To not help this morning?

GummyBearr · 2024-12-30T07:43:07+00:00

I was up for about 3 hours last night as my baby wouldn’t sleep. DH is at the moment at home looking after her I’m back at work. The toddler goes to nursery full time and due today. I’m working today, was off the Christmas week. Toddler woke up early and baby slept so I slept with baby. We wake up late and DH and toddler watching TV on the sofa, DH half asleep. AIBU not to help to get them out of the house. He has not succeeded once in his own before. It would basically mean he has them both to look after.

devilspawn · 30/12/2024 15:11

The victim blaming is wild in this thread.

What happened in the end OP?

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 15:09

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 14:00

So, I knew not helping getting the toddler out of the door will just make my own life more difficult. But I still wanted a quick fire poll, and 90% so far agreed to just leave it to DH.

@Resilienceisimportant what you are describing is setting a really low bar, and yet again put all the pressure on you (or the person doing that). Yes, good manager will be able to train up an employee. But common. The example I’ve given was very clear and simple. Unless you are my child with some additional needs or in fact an employee that needs reasonable adjustment I’d expect you to grasp pretty quickly that your first job in the morning when you get in is to count that money in the till. How many times do you think is acceptable to have to repeat that? Because there is a limit where you are turning into a bad manager wasting your time with someone who is not up to the job.

Not my job to spell out to DH every single time how does the morning run. He chooses to wait for me ignoring the time, knowing well I need to start work at time X.

Okay fine sorry for trying to help as you asked for advice. You are clearly angry and are at the end. You’re done so tell him so.

Tiswa · 30/12/2024 14:03

No it isn’t at all OP and given you spent 3 hours up that is enough
is he working at all at the moment or just the shift you are working and leaves you to do the rest

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 14:00

So, I knew not helping getting the toddler out of the door will just make my own life more difficult. But I still wanted a quick fire poll, and 90% so far agreed to just leave it to DH.

@Resilienceisimportant what you are describing is setting a really low bar, and yet again put all the pressure on you (or the person doing that). Yes, good manager will be able to train up an employee. But common. The example I’ve given was very clear and simple. Unless you are my child with some additional needs or in fact an employee that needs reasonable adjustment I’d expect you to grasp pretty quickly that your first job in the morning when you get in is to count that money in the till. How many times do you think is acceptable to have to repeat that? Because there is a limit where you are turning into a bad manager wasting your time with someone who is not up to the job.

Not my job to spell out to DH every single time how does the morning run. He chooses to wait for me ignoring the time, knowing well I need to start work at time X.

OP posts:

Ohnobackagain · 30/12/2024 13:53

@GummyBearr so did he go in the end? I understand why you feel step by step instructions shouldn’t be necessary but it seems as though if you don’t give him some kind of push to get there you’re going to be stuck doing stuff. I know it sounds ridiculous but if he is worried he won’t do it ‘your’ way (as in, he thinks you’ll fly off the handle if he does it differently) then with a list he has no excuse … and you can just say ‘on a call now - it’s on the list’ 🤷🏻‍♀️. I guess then if he STILL doesn’t do it you know for sure he’s being useless (either to get you to just takeover or because he genuinely is useless)

SometimesCalmPerson · 30/12/2024 13:33

I’m guessing this isn’t really about nursery this morning, because if it is, I can’t see the problem. The toddler went to nursery, albeit a bit late, but it’s the week between Christmas and New Year so lots will probably be late. He’s looking after the baby, and you are at work. All good. I also don’t see the problem with him wanting some downtime this evening. When mothers are on here complaining about the slog of caring for a baby all day, the advice is that the working parent should take over in the evening so the SAHM gets time to themselves. If it’s good enough for Mums that have been doing childcare all day, then it’s good enough for Dads too.

arcticpandas · 30/12/2024 13:30

@GummyBearr Sorry OP, I think what you came for was some female solidarity which you do get. But I think it came with some tough love as well from some, not to bring you down, but to make you react. This is difficult to do though because we all know who will get to suffer if dad doesn't live up to basic parenting standards; the children. Which is why we constantly go in and "help". It's really hard to be tough when your kids wellbeing is on stake. I have the same problem but I'm a sahm which makes it much easier obviously.

