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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cancelled NYE plans - who is BU?

137 replies

GenerationAlphabet · 30/12/2024 18:29

Deliberately trying to be vague/neutral so I can sense check this without all the backstory.

Fairly new couple, X & Y have plans to spend NYE together at one of their homes. Both are very busy so they see each other around once or twice a month usually. X has developed a moderate cold so Y cancelled the plans. X is annoyed because Y is getting over a cold anyway and upset because they will be spending NYE alone. Y doesn’t want to risk catching another cold because they’ve already had a couple over the last month.

Who, if anyone, is BU?

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 30/12/2024 20:11

In order to move on cleanly, just end things clearly but perfectly pleasantly ‘this isn’t going to work out for us, thanks for everything’ rather than ghosting or ‘you’re a dick’

Realdeal1 · 30/12/2024 20:10

@GenerationAlphabet whomever cancelled plans isn't into the person with the cold. If someone likes you, they will make plans. I say this as someone who was faded out with tales of sickness

makingdecisionsforme · 30/12/2024 20:09

If X and Y lived together then they wouldn't have a choice re catching the illness of the other one. It's not always the case but it happens. I don't understand why you would cancel anything due to a cold of your partner..... I did chuckle as we have 2 DCs and one isn't nursery, other a baby, this house is a permanent sick note and we see people all the time/don't tell them we are ill yet again. It's non stop.

ReluctantSwimMum · 30/12/2024 20:08

I've read your update. LTB and tell him clearly.

manybirdsnests · 30/12/2024 20:08

Thanks for update, OP.
Sounds like you've made up your mind for valid reasons.

Personally I would go with 'thanks for everything, good wishes, goodbye'. Then you can look back and feel proud of your conduct, and move on with positivity.

Original poster
GenerationAlphabet · 30/12/2024 20:07

Catching up on further posts - we live an hour away from each other and he lives in shared accommodation so it makes more sense for him to come to mine. I suspect he’s already made other plans anyway. He did seem to be playing up my symptoms saying ‘what if it’s flu’ but I was clear it was just a moderate cold and we’d discussed/compared symptoms. We’ve exchanged colds previously.

This post has really helped me process what it is that’s bothering me so much and I think it’s because I’ve still not forgiven him for leaving me to go through the termination alone. It was very painful and upsetting but he can’t even brave a cough and runny nose to be there for me. But oh well. I’ve done a lot of work on being more boundaried over the last year so didn’t let myself fall for him until he’d proven himself. I can say with certainty that it’s his loss.

OP posts:
cardibach · 30/12/2024 20:06

CollyModdle · 30/12/2024 18:39

Bleugh, being up close and personal with someone with a cold is not pleasant. It’s a matter of handing over mugs of Lensip from a safe distance and avoiding the pile of used tissues.

I would avoid catching a cold just as returning to work.

I’m not like this with an ordinary cold. Bit snotty. Take paracetamol or lemsip that I manage to get myself. I’m not antisocial to be with.

LetsNCagain · 30/12/2024 20:06

I'm so sorry you had to deal with a termination on your own. What a wanker is Y.

rwalker · 30/12/2024 20:06

X has done nothing wrong with Y is being ridiculous

teraculum29 · 30/12/2024 20:03

when I had better health, I would be upset about the cancelation,
but this days when I am constantly ill since middle of November I get it.

i haven't properly recover yet, so my immune system is still weak, and with close exposure to someone ill i would catch it again.

Original poster
GenerationAlphabet · 30/12/2024 19:56

Forgot to add that he’s in good health but catches a lot of viruses from the kids he works with. He can be a hypochondriac though. He once bruised his knee and convinced himself he had a life threatening condition. I had to talk him out of going to A&E in the early hours of the morning. I was sympathetic and kind about it of course.

He doesn’t know I’m pissed off as I accepted his reasons graciously. We ended the call by wishing each other a good NYE but I need to start the year as I mean to go on.

OP posts:
Original poster
GenerationAlphabet · 30/12/2024 19:53

Thanks so much to those that answered the question. You’ve mostly confirmed what I was thinking. I’m X (woman), he’s Y which was probably obvious.

