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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"

338 replies

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/01/2025 01:33

Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:48

Absolutely I think he's being used - as per the title of the post...

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The title of the post was you asking if he is being used, as per your exact words a few comments below..?! So why the sarcasm?! Sorry for trying to answer your question and give an opinion on why he might be allowing it.. sheesh.

BruFord · 03/01/2025 01:23

Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:45

That's an interesting point. I believe he's already given his bank details as a receiving account for the donations

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@Queenjuliana If he’s determined to do this, which it sounds as if he is, please convince him to at least keep receipts of all the transactions (changing the cash into Euros, etc.) and proof of his travel to wherever they live so that he can demonstrate that he didn’t empty the GFM account and keep the donations himself.

He'll be the person answering questions if it’s flagged so he needs to show that he hasn’t personally benefitted. Quite the opposite, he’s out of pocket for his travel expenses!

justasking111 · 03/01/2025 01:16

"FBI — Anarchist Extremism" https://archives.fbi.gov/archives/news/stories/2010/november/anarchist_111610/anarchist_111610

2025Y · 03/01/2025 01:06

Oh OP. I do feel for you. Bet you feel like shaking your DP!

But seriously how many people take that much cash through airports for innocent reasons?

What's he going to say when he gets asked at the airport why he has so much cash on him?

Is he going to tell them he couldn't transfer the money by bank to his "Anarchist" friend as it has to be untraceable?

I suspect he isn't even going to get anywhere near Germany! Hope he's got a good solicitor!!

ScabbyHorse · 03/01/2025 01:05

Yes I think k your partner is being used

outerspacepotato · 03/01/2025 00:59

Plus he will have no evidence that the funds were turned over to the beneficiary. Tax man will love that.

QueenJuliana, did alarm bells truly not ring for him when his alleged friend asked for untraceable cash?

suburberphobe · 03/01/2025 00:41

^Surely you don't get taxed on donations from Go Fund me??!^

Of course you do. It's income and therefore liable for Income Tax.

suburberphobe · 03/01/2025 00:39

Even though for some reason all their other friends were not willing to get involved due to tax reasons 😕 Surely you don't get taxed on donations from Go Fund me??! It all just sounds like total bollocks

In my EU country you get a yearly statement from the bank of all in- and outgoings which you have to declare to your tax return. I guess it's the same in Germany which is why their friends there don't want to be involved.

Your husband is an idiot. I can't believe he is being so naive.

If your friends in Germany get an audit (always happens) and that money is found out to be them defrauding the system, your husband will be implicated.
Has he heard of Interpol? sarcastic

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:37

justasking111 · 03/01/2025 00:28

Really. I've just done some quick research. They're a dangerous bunch on the rise

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God. I didn't realise that 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:36

uhohjojo · 02/01/2025 10:02

But surely OP can look at the fundraiser and see if the money is from genuine friends and family of the couple? It's perfectly possible that the poor women does have cancer and on a low income, and that people who KNOW her are chipping in to give support. It's possible the cancer is all just a fake story, but how often do random strangers give to a crowdfunder like this for such an unthreatening illness for someone in a wealthy country? It just makes me think the donors are people who want to help and trust the couple. I would never have let my DP set up something like this, but there has to be an element of trust that he knows his friend and knows the donations aren't from people being mugged.

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Exactly. I've looked at the fundraiser. I recognise and personally know some of the people from my DPs larger friendship group. So the donors are genuinely people who know her and the description on the page says who and why the fundraiser is for. Up to that point it all seems OK. It just gets weird when they start talking about only being able to receive the money in cash so it's not traceable. THATS the bit I struggle with most

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 03/01/2025 00:34

So it's a done deal, he's going? I guess you better hope nothing bad happens.

justasking111 · 03/01/2025 00:28

Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:50

Good lord no. He thinks it's weird as hell. And I don't think anarchists are necessarily terrorists?!!

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Really. I've just done some quick research. They're a dangerous bunch on the rise

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:27

Eyresandgraces · 02/01/2025 09:03

Look forward to seeing the details in the newspaper when your dh is prosecuted.
Will you start a go fund me for his legal fees?
That would be hilarious.

