To get married when I earn more/own property?

If you feel you desperately want to do it sign a prenup first. But don’t do it.

Yes, how very embarrassing, women looking out for women, who historically have been shafted financially again and again by men. Look away!

Before we married DH paid £500 a month contribution to house costs , my home and mortgage and my name on all bills. He had no money but also no debt.

When we married and moved house it was all still in my name (still is 12 years and another house move later) but I protected the equity in my home and we started to pay 50/50 on everything so he is now invested in our home albeit in a smaller share should we divorce

@BeardyButton

I reckon if people viewed raising children as a business with the outcome being healthy happy children who grow into well adjusted adults, then there d be a lot less unhappiness in the world. Maybe people would choose their business partners differently.

Totally. A large part of the reason women often sleepwalk into dreadful situations with deadbeat partners and then leave themselves in awful financial situations is because they are told from birth that "love conquers all".

Well, it doesn't. Raising children goes well beyond money obviously: it does involve love and also stability, commitment, hard work. But it also takes money and critically it requires for the woman in the partnership to have some degree of control over that money. Because in the vast majority of cases it is the woman who is doing the heavy lifting with child-rearing.

Whether that means being married to the man so you don't get shafted when he walks off into the sunset OR working to support yourself so the situation doesn't arise in the first place is down to each individual situation. But the main reason why women get left up shit creek by having and raising children is because they don't really understand how badly it will impact their financial situation.

That means being really clear eyed before having children about the best way to protect themselves and choosing an approach that fits their finances. Not being led down a blind alley by ideas of "love".

I actually think we should devise a financial structure which decouples the "love" part of marriage from the financial part. Over time I think it would be likely to incentivise women to make better decisions if it were clearer at the outset that its about money. I'm sure a lot of people will disagree here but I think marriage has outlived its usefulness.

again, this is why a will is absolutely essential.

Are you 100% sure this doesn't give him a legal claim on the house anyway

Yeah I was thinking the same. If he's not to have any claim on the house op shouldn't be accepting money towards the mortgage. Bills etc, yes but mortgage no

So he should live there for free?
No rent?

I really don’t think it’s vomit inducing. Managing a life is a business, it takes hard work and partnership. Raising children is definitely business. It’s the hardest thing I do.

I reckon if people viewed raising children as a business with the outcome being healthy happy children who grow into well adjusted adults, then there d be a lot less unhappiness in the world. Maybe people would choose their business partners differently.

That’s not to say there shouldn’t be love and happiness, joy, companionship and warmth. Only that these human needs we have shouldn’t blind us to our true objectives (happy kids etc).

The outcome of ignoring this, choosing based on our needs and impulses, can be awful. To see this, have a look at the Cinderella effect… one business partnership ends in separation and the parents choose again. This choice (the step parent) can have disastrous effects on children. The number one predictor for child abuse is living w a step parent.

I think it’s much more vomit inducing to think about these poor kids.

Normally in this case it would be she has no assets because she stayed home to look after THEIR DC and had been/was going to be financially disadvantaged without marriage

Change your last name

@tiger2691

It's all just a business arrangement then? How vomit inducing your post is.

You can feel that if you like but it doesn't change the fact that marriage is a legal contract which governs the distribution of money between a couple. That's what it is, whether you like it or not.

People are welcome to overlay whatever faith or love based symbolism they want and that's fine. This obviously gives people comfort and if it strengthens some relationships then all to the good. But if it is used to mislead people into thinking marriage is going to protect their relationships it's a problem. And that happens a lot.

Women who believe that marriage is some sort of silver bullet which will guarantee the health of their relationships or paper over the cracks of something which isn't working (as this OP seems to be doing) are dangerously in denial. Women who believe that marriage is a good idea because "we love each other" without considering the financial reality are also dangerously in denial.

Marriage is a very useful tool for people to protect their financial interests and stop themselves from being shafted. But it is usually disadvantageous to the wealthier person in the relationship (which is usually the woman) and its not appropriate in a situation where a man is financially vulnerable or a bit of a pisstaker or (as in this case) has debts. It's all about the money.

