How bad a parent am I?

I think at that age I'd center the conversation around what you would like to do a couple of nights of week. For example, that you would like to read (or whatever your hobby is) for an hour, so DC are welcome to do something quietly or go to their room as you're focusing.

God. My mother did this to me. It was horrific and completely centred around what she wanted, not my needs. Forcing me to turn my light off at 8pm when I was 13 or 14 when I couldn't sleep until at least 10pm. I had to use the streetlight outside my window to read books. Don't do this to your child.

I can assure you she doesn't miss out on activities. Guides is not something she has ever been interested in, it's not something that's popular in our area.

She has singing lessons 5pm till 6pm one night a week. Boxing 5 till 6pm another night and dances on a Saturday .🤷🏼‍♀️

She used to have swimming lessons but once she reached academy level she decided she'd had enough.

At 13 their brains are still developing and in my opinion sleep is very important. She's top set in maths English and science so maybe her 8.5/9 hours sleep is paying off

ZippyBlueViper your children must be missing out on all extra curricular and sports with an insistence on lights out at 9pm. Which is a shame for them. Even Girlguides finishes at 9pm (so home by 9.30pm) and that starts aged 10, in Y5. My children all did swimming club and various racket sports where the older children's sessions didn't even start until 8.30 or 9pm.

tryingtokeepmyheadabovewater how old will your eldest child be when your youngest chiod is 11? Will you still be expecting child free evenings then? It has to end sometime. My children are 10, 15, 18 and 20 - I cringe at my expectations with my eldest now that I compare to my youngest. I truly understand not sweating the small stuff. Life evolves. I frequently go to bed before my teens and often at the same time as my youngest - this doesn't equal missing out on anything (like child free time). I gain much more than i lost by the mature relationships I have with the children's they've got older.

Dc of a similar age (3 of them!) none go to bed before 11/12 on non school nights and on school nights it's around 9.30/10, it is what it is, they have tv/ipad time in their rooms after a certain time (they choose this tbf) but is this something you could encourage? I get that listening to them playing games in earshot is annoying af but they don't actually want to interact with you 🤣

This! ^^

You are not a terrible parent at all op.

I remember this transition. It’s a hard adjustment.

When your dc are young, how you order your life and theirs, tends to benefit both parents and children. But once they become teens it’s a big change and parents have to adjust accordingly. Your teen has a right to inhabit your evening too I’m afraid.

You are still allowed to have your own time op, but it is hard for a while during this transition stage until they become more independent so it’s good to build in time outside the house just for yourself at the weekends or one evening a week.

I know it’s not the same as being able to have time to yourself at home but as the pp said, it won’t be long before you will be trying to prise them out of their rooms.

Harsh.

Is the view nice from your high horse?

Not the point of the post but I genuinely don't know how children stay up so late - I remember trying to stay awake til 8.30 at a similar age & failing miserably!

Quite a dreadful parent to be honest. You should cherish every moment you children spend with you because one they they will be gone for good.

I think you could have this conversation with them. If they're old enough to stay up later, they're old enough to understand some light parental boundaries in regard to what you need to feel peaceful and rested.
What do you do in the evening OP? You could explain to your DC that after a long day you just really like to be quietly shopping/scrolling on your phone for a bit ( I know it doesn't sound great to say it out loud, but we're all human so better to own it!) or doing yoga or watching TV, and that you are happy for them to stay up but you probably won't be much fun.
My mum used to say that if we bothered her we'd have to go to bed, and I'm sure there is a gentler way of saying that whilst still making it clear your evenings need to be your own for the most part.

