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AIBU?

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To think DP is being used by so called "friend"

338 replies

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

OP posts:
RachTheAlpaca · 02/01/2025 11:26

Your partner is a fool

I'd be telling him to not bother with a return ticket, he can fly 1 way and go and live with the pair of scammers that he's enabling.

Or I'd be really sly and report them to Germany's benefits office, they're scammers and it's fraud. Simple as that.

I'd have completely got the ick with my partner if he was being that dense and naive.

UnicornBubble · 02/01/2025 11:23

Also, if these ‘anarchists’ are in anyway on a German government ‘watchlist’ then your hubby could get in trouble for funding them!!

Scleverley84 · 02/01/2025 11:19

Come on now! your DP needs wake up! his wife does not have cancer!! This is a fraudulent money making scheme. So called friend is involving your DP in criminal activity.

GreatGardenstuff · 02/01/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole, and I would expect DH to think the same. The fact it needs to be untraceable is a massive red flag.

if they want this cash they need to come and collect it.

UnicornBubble · 02/01/2025 11:16

There are laws as to how much cash can be taken into countries. Double check the rules for Germany as you don’t want your hubby getting in trouble!! If approached my customs they are gonna want to know what the cash is for.

I agree it sounds totally dodgy. I don’t understand how this friend having the money (traceable to him) would risk his wife’s treatment etc. The treatment isn’t means tested and they’re not entitled to the disability benefit, so it wouldn’t affect anything.

MildredSauce · 02/01/2025 10:58

AnonymousBleep · 02/01/2025 10:51

I don't understand why the friend can't be named on the GoFundMe. There's definitely something going on there. I didn't think GoFundMe was taxable so can't see how it could be linked to benefit fraud - so why wouldn't the friend be the person organising it for his sick wife?

There are slightly different rules and regs for someone setting up a GFM in Germany rather than the UK.

And it can attract tax, depending on how the donations/contributions are viewed. I imagine OP will have to declare it on annual returns.

I suppose one clue for the OP is how "transparent" is the GFM page? Does it mention names and details? Could anyone find it, or does it feel more like a contained, discreet campaign?

Wheresthebeach · 02/01/2025 10:58

Someone will need to declare this for tax purposes, if its in your DH's name that's him.

A quick Google:
As per the law, you are required to report revenue from crowdfunding on your returns, this includes gifts, which are considered taxable income. For donation crowdfunding, the backer cannot claim tax relief unless the project is a charity and if so, will be awarded in the form of Gift Aid.

Clearly dodgy on so many levels I can barely believe your DH is involved in this.

Mirabai · 02/01/2025 10:55

Is DP 100% sure she’s even ill?

Lavenderblossoms · 02/01/2025 10:53

I'd report the go fund as being fraudulent, anonymously but I'm petty like that.

This stinks of your fraud. Your op could be implicit in this if anything goes wrong!

AnonymousBleep · 02/01/2025 10:51

I don't understand why the friend can't be named on the GoFundMe. There's definitely something going on there. I didn't think GoFundMe was taxable so can't see how it could be linked to benefit fraud - so why wouldn't the friend be the person organising it for his sick wife?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 02/01/2025 10:48

FluDog · 30/12/2024 12:08

The biggest thing for me would be how that money goes from a gofundme account to cash. Transferred from gofundme to your DPs bank account, then withdrawn from a bank as cash?

It may not be traceable to the friend but it will be very traceable to your DP. Either now or in future there could be questions about where that money went and there will be no record of it past being in your DP's possession.

I wonder what the cash withdrawal laundering trigger is for the bank? That will be a consideration not just taking the cash abroad.

Withdrawing large amounts of cash and taking it overseas might not be illegal, but it's dodgy as fuck and your DH is being a complete idiot to get involved in this. There could be benefit fraud involved or drugs or a dodgy business deal, the only thing that will be known for sure is that the money went into his account and then was withdrawn in cash and disappeared. This is a really really stupid thing to do.

fuuwan · 02/01/2025 10:46

She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible

There's a rabbit away there. If she's getting free health care then she has to have been health insured and that means either she had that through her job, through self-employment or if she was registered as unemployed, via the unemployment office. In Germany it is compulsory to be paying in to the system. If you aren't insured like that you would have to pay the medical expenses yourself. They obviously aren't, otherwise the gofundme would be for "my poor wife, nasty Germany want us to pay 100K for her cancer treatment"

This means she was registered somewhere doing something prior to the illness and that means that she is entitled to sick pay. It could be quite a small amount if she was earning little before hand or if she's self-employed and opted out of paying the sick pay insurance. There is "Sozialhilfe" and "Bürgergeld" too, although that isn't a huge amount of money. If people have savings that reduces entitlement.

The whole thing sounds dodgy. They are up to something. I'm not sure what. I don't live in Germany but in a nearby country which has similar systems. They need the money to be untraceable because they don't want the German government finding out. If a large amount of money comes into a bank account from abroad the bank have to report it under money-laundering rules. When I received an inheritance the bank manager rang me up the moment it arrived in my account and wanted proof of where it came from so I had to get a solicitor's letter to say that it was an inheritance.

They are "anarchists" and that's all well and good, until someone needs treatment for a nasty disease and then they want the government to fork out for them and if that isn't enough money they want others (who aren't anarchists) to donate.

Your DP should stay well clear but it sounds like he's going ahead with taking cash into Germany anyway, no matter what you say.

Doggymummar · 02/01/2025 10:45

I imagine your husband will have to declare this on his tax return, and pay tax on it. It is income after all. Maje sure he gets the tax from the friend or deducts it first.

