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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you have stopped buying gifts for family and how you broached it with them?

35 replies

Theuniversalshere1 · 30/12/2024 16:38

I always have bought presents for family.

Usually same, but since my mum died have had nothing from family at all.

My birthday and Christmas. I didn't get a thank you for gifts, no one wanted to see me apart from my brother and he just gives money and puts no thought into gifts.

Jow can I broach it, that I am hard up and can't afford gifts anymore so won't be buying gifts moving forwards for neices (over 18) or anyones birthdays and Christmases, so please don't get me anything.

I spent over 250 quid on neices, sister n brother.

Not a thank you from sister or neices.

Didn't want to see me, ignored messages asking to meet up.

Had no arguments or anything but my sister is in a bad relationship where I imagine it might not be atmosphere she wants to invite me around for.

She used to confide in me before my mum died but since she died, his side of the family kind of top trumps ours, so the balance is put of whack.

I don't like my sisters bfs side of the family as we are very different and they minimise abuse. A lot of the men are abusive and because I have fought sisters side when things have been bad, its caused tension.

It's hard since my mum and dad died but I can't keep doing it as I get nothing back, not even wanting to see me.

It's probably why, if they get me nothing and I spending so much.

I know I need to stop but feel I need to say something.

Just like... hi, its been a tough year financially so I won't be able to send money or gifts for birthdays and Christmas anymore. Please don't spend or buy anything for me as I'm quite happy just having experiences, I'd rather meet for a meal or coffee.

Would something like that do?

OP posts:
STOPCOLLABERATEANDLISTEN19 · 30/12/2024 16:57

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2024 16:41

You sound desperate for their attention sorry. I do feel for you but you really don't need to make any announcement, just stop buying them gifts

Have a word with yourself

Theuniversalshere1 · 30/12/2024 16:55

AppropriateAdult · 30/12/2024 16:50

I'm sorry you feel unappreciated, and I think it's fine to just stop buying for them - no explanation needed.

I'd probably try not to think of it as your sister being uncaring - it sounds like she's trapped in an abusive relationship, and may not have the bandwidth - or the access to money - to buy gifts. For that reason I would try to keep the communication channels open, especially as it sounds like she doesn't have many other people she can talk to. But forget the gifts, they're not really important in the grand scheme of things.

Yes it is hard, my mum always advocated for her too... but brother doesn't really know what we knew.

I will keep communication open but like you said not announce but stop and just see what happens.

OP posts:
Theuniversalshere1 · 30/12/2024 16:54

Thanks all, I think it is the best approach.

I think the silence is speaking volumes really isn't it!

It is weird, losing two parents and the dynamics.

OP posts:
U53rName · 30/12/2024 16:52

Purpleberet · 30/12/2024 16:47

If that was how they behaved that they also never got you anything or acknowledged your gifts or make effort to see you, I wouldn’t be bothering to announce it - just stop buying presents and send a birthday/Xmas text

This. They didn’t discuss it with you—they simply stopped. You are allowed to “match their energy” without consulting them first.

AppropriateAdult · 30/12/2024 16:50

I'm sorry you feel unappreciated, and I think it's fine to just stop buying for them - no explanation needed.

I'd probably try not to think of it as your sister being uncaring - it sounds like she's trapped in an abusive relationship, and may not have the bandwidth - or the access to money - to buy gifts. For that reason I would try to keep the communication channels open, especially as it sounds like she doesn't have many other people she can talk to. But forget the gifts, they're not really important in the grand scheme of things.

Purpleberet · 30/12/2024 16:47

If that was how they behaved that they also never got you anything or acknowledged your gifts or make effort to see you, I wouldn’t be bothering to announce it - just stop buying presents and send a birthday/Xmas text

Iloveyoubut · 30/12/2024 16:46

Sorry for your loss. It’s been weird since my mum died too. I have a ribeye family and I just said I’m don’t doing presents this year etc and we let it go… which is a bit joyless but it’s also worth it right now for me. In your case, is everyone trying to tell you they don’t want to do presents by not participating? Yes they should just say they don’t want to presents. I don’t think you need to say anything at all. Just stop. No one is going to ask you why you didn’t buy them a gift when they’ve not bought you a gift, it sounds like they all want to stop the gift giving tbh. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss, these are the things that spring up after loss that we don’t even think about prior and it’s really hard. Just stop without saying anything about it would be my advice. X

UrghWhatIsHappening · 30/12/2024 16:44

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2024 16:41

You sound desperate for their attention sorry. I do feel for you but you really don't need to make any announcement, just stop buying them gifts

I don’t think this is a fair response. To me, it seems as though OP is being honest in that she’s putting significant money/time/thought into sorting gifts that isn’t reciprocated, which must be irritating at best.

OP, I think your message sounds fine. I’d probably leave out the bit about experiences but include something suggesting meeting up for coffee/a drink if you wanted to reach out to them.

Theuniversalshere1 · 30/12/2024 16:43

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2024 16:41

You sound desperate for their attention sorry. I do feel for you but you really don't need to make any announcement, just stop buying them gifts

Yeahh I get that... it just seems harsh, but the harsh reality is they don't really care do they?

Just hard to realise you don't really have a family anymore.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2024 16:41

You sound desperate for their attention sorry. I do feel for you but you really don't need to make any announcement, just stop buying them gifts

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