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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married in secret, then forget about it

118 replies

Monster6 · 30/12/2024 17:59

Hi Mumsnetters. ☺️ I’m in a long term stable relationship, with 2 teen kids. We have a joint mortgage, and wills naming each other as the beneficiaries if anything were to happen. Neither of us have ever been particularly interested in getting marriage, but recently I’ve been starting to consider it. We’re both mid 40s. My question is, is it really bad form to just get married, quietly and not tell anyone? I hate fuss. Anyone done similar? I’d like the kids there but honestly that’s it. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Horationor · 31/12/2024 23:23

We got married in a Registry office with two friends as witnesses. Went out for lunch after.
Was perfect! We did it partly as I'd just changed jobs and the death in service was more if we were married!! Mind it was 28 years ago... 😀

Monty27 · 31/12/2024 22:33

@Monster6 skimmed through the thread
My take is you need to be ahead of the ridiculous legal process and you'd simply be signing legal documents to put your paperwork in place. Just do it but mention to people at appropriate times. That you've both signed on the dotted line. If that makes sense.

Grappledapple · 31/12/2024 08:58

Tell (or discuss with) both parents, then do it. We did that and went abroad. Paid a vicar and his wife was the witness. Sent everyone photos. Job done.

Original poster
Monster6 · 31/12/2024 08:58

HoppingPavlova · 31/12/2024 04:12

How old are your teens? If you have one 19yo and one 17yo, I’d hang off for another year so they could both be witnesses but if 13yo and 15yo then no point waiting.

They are only 13, and 14. 😊 I genuinely don’t think they even consider the issue.and yes, they are boys 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Monster6 · 31/12/2024 08:57

neerg · 31/12/2024 05:01

We did it in Scotland. So didn't need witnesses😃

We are Scotland. Are witnesses not needed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Monster6 · 31/12/2024 08:56

Expletive · 30/12/2024 23:44

I did it with two witnesses the register office arranged. Big mistake.

Both families were very upset that they hadn’t been included. My mother in particular.

I’m very close to my mum. And this is a consideration, but I can’t see past this just being a private thing between me and my partner. Partner quite happy not to tell his parents. We both see this as a legal matter rather than anything romantic etc.

OP posts:
Bixterret · 31/12/2024 07:06

I did just this.

We had the best day ever, took just two friends as our witness.

Do it OP.

You could just have a civil partnership too!

neerg · 31/12/2024 05:01

We did it in Scotland. So didn't need witnesses😃

thedogissnoringsoloud · 31/12/2024 04:23

I'd do it but I'd include my kids and my mum and go for a meal afterwards!

HoppingPavlova · 31/12/2024 04:12

How old are your teens? If you have one 19yo and one 17yo, I’d hang off for another year so they could both be witnesses but if 13yo and 15yo then no point waiting.

ZestFest · 31/12/2024 03:59

Definitely do it for the legal clarity marriage provides. You don't need to advertise it at all, but it's a very sensible choice.

HelpMeGetThrough · 31/12/2024 03:47

This is basically the dream. Part of me just feels a bit, I don’t know? Sneaky?

Nothing sneaky about it, you're both doing it the way you want to and not the way everyone else thinks you should.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/12/2024 02:42

@Monster6 the judge who performed our ceremony gave a wonderful bit of advice, and it’s the only unsolicited advice I give to anyone getting married. So I’ll share it with you too.

He said very plainly “There is no wrong way to get married only a wrong way to be married… so whatever happens today doesn’t mean anything in the long run “

do it however you want to.

Orangeandgold · 31/12/2024 00:56

This is actually my dream x

MumChp · 31/12/2024 00:03

Do it.
We did. No regrets.

healthybychristmas · 31/12/2024 00:01

I would definitely invite my children to it. It would be nicer for them being there. It doesn't matter as they tell anyone does it?

Expletive · 30/12/2024 23:44

I did it with two witnesses the register office arranged. Big mistake.

Both families were very upset that they hadn’t been included. My mother in particular.

BrownBoot · 30/12/2024 23:38

Not unreasonable in the slightest. I had the full works and whilst I had an amazing day, I’m embarrassed about how much it cost. We should’ve just done it quietly, just the two of us.

healthybychristmas · 30/12/2024 23:33

I would definitely invite my children to it. It would be nicer for them being there. It doesn't matter as they tell anyone does it?

P00hsticks · 30/12/2024 22:24

Doggielove · 30/12/2024 20:42

If i remember correctly you cant do the grab a witness off the street anymore as you have to name them in advance…

so you cant do it like the movies

or maybe that is just me borough

Show quote history

Yes, I think you are right - in the end we had to give names in advance.

Ecci · 30/12/2024 21:39

We did this, after 14 years together. Only our witnesses and a lady I worked with knew in advance. We got married in a registry office on a Saturday then had a lovely lunch with our witnesses. Went back to work as normal on the Monday. People gradually became aware of it. We weren't keeping it secret but just mentioned it if weddings came up in conversation. Most people were surprised but pleased for us. Some, strangely, were kind of angry that they hadn't known.
We probably wouldn't have done it like that if we'd still had parents alive. Still happily together 21 years later.

BackoffSusan · 30/12/2024 21:26

I did this. Got married overseas in the town Hall, couple of witnesses. Wore a dress I already had. Don't regret it. I hate fuss, would hate to be centre of attention. I never wanted a big wedding. I don't really get it. We had originally tried to plan a wedding but inlaws/SIL were a nightmare so I gave up.
Inlaws obviously were upset about it ans didn't speak to me for a while. Their loss.

Time40 · 30/12/2024 21:24

My friend did this. She never even told her parents, and they are both dead now. No regrets!

Cautionsharpblade · 30/12/2024 21:04

I got married in my lunch hour then went back to work. Asked a couple of random people in the building to be witnesses.

it was crap. My advice would be to do something a bit special to mark the day, like a nice lunch.