To answer a couple of questions, the cold is moderate I’d say. I slept a lot the first day or so and now have a runny nose (not snotty or bunged up) and an infrequent cough, so still damn sexy 😆. I’ve cleaned the entire house today to give an idea but would avoid crowds/groups so I don’t pass it on to lots of people. We compared symptoms and agreed that the cold he’s just had sounds very similar. He works in a home for looked after children (teens) so catches everything going and they’ve all just had noro apparently but I didn’t say he couldn’t come. When we discussed it on the phone, he said he would think about it but seemed to be leaning towards coming. I joked that he was waiting to see if he could find a better offer and I think that’s what’s likely happened.

I’d already decided this was the last straw for me but I was cognisant of the fact that it’s his prerogative to want to avoid a cold so wanted to check if this is a valid reason to end the relationship. And if it was just this in isolation, I would have brushed it off as one of those things but of course there’s a whole back story.

We were in a relationship not so long ago but I broke it off earlier this year because he’s let me down on a handful of occasions including leaving me to deal with a termination on my own. It all started to feel disrespectful. I’ve actually been very happy on my own but he asked for another chance saying he’d not been in a good place and as he’s a nice enough guy, I agreed but told him one strike and he’s out.

It actually suits me the casual nature of our current relationship, it was him saying he wanted to progress to something more serious once he’s earned my trust back but he’s fallen at the first hurdle. The saying ‘if he wanted to, he would’ is what I keep coming back to.

Now to decide how to end it. Block and delete or ‘thanks for everything and goodbye’ or ‘you’re such a dick and goodbye’? I know he doesn’t really care so it makes no odds to him but I want to move on in the best way for me.

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 30/12/2024 19:49

I think they should both grow up! If they were so invested in the relationship they surely they wouldn't let a snotty nose get in the way would they! Sound like a pair of drama queens TBH

Snowmanscarf · 30/12/2024 19:46

A cold can be a slight sniffle, or it could be full on illness. Depends on degree of cold.

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/12/2024 19:44

Twice a month does not make a good relationship and Y is clearly not that into X.

Ironthrone · 30/12/2024 19:43

Seeing each other once or twice a month is not a relationship.

Crazybaby123 · 30/12/2024 19:38

Depends on thr job, if they have jobs where they need a lot of energy or to be fully alert or can't afford to take any more time off for fear of repercussions, or dealing with vulnerable people or have to be on their feet all day then yes I can see why they can't afford to get a cold. Or if the colds were more flu like and it took them weeks to get over them, or they have a weak immune system for example then i can also see their point. If they work from home on a laptop for example and the cold was really mild then I would say they are being unreasonable to cancel the plans

PrincessOfPreschool · 30/12/2024 19:37

LetsNCagain · 30/12/2024 19:27

I hope op comes back and says which one they are and whether the characters are male or female. It doesn't necessarily make a difference but it's just easier to imagine than all this X and Y stuff

I would wager a fair bit X is a woman (also the OP) and Y is a man.

I think Y reckons they'll catch the cold with any intimacy, and doesn't really fancy kissing or having sex with a snotty person. Not only is it a bit gross but fairly certain you'll get the cold. If sex is off the cards then they can't be arsed with going round.

X is sad because they'd be happy with the company and a bit of a cuddle and kiss at midnight and breakfast together the next day.

OP, you could suggest you go to his place and that there will be no physical contact. You'll keep your distance and just chat/ watch movies or whatever. But I'm not sure he'll really be up for that.

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2024 19:34

New relationship, new years eve? As Y, I'd have risked a cold, although I might have offered to cancel if X preferred, or suggested a takeaway and not stay overnight. I wouldn't have cancelled completely

Current me, decades later? My DH has a cold but I'm going to a party anyway!

Tubs11 · 30/12/2024 19:33

If my partner had a cold early on into our relationship I'd be round there with chicken soup, lozenges and a cuddle. We're married now so that level of tlc has a shorter commute. No way would I want to be with someone who cancels on me cause I've a cold unless it's for extreme health reasons.

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 19:32

NYE is an important “couples” night for me so I’d be devastated if my partner cancelled over a cold and left me by myself.

It’s break up worthy (for me).

HoppityBun · 30/12/2024 19:31

Neither is being unreasonable because the pov of each is understandable. What’s BU is getting annoyed rather than disappointed and not reassuring the other

devilspawn · 30/12/2024 19:29

Y was obviously already looking for an excuse to cancel. If it hadn't been that it would have been something else.

LetsNCagain · 30/12/2024 19:27

I hope op comes back and says which one they are and whether the characters are male or female. It doesn't necessarily make a difference but it's just easier to imagine than all this X and Y stuff

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2024 19:25

If you are "too busy" to see someone more than once a month then it's definitely not a relationship.