Bit spiteful

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:22

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:50

The crux of it. He's not half dim

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You seem a bit obsessed by him being dim. He isn't. The title of the post was asking if I was being unreasonable to think he was being used. It's not only dim people who get used. It happens all the time.

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Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:17

Igneococcus · 02/01/2025 08:45

Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible

Pretty much all of the German benefits are dependent on having contributed to the system beforehand. There are benefits that can be applied for if you haven't paid into the various schemes but they will be much lower and your financial situation will be taken into account to calculate these. If the wife does cleaning work there is a good chance she is doing it cash in hand or she is staying below the threshold required for starting to pay contributions (that used to be 400 Deutschmarks per month, not sure where it is now) and is now not covered by any of the standard benefits.
They (the friend and wife) should have a chat with someone who could help them access the benefits that they are entitled to, the Arbeiterwohlfahrt for example, has advisors that are very non-judgemental.

Thanks that's a helpful post but I don't know these people, I've never met them and so am not really in a position to pass that info on. I imagine they probably already know about the eligibility but due to their beliefs they choose to opt out of paying in to anything. Bit crap, really

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:11

I know, you think that would compute, but he cant get it thru his skull. I think he doesn't want to question his friend as it would seem like he didn't believe him, or trust him. He finds it hard to say no to people generally, which is probably why the friend asked him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:03

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:25

I wouldn't be with a man who is thick enough and spineless enough to get involved in an obvious scam. I'd be scared he will give away our life savings to a Nigerian Prince or something

Bit harsh. He's not thick, just naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:57

Savoury · 02/01/2025 08:05

What area of work does your DP do? Is it a regulated industry or one aligned to a profession (e.g. banking, law, accountancy)?
This is literally a use case in certain fraud training: acting as a man-in-the-middle for no real reason.
At best, it’s “only” benefits fraud. I would be furious and unable to look beyond it. What line would he cross next?

He's a retired electrician so nothing like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:50

WendyA22 · 02/01/2025 06:50

Or even worse, it could be some sort of terrorist thing to do with their anarchist beliefs.

Do you think your DP is a member of the group too?

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Good lord no. He thinks it's weird as hell. And I don't think anarchists are necessarily terrorists?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:48

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2025 23:34

It sounds like your DP wants to impress these people, he's putting his needs way below theirs in a way that makes him look a bit desperate for approval. If they really needed this help in a genuine way it would be different but they could easily have set up their own GFM or flown over for the cash, they just can't be bothered and are using him. I'd feel like he had some inadequacy issues to be being such a doormat.

Absolutely I think he's being used - as per the title of the post...

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:45

LiftyLift · 01/01/2025 22:21

If the wife is listed as the recipient, it’s likely that GFM will not allow your DP to transfer the funds to himself. This is a safeguarding measure to make sure funds go to the right place and to prevent fraud.

That's an interesting point. I believe he's already given his bank details as a receiving account for the donations

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 23:42

He reckons, as per your comment above, that as the money is not his, he is merely acting as a conduit

Surely he knows this makes no sense? He’s the one raising the funds and transporting them. If anything were to happen, “it wasn’t mine, your honour!” isn’t a defence.

outerspacepotato · 02/01/2025 23:41

You might want to let him know you won't be posting his bail, he's on his own.

What a "dope".

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:41

BobbyBiscuits · 01/01/2025 02:12

@Queenjuliana hmmm...surely even if it's shifty he could just do it via western union or moneygram or something. Why the need to have someone physically bring it over? Especially If he's claiming it's legal.
If he just wants to see him for a holiday then say that. It just makes me feel pretty uneasy!

He definitely doesn't want to go for a holiday. Germany is even colder than the UK this time of the year. He's booked the flights now and is coming back the next day...

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/01/2025 23:41

Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:27

I've asked him if he's thought about the tax implications. He reckons, as per your comment above, that as the money is not his, he is merely acting as a conduit, he won't be liable to pay tax on it. It's not earned income. I don't know what to think anymore!!!

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There is a query about just such this scenario on the HMRC website.

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"