Sticking your head in the sand about this doesn't change the reality.

Oh for goodness sake of course marriage wouldn't solve your issues! It would just make things so much more complicated if when you split up!

Op@ellbigggb whatever you decide you really need to make a will if you haven't already...your financial situation would throw up all sorts of problems if you die without a will whilst your children are still minors.

It's all just a business arrangement then? How vomit inducing your post is.

@BeardyButton

Marriage isn’t about romance. It’s a partnership. A financial partnership, very often to bring up children. I wish people realised this. I will teach my children this.

I completely agree. So much damage is done by convincing women in particular that marriage is about love and hearts and floral displays.

Romantic novels, movies and music are so fundamental to our culture and provide so much joy but at heart their message is so pernicious and damaging.

I don’t know what the answer is really because you can’t deny people the right to believe in romance but fundamentally it’s like believing in Father Christmas; a comforting myth but at heart utter nonsense.

Marriage is about money. Always has been.

This. My SIL married my brother 5 years ago. He is 17 years older than her. She had been madly in love with him since she was 13. Sadly this meant that she was totally blind to the fact that , financially, he is an absolute prat.They live in a rented house and will ever be able to buy
She has a child from a previous relationship and is constantly scraping around for money. He has several cars and is constantly buying bits from Amazon to repair them. Before they got married she said she didn't care about money and that ' they had their love to keep them warm". Love doesn't put food on the table. Nor does it pay the gas bill. She has learnt the hard way

@1apenny2apenny you know they're his children as well, right?

Getting married won’t solve anything. He will be exactly as committed as he is now. Just now it’s going to cost you part of your house if he decides to leave.

getting married, having a baby, things people do to fix problems that never work. They should be things you do in an already perfect relationship, not to make it perfect.

What a breathtakingly horrible thing to say.
Many stop work because they believe that their children are better off being looked after by a parent.

No. I think women who own property and have DC's probably shouldn't marry someone in a financially risky position.

This. I married a man who turned out to be hopeless with money. At the start it was okay because neither of us had any. Then came store cards which he maxed out. Credit cards where he made the minimum payment but nothing else.That went hand in hand with a growing obsession about how he looked/ casual dress Fridays which apparently required a whole wardrobe of Levis and expensive boots. Would other people fancy him if he wore XYZ( he was married with 2 children so that was a real low point). In the end he left me for a 17 year old and I divorced him. It was hideous. Financial compatibility is enormously important. Your partner isn't going to change. If he becomes your husband it will only get worse. Don't do it to yourself

OP, with your visions of a dress, wedding etc and hoping for commitment, it sounds as if you are wanting romance, love, security, teamwork.

All this should be firmly in place BEFORE marriage. And you would only ever want to put all your hard earned assets into a marital pot once those things were in place.

He doesn’t seem to make you feel secure. He is so outside the team that he didn’t tell you about his financial situation.

You showed so much commitment by having children with him, allowing them to have his name, taking responsibility for housing their children while family (despite him earning more), and it sounds as if it will take a while before he can contribute a fairer share to the cost of housing your / his children… I would be feeling quite exhausted by this and wishing for a fairytale ending with a finale in a big white dress

But magic doesn’t happen, sadly.

I would take legal advice on whether his payment towards bills and costs give him any rights over your property. MN can be very alarmist and misinformed on some legal points.

Marriage isn’t about romance. It’s a partnership. A financial partnership, very often to bring up children. I wish people realised this. I will teach my children this.

in my view, romantic movies etc has given us a very very dangerous view of what marriage is. This leaves a whole lot of unhappy people, questing after something that doesn’t exist.

the most important decision you ll ever make is the person you ll marry. This decision should be made with the head AND the heart. The worst disservice we do to young people (especially girls) is convincing them that romantic love is the only thing that matters and it conquers all.

Lovely!!!!

Woman has children and wants to actually look after them and she’s lazy????

What planet are you on?!