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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"

338 replies

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

OP posts:
WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 02:01

As long as he’s laundering under €10k, it’s above board, and he won’t be prosecuted. 🤨

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 02:00

BlueSilverCats · 30/12/2024 10:46

This is raising so many red flags it could be China.

Untraceable, cash only, delivered to them.

Just how naive is your husband?

I know. It's infuriating. He just thinks im being hard and cynical. What makes it worse is that I don't think this friend has ever done anything for DP, and he has targeted DP because he knows he's a push over

OP posts:
Critsey · 01/01/2025 01:57

Dodgy and your partner is happy to be sucked into it.
How unattractive.
You are certainly not a team.
I would be rethinking things knowing that he is so willing to be involved in something dodgy.

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 01:56

Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:55

It's legal providing you don't exceed 10,000 euros..this is why he can't see a problem 😏

Show quote history

Good luck to him—I hope you guys have a good lawyer.

Nn9011 · 01/01/2025 01:56

This definitely sounds like a scam or money laundering. Has DP definitely been speaking with his friend? Is it possible the account has been hacked and he's speaking with someone else?
If it is his friend, he needs to stop now. If it turns out to be untoward it will be DP who gets the heat not this friend.
I'd also remind DP that if all this was true it would have been far easier to ask people locally in Germany for support rather than setting up a page for someone in the UK and have a third party run it. This person is very dodgy.

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:55

BobbyBiscuits · 30/12/2024 10:52

They're obviously on every benefit going. Most 'alternative/anarchist' types believe in taking advantage of the state financially.
It's obvious he's trying to dodge something. What did he tell you DP to say to customs if he was searched? Would he be able to lie to authority? In a strange country?

Edited

It's legal providing you don't exceed 10,000 euros..this is why he can't see a problem 😏

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:53

tarheelbaby · 30/12/2024 10:37

Help your DP separate himself from all this malarkey. It has dodgy written all over it. He definitely should not fly anywhere with a suitcase full of cash. Transporting that quantity of money across international borders is probably illegal.

I'm not sure what the best answer is since clearly many people have donated (in good faith?) to support a woman with breast cancer (any proof of that?).

If there's no way to refund to the donors, maybe donate the cash to a cancer charity in the UK or in Germany?

Had it out again today, he started getting very defensive and annoyed, says he is going to do it whether I like it or not. He wants to help out a friend going through a hard time. He's not doing anything illegal and he doesn't even care if they are committing benefit fraud. If I'd carried on trying to make him see it from my point of view we would have had a big fall out..

OP posts:
pimplebum · 01/01/2025 01:52

for 7k the friend can hop on a plane

friend is a drug addict and your husband is funding it

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 01:51

Is this a front for something else? You say that they do drugs, so they obviously have drug dealers in their lives. Personally, I wouldn’t be caught dead carrying thousands in cash across country borders for someone with links to drug dealers.

pimplebum · 01/01/2025 01:48

he is such a good friend …
soooooo you two ladies have had some FaceTime chats …
you have had holidays with this couple ..,
you have had meals out with this couple …
they have visited and stayed in your home ..
they send Xmas and birthday cards to your kids …..

ring this woman yourself and have a long chat about how her cancer treatment is going , have pen and paper handy to write down the name of the hospital and consultant who is treating her ask specific question like is she having cold cap treatment is she on xxxxx drug (google some random cancer drug )
all these questions could be answered very quickly and non vaguely by someone genuinely having treatment

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:48

EmeraldRoulette · 30/12/2024 10:30

I wouldn't be surprised if the wife being ill is a lie.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit that the same thought crossed my mind ( how cynical) but I'm told DP has seen photos of her in hospital and his friend has shared blood test results with DP ( I thought this was odd and possibly manipulative)

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:44

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2024 10:28

Why does it have to be untraceable? That would make me think they are doing something illegal and I would want no part of it. If they aren’t claiming benefits, it’s not going to affect that, is it? Maybe they are claiming benefits and are just lying to your husband about it.

The DH can fly back and collect the money if he wants it. I’m amazed it’s raised £7000.

That's, what I said - why can't he come and get the cash himself- DP says he offered because he wants to help! FFS

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:41

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/12/2024 10:25

Does your husband know where the donations to this page will come from? I mean it sounds like very small scale money laundering.

Apparently donations from friends, plus other anarchists who follow their music - they put on anarchists gigs and it seems they are quite well known on this scene

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 01/01/2025 01:41

Why on earth does the money have to be untraceable? Sounds dodgy.