Yeah she goes to her room for 7. She looks forward to face timing her friends, they practice make up looks together, she loves to draw so she'll get her sketch books out all over her floor etc. I wander in and out checking if she needs anything, chat to her about what she's drawing etc and she'll wander threw to me if she wants something. It's not like she's banished to her room 🤣 she likes her space as much as i like mine. All of her friends have lights out at 9 during the week, I didn't think 9 was an unusual time? Maybe because we're country people and live very rural? She's up at 6am everyday during week. She has breakfast gets ready then walks her dog then we have to leave at 730 for me to drive her to the bus stop for 8. On a weekend she sleeps in till around 8 but it's still an early start. 9pm till 6am is only 9 hours sleep and she probably takes half hour to drop off so 8 and half hours sleep? I thought that was kind of the amount of sleep children should be getting? Maybe I'm doing it all wrong 🤦🏼‍♀️

My ds recently turned 12 and I feel the same! His bedtime seems to get later and later. He's got dragging it out down to a tee! I got into a really bad habit of going to bed really late just so I felt like I had a bit of an evening to myself to relax after working and then making the evening meal, doing the housework, helping with homework etc. Then I'd be worn out the next day at work. He doesn't like reading so he won't go up earlier and do that and I don't want him gaming to close to bed time.
He now has a shower before bed and gets his uniform and bag ready for the next day and this gives me time to unwind and also helps the mornings run more smoothly. He has started finding series's that he likes so will watch an episode or 2 before bed. We always have our evening meal together so he can tell me about his day and that helps me not feel guilty if I want to snuggle up and read my book

Why can't you do productive tasks while they're awake? Surely at 11 it's not like you'll go and empty the washing machine and they'll come and find you and cry until you pick them up, or you'll come back to find they've emptied flour all over the kitchen?

Does the eldest have their own room? If not it's not surprising they'd rather be downstairs than sitting in the dark while their sibling sleeps. If they do, if they are anything like I was as a teenager they'll soon just be in their room all the time and your problem with be moot.

Until then maybe just watch something they'll have no interest in on the TV, or swap your routine around, so usually if you have a shower last thing have that earlier while dc is still up and then relax after. Or you go to your room if you want to just read or mn in peace.

Yes it would be nice to spend a bit of 1-1 time with them but it doesn't have to be for the full hour or two every night! It's fine to want your own time.

Do they want to spend time with you or are they just pottling about in their room playing/reading/whatever?

Basically if they're demanding your attention, you can impose some rules and boundaries and still keep some nights to yourself, without keeping bedtime too early.

If it's because you feel you should be with them/do something/can't relax because they're not asleep, then that's a you problem and it would be massively unfair to punish the child because of it.

I don’t remember how old I was when I started staying up late, maybe 13 or 14, but Mum and I would watch tv together and catch up on our day.

The older kids were long gone and Dad always went to bed early.

I don’t recall it ruining her life — I’m sure she would’ve told me. She was always quick to tell me when I irritated her. I was always quick to remind her that I’d be in charge of choosing her care home.

I am at the stage of life with my kids where I go to bed before they do! It's my way of getting some me time. 😁.

What about suggesting a hybrid model. They go to bed later four nights a week but earlier three nights a week?

Or let her know it's down time and do what you would do normally .. bath, facemask, movie and she can hang out but it's not time for play.

Yeah, I have a 13yo, almost 14yo, and he prefers to spend time alone in his room from 8pm ish, mostly gaming. Lights out around 10pm school nights (he needs a lot of sleep and always has) and 11pm + weekends and holidays.

It won't be long and like pp has said, they won't want to be with you (amazing and sad in equal measures!).

Does he want to be hanging out with you until 930? Or just playing, doing stuff etc. if it’s the latter there is no issue.

I don't know any 13 year olds who have lights out by 9.30 at the weekend unless they need to get up at 5am for swimming!

I also can't imagine making a 13 year old go to their room at 7 so I don't have to see them. It feels a bit dismissive. But if it works for your family then that's great.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting some alone time and it does get harder as they get older.

I wouldn't worry. When they are teenagers they won't want your company, you will never see them and if you do they will growl at you or mutter something under their breath.

@tryingtokeepmyheadabovewater my dc is 11 too and bedtime seems to be getting later and later so I totally emphasise. Do you have a shower / bath after they have gone to bed ?

Blimey!

@ZippyBlueViper sorry I just realised that sounds really judgey, I'm not I'm just really surprised, it seems really early for a teenager!