For worrying my MIL has a hidden agenda

There are so many issues that a simple, open conversation could resolve, rather than jumping to the immediate resolution of reduced contact.

But then Mumsnet would die a death!

Seriously, threads like these do my head in.
MIL mentioned she was planning to go. She gave OP the opportunity to say she'd rather she didn't. OP and husband kept quiet, basically giving MIL the impression that they didn't mind.

Mumsnet : NEVER HER HAVE THE CHILDREN AGAIN SHE'S A SPITEFUL DEVIOUS COW!!!!!!!

If you don't like what's being said then why sit in silence, OP? Ask her. She's intending to visit someone you disapprove of, but if you haven't voiced this then your MiL can hardly be expected to know about it.

She's your DH's mother. Why hasn't he asked her what she means by her comment about the children's parents not being around, matching tone for tone (ie jokey banter, if appropriate). It's all in the tone and context that it's difficult for strangers to gauge online. What are DH's feelings about this? Does he trust his mother to look after your children?

People are not mind-readers. There are so many issues that a simple, open conversation could resolve, rather than jumping to the immediate resolution of reduced contact. It's easier when everyone is well aware of where the boundaries lie. When these are broken, only then is it necessary to resort to more distanced measures.

Then she's being a bit of a goady twat, actually saying this to OP. She sounds like she was trying to wind OP up.

Taking the OP's children to see someone that OP and her DH are no longer in contact with due to a major disagreement seems like a strange thing to do if she wants to keep having time on her own with the children. OP is already thinking about trying to find someone else to look after her children so this could backfire on MIL.

Grandma is looking after OP 's kids for five days on the trot. That's something to be appreciative of, frankly. She loves the kids, they love her, they're all looking forward to it

Going by the OP, @DiamondGoldandSilver has never actually said that she doesn't want the children to see the relative. So there is absolutely no reason why grandma shouldn't do whatever she would normally do during that period.

Again, MIL has not hidden that she intends visiting them. I'm fact she's mentioned it several times. She is not being devious, nor is she going against any instruction that she's been given. She's expressed delight in a joking way, that she'll have the children to herself. I reckon that 90% of grandma's will have made that joke.

I'm astonished at the vitriol in most of the responses here, and at the voting.

I believe the comment about the parents not being present is MIL's attempt to put the blame for the original arguement on your shoulders. Is the family member on her 'side' by any chance?

Why can't she go for 5 days without seeing this person?

Is it your SIL

I'd have taken the "no parents around" but as separate to the visit, just to mean lots of spoiling of grandchildren, sweets, toys stay up late sort of stuff. Which I know some people get upset about but I always think doesn't matter at all for a short time!

Yeah ,she would not be having my kids alone ,in this situation

Can you leave the children with someone else? MIL is being controlling and sneaky but gloating about it into the bargain

Take control. If the other person has apologised maybe it’s time to build bridges on your terms. Invite them to your home, have MIL round too ahead of your trip away. It will take any gloaty wind out of Mil’s sails and smooth things over. You can all discuss what the plans are with the kids etc.

Look there is saying candidly

" @DiamondGoldandSilver i know you guys dont get on with Geraldine/ Gerard but I'd like to take the kids to a garden centre one day for some lunch and take the the kids while i have them for the week. Would you be okaywith that? What do you think?

And then there is this nonsense...

She kept mentioning taking them to see a family member ... then said something along the lines of, ‘and the best part is the parents won’t be around, yay!’

One is okay and one really isnt.

The OP and DH dont want contact.
We have no clue if "Gerry/Gerri" is perfectly nice or actually a totally unpleasant individual.

The problem is the boundary pushing its not repsectful to the parents and its not okay.
I had relationships with family members one of my parents was NC with but it was transparent clear and agreed upon. As an adult it wouldnt have mattered one way or another tbh...

Some people on MN seem determined to have family feuds at the drop of a hat imo, especially where mothers in law are involved. Surely there are ways of working things out without going in all guns blazing.

I agree with you, unless this relative has posed a risk to the children in the past or there's a safeguarding issue, I really couldn't get worked up about this. If the falling out had nothing to do with the kids then what bloody harm is the visit going to do.

Your MIL loves your children, the children love your MIL and will no doubt enjoy spending time with each other. Is this "visit" really worth more family drama and falling out? MIL has offered/agreed to look after your kids whilst you go on holiday, how bad can she be?

Life is too short for this bullshit, I don't know where people get the energy for it.

She’s going to take the kids to see that person, no doubt about that.

Sorry, but that’s a Red Flag for me and I’d be amending or cancelling that holiday. The children would remain with us.

I think this is a massive over reaction. MIL hasn't hidden this visit from you. She's been open about it. She's not being devious. The person has apologised to you. It's fine for you to have decided not to be involved with them, but again, it would be a different situation if they hadn't taken responsibility for what they did.

She loves the kids and they love her. Why spoil what could be lovely fee days for your children?

This would piss me off tbh. Basically, she is saying she can do as she likes while you are not there … I would wonder what else she would have in mind that you wouldn’t necessarily be happy about. Also will she be bad mouthing you to this family member and blaming you, saying that it’s such a shame you won’t let them see DC, possibly in front of the kids???

That. We grandparents almost all love having our grandkids to ourselves. It's a different kind of relationship, dvd it becomes closer and more relaxed. Joking about it is also pretty normal I think. I wouldn't necessarily connect that joke with the visit to the relative.

The comment about you not being around, was that said directly in relation to visiting the estranged family member? Or was a more a general comment about the five day stay? Because if it’s the latter I think I would interpret that as mum and dad aren’t around so we’ll be breaking a few rules, in a kind of fun/conspiratorial way that may or may not be harmless. If that a means a few late nights and some more treats than usual than I wouldn’t be too bothered, but if she has form for overstepping, not sticking to your rules in a more serious way or putting them at risk, then I’d be more concerned. If it was said directly in reference to the family member, I’d be more worried and suspicious about what they’ll be doing or possibly talking about in front of the children with you not there.
I would ask her to clarify what she meant by her comment.
So the family member has apologised for their behaviour but hasn’t really made an effort to build bridges and it sounds like you haven’t really forgiven them. You’ve already not objected to the visit and you might have hard time justifying not agreeing now based on that and the fact the person did apologise.
If you are really worried you would still be justified in changing the arrangements if you don’t trust mil to abide by your wishes. Maybe try to get clear in your mind what it is concerns you about it and make your decision from there.

You will be an "old cow" one day if you are lucky dear, let's hope your adult kids have more respect.

Agree with PPs - I don't like it one bit. Sounds underhanded. Very odd to arrange for your kids to see a relative that you have no contact with just because she wants it that way. From what you e written it feels like she has no respect for you and is glad you're out of the way.

@DiamondGoldandSilver - you wrote "however if I asked her not to take the children to see this person then there would be a major fallout. MIL is very close to this person and has sided with them in the past."

The thing is, MiL can visit this person. No issues there. She just isn't allowed to visit this person with your child(ren) in tow. You (your DH and you) are calling those shots and if she can't hack that, then that's on HER not you.

If there is major fall out, you simply say "We haven't stopped MiL from visiting X" and repeat this to anyone and every one who may 'side' with her.

I would say you don’t want such a visit arranged and if she persists with the idea you will make other arrangements for holiday baby sitting.
I’d expect her to cave in as it would affect her future relationship with you H and GC.
Talk to her about it in person not text or letter, make sure H on side too and stress visit with relative is totally unacceptable. It actually shows a massive disrespect to you/H that she’d even think all this is ok.