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:38

The people that have donated apparently know that it's towards their " living expenses " It's people they know from gigs they do, they're like DJs or something, to do with being anarchists..I don't really understand it, but they have raised so much as they are known to a lot of people from these gigs 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:32

Rainbowdottie · 30/12/2024 10:16

Tbh I don't know, there's 2 sides to every coin tbh...on one hand, your dp is helping out a mate who is in a sad situation. He hasn't given him any money of his/your own, he's just "a go between" , it's not harming you/your relationship/your family, let him crack on with it. Maybe its just something your dp feels he wants to do/feels he is helping.

On the other hand I can't see why he wants to get involved, don't they have other family, parents etc? I find in times of trouble you tend to turn to your family, do they not have any? I've always steered well clear of helping anyone with money, I'd just rather not get myself into that position...for loads of reasons, for fear of losing the money, the friendship failing, the awkwardness if its not paid back etc. I guess your dp hasn't given the money but I'm guessing he would have contributed some? I make a blanket "no" when it comes to giving money and I'm sure I upset some of my friends and colleagues with it but so be it.

Maybe your dp and his friend are just two different people but they jog along happily together totally aware of each other's life and faults. Maybe they're just friends warts and all. I'm usually suspicious of people...I'm old, life has taught me that way, so yeah I'd be worried and would have to say so but equally if your dp is hell bent on doing it ,what can you do.

My husband got a bank loan in our mid twenties for his childhood friend. It was to buy a car. I was annoyed with it at the time. My husband was annoyed with me that I was annoyed about it. He thought it had nothing to do with me, I thought it had everything to do with me. We were very young, struggling with money ourselves and with a young family. Luckily it was paid back and all my worst fears never materialised. But even now older and wiser I'd still be annoyed at my grand old age. Actually I'd be more annoyed 😂. I just don't see why people need to be involved at that level with someone.

Seems a bit of a scam when you mention it not being traceable, I think that's the glaringly obvious red flag.

Edited

We spoke about it more today and he started getting quite narky. He says they didn't ask him to take the cash to Germany, he offered! But his friend was going on about how difficult it was going to be to get the money to them, (in other words, a massive hint, knowing that my DP would be sure to offer) and that other people they know weren't willing to do it for tax reasons!!?? That didn't make any sense to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 01/01/2025 01:14

MrsTigerface · 30/12/2024 10:14

As far as I know, if you are taking more than 10k in euros from the UK into Germany, you have to declare it to customs on entry. I know that £7k isn’t as much as that but, if the total they reach goes up any more, your DP might possibly find himself in that position. What would he say? I don’t think he should be put into this sort of position.

It sounds to me like they are in fact claiming some sort of benefit over there despite their itinerant lifestyle, which is why they want it all in cash, so no one knows they are receiving other income. In that case, your DP would be helping them commit benefit fraud. Either that, or your DP’s mate is embarking on another of his dodgy investment schemes…

Either way, I agree with you, it all sounds incredibly dodgy.

Your DP sounds like a kind man and a loyal friend but yes, the whole thing stinks.

I spoke to DP today, he was already aware about the 10,000 euro limit. He's going to close the go fund me when it gets to the equivalent of that. He's adamant he's going to do this and won't be talked out of it. He says he's doing nothing illegal. I can't make him see what a cheek they have for getting him to do this!

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 31/12/2024 12:37

@Queenjuliana id be pointing out to partner that he’s helping defraud the system that his friends have made full use of and that it makes me see him in a different light.

also - are we even sure his friends partner has really been ill?

And how is your partner going to declare the money himself when he travels over to customs? Is he taking the travel costs out of the money raised?

im sorry but the whole thing is a scam.
Her medical costs are covered.
Germany has an unemployment benefit they could apply for which would cover living costs and his mate could get a fucking job.

Terrribletwos · 31/12/2024 12:35

@Queenjuliana Can you somehow persuade your husband to not do this? It sounds really suspect.

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 31/12/2024 12:25

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2024 10:03

Why must the money be untraceable? So it doesn’t interfere with state benefits? But they’re saying they’re not entitled.

I know, it doesn't make sense to me either

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 30/12/2024 17:10

Why can't the friend just get a job, or is that too difficult.

Therealjudgejudy · 30/12/2024 16:43

Dodgy as hell...

Your Dp is an idiot.

ginasevern · 30/12/2024 16:04

No. Just no. This is dangerous and probably fraudulent. Your DP could end up involved in god knows what. Why the hell is he even considering this?

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 14:27

@Longtimelurkerfinallyposts I do know a fair few - they’re mostly divided into benefit claimants because they see it as righteous since, well, fuck the government, or coasting by with their parents money while uploading to their socials on their iPhones lol

AlexaSetATimer · 30/12/2024 13:28

I'd assume it was to buy lots more stoner stuff/drugs. Your DH is being a total mug.