Her social life versus my social life.

Toxic. It won't change, it will get worse. Get out.

This is not a minor issue OP, it’s a major one. Her behaviour is seriously manipulative and controlling. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

This. You need to develop a backbone and meet fir tge memorial drink regardless. You didn't need her permission, doesn't sound lije you have dc to care for.

Live the way you want to live and completely ignore her sulks and tantrums. Maybe she will adapt when she sees that you are determined. If not then leave her or with luck she’ll get so annoyed, she’ll leave.

It's not a minor issue!
You are trapped in a life of work and housework which is not fun.
What would she say if you tell her it's important enough to ask for a mediator or marriage counselling

Oh I couldn't be bothered with all that .. no way, your a mug for
Giving into her, I'd tell
Her if it continues you want out of the relationship.

Does she ask for your permission when she goes out?

And what is with the huge disparity in working hours? - does she contribute equally financially, or are you subsidising her part time working AND doing the lions share of house stuff?

LTBitch

@travellinglighter I was in a similar position with my ex, I had 2 separate threads on the 2 issues, 1 around me doing the bulk of the work, childcare, housework, cooking. I downplayed the lack of respect for me, the double standards and the stress on me of having to carry all of the mental, financial and physical load.
My other thread was about her going out constantly and leaving me to deal with the children and everything else. She didn’t ever say that I couldn’t go out but my needs always came after her wants, so I was always running on empty and found it hard to advocate for myself.
She is still trying to control me via childcare arrangements, but mostly she is angry that I have a wonderful new life with far less stress and burden now that I am free from her.
I wish you the best and I hope you get free.

She is, she’s realised it, she cancelled her night out but she had to tell her son why as it was with him and he has told her off. I get on with her son and it was a long standing thing so I had no issues with putting her dad to bed
the only thing is op while your relationship sounds wrong, she was going out to meet her son? But that’s not really going out, it’s meeting her son. Maybe you do both need to properly talk this out (not saying it’s ok that it’s a big deal to her you going out/ working etc, just saying this particular example)

This sounds really abusive OP, no one should have to ask for permission to go out. If my DP is going out I would never object, I may remind him that we have plans the next day but he's an adult so I would expect him to still partake in the plans even if he is hungover etc. Do you what causes her to he so controlling?

I can’t believe she made you cancel then went out herself. Time to start 2025 as you mean to go on, or you’ll be sat here in another year with the same
problem.

It won't get better and there's every chance it will get worse. It really is not a minor issue. Don't run with the sunken costs fallacy just because you have one broken relationship behind you. This one is no good either.

Doesn't sound a minor issue to me . It sounds very controlling , using bad behaviour from stopping you having contact with friends . In fact it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all

Why are you even asking? Just TELL her!

Isn't** equal

This is an equal relationship.

And on top of that you're being emotionally abused and controlled.

What does she bring to your relationship?

This isn't a minute issue. Why are you asking hey permission to see your friends? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Counselling - for you, by yourself.

Start living the life you want to live - I don't mean be an arsehole or exact revenge, just stop letting her control you.

So if the norm from her is to say 'hey im going out on x date' then you do the same. If she wants to sulk etc, ignore it, just continue to chat in a pleasant manner, do normal household stuff when you're home.. she will only be making life miserable for herself in the long run.

And all the while, sort out your finances and future plans, and then when it is appropriate for you to do so.. fuck off out of it.

Goodness this is awful. She is so controlling please do get out of this relationship. I am the sociable one between me and DH but I don't stop DH going out. We may need to discuss date's or rearrange things as we have 3 kids but we both get to go. When I say I am the sociable one I rarely go out drinking or partying. Your more likely to find me hill climbing with a friend than in a pub. DH doesn't do anything like that but does golf.

You definitely need time for a social life too. I wouldn't pit this against her social life - make clear to her that it's not about her reducing her socializing. For the first half of your post I felt there was a lot of resentment about her going out and having good friends. I could be wrong about this though, not sure if it's just the way you wrote it.
But if she doesn't help make time/let you socialize after you speak to her about your socializing needs - then that is really not okay and is controlling behavior. You both should be free to socialize as much as you want.

I’m the social one with hobbies outside the home in our relationship but I’d move heaven and earth to support my DH to attend a pub memorial.

She's controlling your social life it isn't fair and you do a lot in the home from what you said
Me and dp work he works more hours then me but I do the cooking cleaning etc and that's perfect he does the shopping takes me to work and collects me I don't drive he also does household chores if needed we split our partnership equally I certainly wouldn't begrudge him going out not that either of us do to be honest through choice

Just tell her you need to go out and equal number of times for the next month or you will leave. This is a terrible relationship for you - LTB

Stop worrying about how this will affect other people. You are not responsible for how it affects them and you should not stay in an abusive relationship to shield their feelings. You need to think about yourself. It's not selfish, it's necessary for your own happiness and mental wellbeing. I think you have been putting it off because you know she will be difficult, angry and do everything she can to make life difficult for you. Remember that however awful it gets, it will be worth it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eyes on that prize and focus on the end result. You will be happy again.