visit with this family member but as he is the father of the child(ren) here, it will not include his child(ren). He should also tell her that continued efforts to re-unite the family will be met with resistance and in the meantime, you've found someone else who respects the decision and they will be looking after your child(ren) while you're away.

That's what I would do.

Stop pussyfooting around, and be more assertive. State quite clearly your wishes - if someone tries to alter that, it is THEM who are causing the argument. Find alternative care for your children - that is a clear message that MIL is not to be trusted. She is quite clearly relishing the idea of doing her own sweet thing, regardless of what you want!

I hate family disagreements where innocent children are dragged into something not of their making. This can cause permanent rifts in parts if the family and eventually no-one will understand what it was all about - unless you chose to perpetuate it by explaining your reasons to future generations.
While you are unhappy about how your MIL has made these arrangements and should tell her that she should have asked you first, what bad things do you think could arise from your children meeting this person?

She sounds like a testing old cow tbh. I would talk her about the comments now she is sober, unless she is very apologetic then I would consider alternative plans. It is disrespectful and a nasty passive aggressive comment. She at the least needs to know that you will call her out on poor behaviour

You DH needs to talk to his mum if you are both unhappy about her plans to visit someone with your DCs that you have good reason to have fallen out with.

Alternatively, make different care arrangements for your DCs and tell her why.

find an excuse to withdraw the request for help and find an alternative.

I would 💯 do this.

I would be wondering if this is part of a potentially bigger issue. In that whatever you request will be given lip service to your face (unless she is tipsy) then ignored when you are not around. The "it was ok in my day" syndrome.

Because churches are historically known for their excellent safeguarding procedures? 😆

Easily could have been 30 - 40 years ago or more when it happened!

Massive safeguarding fail on behalf of the church that they let this happen.

My MIL would say this sort of thing (indeed has in the past, but not in as serious a context as yours). What she means is “I am calling the shots re these children, not you”, asserting what she sees as her superior rights as a grandmother versus a mere mother. She very much sees herself as a matriarch, but because none of her DC or DC-in-law or GDC do she gets very frustrated and upset and that manifests as behaviour like this. She’s not horrible and she would never do anything to upset or harm her GDC, it’s really about her frustrated ambitions and her self-view.

Definitely find an alternative source of care for the kids if you can.

She should not be taking them to see this person and her manner in talking about it is very odd.

This is what I would do. How does your husband feel?

I think she probably just meant she was looking forward to having her grandkids without you and your DH being around, which is entirely normal.

I totally get the annoyance. However, I think in this case I would let it be. So she takes your kids to see this relative (and you have told us it's not a safeguarding issue)... I'm guessing if your kids are like mine, they'll take not a blind bit of notice of this random adult and it will have no lasting impact on them? Then you can come back from this holiday, well rested I hope, and carry on with your lives. Next time ask your own parents to help.

Hope you have a lovely trip away x