Worried about DH parental leave

The car thing is outrageous. Crawling around exploring is good for her. You sound a bit helicopter-y, but he needs to get the basics right e.g. don't leave the baby in the house alone! If I was running downstairs and leaving baby in the lounge (our kitchen is downstairs) I always followed the rule that if I was to trip and break a leg, the space she was in needed to be safe for six hours until someone came home to help. A jumperoo isn't that.

"I have concerns that I would like to talk about calmly. I have shortened my maternity leave so you could take some paternity leave to spend time with and bond with our daughter. But every single time you look after her, you ignore her to do your own thing. That's not what parental leave is for. It's meant to grow your relationship with your child and help her developmental and social skills as she bonds with you. And now you tell me you're planning to do even more of your own thing and dump our baby on your mother to do so. That's not what was agreed. If you hate your job, find another one. But perhaps we need to reconsider you taking leave at this time and I will see if I can extend mine instead for our daughter's benefit."

Alternatively, suggest he use his leave to look for a new job if he's determined to take it. Talk to MIL about the things she can do with your daughter while she's looking after her. You don't really have any other options here potentially.

Having read your updates OP, I think you’re between a rock and a hard place but on reflection, I would actually not shorten your mat leave. If he wants a break from work he can take annual leave. While I think “food before one is just for fun” does hold true, this is the time to be introducing new foods and he won’t even feed her because he doesn’t like mashed up food. He’s really not equipped to look after her every day.

Re the mashed up food, he could try baby led weaning which involves no mashing, except that I’d worry he wouldn’t supervise her and would leave her to choke.

@Firstrodeo1 I fell for the “good uncle” trick as well! My exh was really fantastic uncle to his sister’s kids- I had absolutely no concerns about how he would be as a parent m, because he was so hands on with them. He always put them 100% first when we saw them at any family gathering.

He was a terrible dad when we were together - very uninterested in anything that meant he wasn’t doing exactly what he wanted at any given time.

I think he needs to actively demonstrate that he is going to put the baby’s needs first in order for you to agree to his plan. So you need to see evidence of him caring for her properly whilst they’re together.

I agree with those saying it could be quite dangerous to just go and leave him to it - the going outside and leaving her could easily have resulted in serious injury.

If he doesn’t reassure you, I’d just take the mat leave and he can hardly stop you.

I would say that you are stuck really. He is using the baby to get out of working. He does not actually want to be a parent or to spend time with her. In any event you need to have a proper discussion with him about this. I would be shortening his parental leave if I could but this will obviously result in a massive row. I think this is a serious issue for women who are now giving away their precious maternity leave for lazy men who just want to get out of work.

He isn't a safe person for your DD. He gives her a bottle of milk rather than actual meals because mashed up food makes him feel ill? He is absolutely disgraceful. He wants to take parental leave for himself, not because he wants time with his daughter.

Since when are we calling being a shit dad a ‘parenting style’?

He doesn't feed her because he doesn't like mess? That's really not normal and I think you'd be within your rights to demand he steps up or extend your mat leave.

He’s opting out of everything isn’t he? Work and Child care.

Doesn’t like work so will use parental leave as an excuse not to go in. How is he going to motivate himself to go back?

His actions with your DD are neglect, leaving her to cry, not feeding her, leaving her unsupervised.

Over the next few months she will become more active. In what way will she be safe never mind stimulated.

I can’t believe this is real.

Obviously, if there are concerns about abuse, I wouldn't advocate this approach. But my friend's husband was not abusive in the slightest. He was just convinced that he didn't need to learn any parenting because he had a powerhouse of a wife who was a "baby expert" and was ready to jump in with advice, criticism or "oh, I may as well do it myself". So until she was no longer there, he simply didn't need to be a parent.

It might encourage him to bond with dd and step up. You kind of have to trust him to

If he doesn’t like his job why doesn’t he start looking for a better one? The baby isn’t a good excuse for skivving off.

That could’ve gone either way, though couldn’t it? My dad used to get left alone with us and he used his foot to kick my sister out of the room.

A reluctant parent should never be left with the children.

You just need to ascertain whether he’s just useless or dangerous. I bet his family know the answer to that.

I completely understand the nervousness around this but, believe me, you are on your way to becoming a "baby expert" and you absolutely have to let go before it becomes solely your responsibility to raise your child. My friend had a useless husband. Her answer? She came to stay with me for three weeks and left her husband in sole charge of the baby. It completely transformed their lives. 16 years on, he is the most attentive and knowledgeable father I have ever met. After their second, he became a SAHP for a while allowing my friend to further her career. Both kids are happy and healthy and their relationship has never been better. And this is the same bloke who wouldn't let me and my friend relax with a cup of tea because he couldn't figure out how to put baby to bed.
Trust me, sometimes you have to do a radical thing. So take yourself out of the house and let them figure it out.

He will agree but simply won't do it. He will do exactly what he wants

I think you need to sit down and say it isn’t a break from work it is looking after your child and running the house

tell him exactly what you do chores and all and what the expectations are and that it isn’t a holiday

and that frankly shutting the front door in a 7 month old in a jumperoo is dangerous

This! Your dd could have got seriously injured and he wouldn't have known. All these things need to be used under supervision so he failed massively there. I would be furious. Raging furious. So now that she was ok being left alone in the house what is he going to do next? Pop to the shops for '2mins' while she naps?

He sounds neglectful and I wouldn't be leaving the baby alone with him at all. This is so wrong op.

Wow, he definitely just wants time off work and doesn't intend to look after her!. Maybe he can get a month off and you just accept that your mother inlaw will actually be looking after her for the period. He probably won't do much house work during the period also

What.an.asshole.

You need to have a proper discussion and agreement with him about the expectations of the primary parent/at home person. Make notes of possible. E.g. baby will be fed proper food X times per day at least. Baby will never be left alone inside while parent is outside, but can be left in x (child safe) room while parent is in another room.

Then ask him if he feels he is able to provide that level of care. If he can then you have set out a clear expectation. If he can't then you have your answer (and a clear list of why he should never be given primary custody if you need it).

Quite extreme, but you need to be on the same page and his decision-making is not good at the moment.

I think it’s a bit of a case of take the people that you live with for granted where is the niece and nephews are short term bursts of interaction and a bit of a novelty.
I honestly don’t know what you can do other than you’re both off together but then that seems like an enormous waste of money.

If you say no, he can’t have the leave. That will probably be the end of the relationship.