MimiGC · 02/01/2025 10:43

Has your DP ever been narky, uncommunicative, so very insistent about anything else since you've been together? It's one thing if this is his usual way of going about things, but if it's completely out of character, I would be worried that he does, in fact, know it's something dodgy he's got himself mixed up in and he is afraid because he can't see a way out.

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 10:42

could be assisting funding all sort or anarchist terroism, black block, arms,

He’s probably just funding a couple of lazy addicts we are trying to swerve the system. When was the last time Germany had any violence/arms related that are linked to Anarchism? Probably evicting squatters at best.

Still crazy to get involved though.

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 10:40

CosyLemur · 02/01/2025 08:50

Nope! Go fund me keep it, I know this because one I'd donated to got cancelled I never got a penny back.

You’re right! But apparently they can still refund (I thought it was automatic) so at least it wouldn’t be lost.

Refunding your donors
If you’ve raised funds that are no longer needed and haven’t transferred them to your bank yet, you can refund your donors. This action is irreversible, so please be sure you truly wish to refund your donors before moving forward with the request. Your donors will receive their funds back in an average of 7-10 business days (weekends and holidays excluded).

cooldarkroom · 02/01/2025 10:38

At the very least, the guy should hop on an easy jet flight & collect.
Your Partner, (& I sincerely hope he isn't your Husband ?) could be assisting funding all sort or anarchist terroism, black block, arms, drugs.
& my then be taxed for it.
What happens to you if he goes to jail ?
What if you are considered in some way accomplice ?
What a Tosser. Honestly I would want nothing more to do with him

HowdyDoody2025 · 02/01/2025 10:31

It is sad how your DP will spend so much time and money setting all this up and going over there with the money, but get narky and wont discuss it properly with you. Who is the priority with him? Not you and your view, sadly.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/01/2025 10:30

FluDog · 30/12/2024 12:08

The biggest thing for me would be how that money goes from a gofundme account to cash. Transferred from gofundme to your DPs bank account, then withdrawn from a bank as cash?

It may not be traceable to the friend but it will be very traceable to your DP. Either now or in future there could be questions about where that money went and there will be no record of it past being in your DP's possession.

Exactly this. Your husband could end up looking like he is ripping people off.

I wouldn't touch this with someone else's bargepole!

NoBinturongsHereMate · 02/01/2025 10:27

uhohjojo · 02/01/2025 10:02

But surely OP can look at the fundraiser and see if the money is from genuine friends and family of the couple? It's perfectly possible that the poor women does have cancer and on a low income, and that people who KNOW her are chipping in to give support. It's possible the cancer is all just a fake story, but how often do random strangers give to a crowdfunder like this for such an unthreatening illness for someone in a wealthy country? It just makes me think the donors are people who want to help and trust the couple. I would never have let my DP set up something like this, but there has to be an element of trust that he knows his friend and knows the donations aren't from people being mugged.

If they're genuine friends and family, they can give directly. No crowfunder needed.

justasking111 · 02/01/2025 10:25

At the very best if there's a complaint investigation the husband will have to repay the 9k to the donors himself.

It's like those drug mules who stupidly carry drugs only the once for a friend who wind up in trouble with the police. The terrorism laws will cover someone carrying cash abroad as well. Hasn't he seen the news from Germany recently.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 02/01/2025 10:24

If he insists on going ahead, I'd make sure I had no financial link with him. No joint accounts, credit cards, leases.....

MrsAga · 02/01/2025 10:23

Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 02:08

He sees it as helping out a friend in need. He claims there's no risk as he's not doing anything illegal. Even though for some reason all their other friends were not willing to get involved due to tax reasons 😕 Surely you don't get taxed on donations from Go Fund me??! It all just sounds like total bollocks

He’s claiming “nothing illegal”. It’s money laundering. The recipient knows where the money is coming from, all from people he knows, who for some reason can’t give the money direct, so it needs to go through the go fund me page (the cleaning process). Wouldn’t set up the go fund me himself as it would link the laundering directly to him, so is putting it through another person. Your partner has put himself right in the middle of the illegal part. & he’s the only traceable one.
The authorities most definitely track go fund me type pages, but whether they flag up things under £10k, only they know.

SabbatWheel · 02/01/2025 10:22

Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:41

Apparently donations from friends, plus other anarchists who follow their music - they put on anarchists gigs and it seems they are quite well known on this scene

Lol.
Anarchists, until they realise what the State can do (or not do) for them.
Reap what you sow isn’t it.

MildredSauce · 02/01/2025 10:20

uhohjojo · 02/01/2025 10:02

But surely OP can look at the fundraiser and see if the money is from genuine friends and family of the couple? It's perfectly possible that the poor women does have cancer and on a low income, and that people who KNOW her are chipping in to give support. It's possible the cancer is all just a fake story, but how often do random strangers give to a crowdfunder like this for such an unthreatening illness for someone in a wealthy country? It just makes me think the donors are people who want to help and trust the couple. I would never have let my DP set up something like this, but there has to be an element of trust that he knows his friend and knows the donations aren't from people being mugged.

The cancer is pretty irrelevant, to be honest. GFM can help you crowd fund for any number of reasons. Major illness or "just because". What do they care, after all - they get their fee-per-donation.

The Op's DH has started a page for his chosen cause - this couple in Germany. He (DH) is not obligated to pay back donors or give them anything else in return for their contributions.

The big issue is that the couple (who have conceived this idea) demand non-traceable cash only. Nothing to hit their bank accounts. The couple are not putting themselves at risk for this - it's all on the DH who will be transferring a significant amount of money to his bank account and cashing it out before carrying the lump sum to Germany.

What nationalities are the couple @Queenjuliana ? Did you say both are german passport holders?

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