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 13:29

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 13:21

@Resilienceisimportant this is actually an interesting post. I see the point you are making but if getting things done means having to spell out step by step instruction every single time that’s a no from me.

Taking it as an attitude and performance ability to workplace that would be a shit employee or a shit manager or a super shit job and most likely all of the above.

I guess that might work for some people but that’s just really useless low performance. Say your job is every morning to count the money in the till and every single morning even though you are already at your workplace you don’t start the counting until I tell you to…. Even though you know that’s what you will have to do. That’s what your post is saying. As said, maybe it works for some people but that’s ridiculous.

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Completely get it but to continue your work anology (which works) a good manager will also not be able to performance manage someone until they have been crystal clear about what is expected. Set our clear objectives they need to be met and set up the person for success.

Again, is it a performance issue or capability issue. I would probably suggest your husband is capable so spell it all out to them feel like you have done everything you can to support his performance. Maybe not fair, but at least if you have to walk away you can feel like you did everything you could to make it work?

commonsense61 · 30/12/2024 13:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 13:21

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 12:22

He hasn’t done it because he hasn’t had to. Why would it suddenly occur to him to start now?

Unfortunately sometimes you have to be crystal clear on what you want/need.

Expecting someone to do something without them knowing (however obvious) will end in disappointment. Until you tell him very clearly you can’t be angry that he couldn’t read your mind (again no matter how obviously he should have done these things).

I am constantly baffled at people’s expectations on other people without being clear about what they expect.

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@Resilienceisimportant this is actually an interesting post. I see the point you are making but if getting things done means having to spell out step by step instruction every single time that’s a no from me.

Taking it as an attitude and performance ability to workplace that would be a shit employee or a shit manager or a super shit job and most likely all of the above.

I guess that might work for some people but that’s just really useless low performance. Say your job is every morning to count the money in the till and every single morning even though you are already at your workplace you don’t start the counting until I tell you to…. Even though you know that’s what you will have to do. That’s what your post is saying. As said, maybe it works for some people but that’s ridiculous.

OP posts:

Barrenfieldoffucks · 30/12/2024 12:51

DooDooDooDooDooDooDooDoo · 30/12/2024 07:57

It would not cross my mind to get involved. Not in a bad way but I'd just think he'll either take her or not take her.

It's up to him how he chooses to look after them today. You are at work so you do that, and he's at home so he's doing that.

This. What makes you think he can't?

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:49

Oh you all lovely ladies (and gentlemen?) . As I said I’m raging, am combative and starting to have a bit of fun here. The AIBU was will it be to let him deal with the morning run alone and not help to get the toddler out or the door as he never managed that part once. Which would mean he and the two kids would most likely end up being home together the whole day instead of one being at nursery.

Well, I though very hard about what you all concerned people said and will be writing up a detailed report to you all on how I allowed this to happened and how am I going to deal with it.

How long would be sufficient? 5000 words? 10000?

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LookItsMeAgain · 30/12/2024 12:43

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:48

As I said. The toddler is in nursery now. He can manage the baby, well 9-5 (slightly exaggerating) and expect a medal and pat on the back for how modern and involved father he is (not exaggerating)

And then he will want to make sure he gets his downtime once his ‘shift’ finishes (at my expense).

Make sure that when you're finished your WFH today, that you dash up to the bathroom and have a long luxurious bath/shower for you. Don't rush out. Tell him he has to fix the dinner tonight as you've been doing and if that means takeout for a night, so be it but you won't starve.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/12/2024 12:41

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:30

Toddler is in nursery. I work from home so shooting myself in the foot really if not getting them out of the door.

Honestly, though, this feels like the last straw. Outdated, old fashioned views, that no, I didn’t see coming. I actually felt I had one of those pulling their weight at home. Well, until the children arrived!!

Well now you know and you can certainly do something about it.

1 - no more unprotected sex at all, or better yet, no sex until he has a vasectomy.
2 - Cover stuff for you and the kids but don't cover him (no laundry, no cleaning etc.) He's an adult. Let him be an adult and see what responsibilities come with being an adult.
3 - If he starts kicking off because you implement step 2 above, then you need to move quicker to separate and divorce him because he is showing you the real him, and you'd better believe that version of him because the other one (that you thought you had bagged), well, he's well gone by now.

You can get through this and you will get through it!

Bearbookagainandagain · 30/12/2024 12:35

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

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I think she's got a point.
The only option you have is to let him deal with his mess rather than fixing it. Ideally with a heads up: "tomorrow I am working from 8 am, I'm not able to help getting toddler ready".

Of course you're not unreasonable, but raging on your own won't do anything to change the situation.

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 12:34

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

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No I agree with Minnie no matter how it was maybe worded. No one is putting the boot in.

You have “allowed” this to happen as you haven’t communicated what you want to happen (no matter how obvious) and enable behaviour by not clearly setting out what you expect from him. This ain’t blaming you but rather about what needs to happen to change your situation:

I get you are frustrated and tired and we have all been there. Not an easy time trying to juggle two children and working full time. We get it.

I also get you want to vent and then vent again at a poster but what you really need is to not have this happen again.

Be clear about expectations and what you need your husband to do. My guess (happy to be proven wrong) is that you did the lions share of childcare and house while on mat leave and the shift of you going back to work and needing this to be more equal hasn’t happened. Have this conversation if you haven’t already.

As someone said to me once - every job you pick up during mat leave you don’t lose when you go back to work.

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 12:22

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 08:25

Haha - those saying things along the lines can he not look after his children, how did you let it get there…. I’m actually raging and feel combative but shall refrain from being a dick here

But to address it anyway. Yeah, this morning feels like the straw that….

He hasn’t done it because he hasn’t had to. Why would it suddenly occur to him to start now?

Unfortunately sometimes you have to be crystal clear on what you want/need.

Expecting someone to do something without them knowing (however obvious) will end in disappointment. Until you tell him very clearly you can’t be angry that he couldn’t read your mind (again no matter how obviously he should have done these things).

I am constantly baffled at people’s expectations on other people without being clear about what they expect.

Hadalifeonce · 30/12/2024 12:17

Is there not a friend you need to meet up with for a drink after work??

MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 12:15

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

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Burying your head in the sand won’t fix this.

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 12:07

Be as raging as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that this happened because you allowed it to.

So why did you? And what are you going to do now to address it?

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@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

OP posts:

MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 12:07

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 08:25

Haha - those saying things along the lines can he not look after his children, how did you let it get there…. I’m actually raging and feel combative but shall refrain from being a dick here

But to address it anyway. Yeah, this morning feels like the straw that….

Be as raging as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that this happened because you allowed it to.

So why did you? And what are you going to do now to address it?

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:48

As I said. The toddler is in nursery now. He can manage the baby, well 9-5 (slightly exaggerating) and expect a medal and pat on the back for how modern and involved father he is (not exaggerating)

And then he will want to make sure he gets his downtime once his ‘shift’ finishes (at my expense).

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2024 10:44

Do you have a room you work in at home so that you are shut off from the rest of the house? I’d go to ‘work’ and leave him to it.

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:41

Namechangedforthis25 · 30/12/2024 10:40

Sorry to hear that

presumably still happy for you to work and earn money though - so not that old fashioned when it suits him

Be tough - he can sort it. Close your door, don’t come out if he needs you - just say you are on calls or in training all day

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And yep again

OP posts:

Original poster

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:40

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 30/12/2024 10:34

He chose to create two kids but fails to perform basic parenting? Deeply unattractive, making himself a burden.

Yep

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