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Original poster

To be upset and angry about my mums weight

237 replies

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:12

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

OP posts:
Calling · 29/12/2024 21:42

You are certainly not being unreasonable to think that your mother's swollen legs and compulsive eating need medical assessment. Could you make a doctor's appointment for her?
I hope that you can get some respite.

nonbinaryfinery · 29/12/2024 21:42

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:41

All the posts focused on the eating, it seems this goes far beyond that tbh.

This.

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:42

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:37

No no, sorry no.

The therapist has been a lifeline for me in all this. No, my mother will say it when I've had pain in the last few weeks. The other day I was crippled and hunched over and then that was her response.

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that she said that to you.

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:41

All the posts focused on the eating, it seems this goes far beyond that tbh.

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:40

Have a look at this site OP. https://outofthefog.website

It sounds like emotional abuse. Maybe you can get some support with this, e.g. from a carers place or GP or something. You need to look after yourself.

Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Helping family members & loved-ones of people who suffer from personality disorders.

https://outofthefog.website

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:38

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:31

This is good advice, but I don't know how to take it TBH. I've seen that the care is lacking, our family never step back and I've never done that and I know I'd never be forgiven if I left her in a care home and said I was concentrating on myself and my life, it would be hell for me from her.

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You might need to think about how you can deal with that. Also that is not a kind thing, to give someone 'hell' because they need to look after their own health.

Sounds like you are being bullied.

SensibleSigma · 29/12/2024 21:38

I’m sorry but nothing you say or do will help her change. She is doing the best she can. She self comforts using food. She’s at the mercy of massive compulsions. Any weight she has lost is a huge triumph and has gained her a little time. I’m 54. I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained. I’m currently a size 16 which is about as good as it gets. My only chance of staying this size is having an easy life- no worries and little to do beyond looking after myself.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:37

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:36

Do you mean the therapist says this? That's not great.

Show quote history

No no, sorry no.

The therapist has been a lifeline for me in all this. No, my mother will say it when I've had pain in the last few weeks. The other day I was crippled and hunched over and then that was her response.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:36

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:29

I have, I've been in burnout for a few months and all the responsibilities I've taken on with being disabled too and the stress of the hospital, I have nothing left and I'm just in so much pain.

I haven't got any support right now, no. I have a therapist I do see though, but nothing else. I'm also in the situation if I ever mention I'm in pain or not doing well she dismisses me and says 'yeah well me too, so what' so I'm just overwhelmed tbh.

Show quote history

Do you mean the therapist says this? That's not great.

Sometimeswinning · 29/12/2024 21:36

cartagenagina · 29/12/2024 21:31

Honestly you need to find a way to carve out a life for yourself.

How old are you?

She cares about her mum! You can have a life and still worry about family.

nonbinaryfinery · 29/12/2024 21:34

Break the cycle OP, you're young and deserve a life.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:33

cartagenagina · 29/12/2024 21:31

Honestly you need to find a way to carve out a life for yourself.

How old are you?

I'm in my 30's.
No partner of my own either and living at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:32

custardpyjamas · 29/12/2024 21:29

Telling anyone they are eating too much is never going to go well, and saying it to your mother over xmas when she apparently has no partner, just you and her ailing mum seems a bit cruel to me. Eating may be the only comfort she gets.

True, but it's just gone on to excess and she's swollen everywhere, I'm just panicked by her health right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:31

Alalalala · 29/12/2024 21:27

I think you have to start thinking about how to detach and accept you will never be able to care for both her and your grandma. That way you won’t feel the need to control her actions because even if she does eat herself further into ill health, it won’t be something you will be able to manage.

Make it clear to yourself and her it sadly won’t be possible. Social services will have to step in.

This is good advice, but I don't know how to take it TBH. I've seen that the care is lacking, our family never step back and I've never done that and I know I'd never be forgiven if I left her in a care home and said I was concentrating on myself and my life, it would be hell for me from her.

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 29/12/2024 21:31

Honestly you need to find a way to carve out a life for yourself.

How old are you?

nonbinaryfinery · 29/12/2024 21:30

I've got a mate like this. It's horrible. I love her to pieces but she never, ever makes any changes. I've known her for almost 15 years, and she's got progressively heavier. She's unfortunately battled with anorexia in the past, but after she broke up with someone, she started comfort eating and it got out of hand. It's ballooned into binge eating.

I tried so much to help. I used to have an ED myself and I know they're not rational. The thing is, there's only so much you can do, and she's not going to change. You have to take care of yourself and your grandmother. Your mother has made it clear she's not going to do anything to get better, so leave her to it.

I accepted my mate isn't going to get any better until she hits rock bottom, and unfortunately I've run out of energy to deal with it because I've got my own health issues and responsibilities to be dealing with. There's only so much you can do.

Put yourself first for once.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:29

WinterCrow · 29/12/2024 21:20

I think you've got carer's burn-out and overwhelm, OP - and it's good you've recognised this before it's too late.

Have you ever sought out support for yourself? Do you currently have any?

I have, I've been in burnout for a few months and all the responsibilities I've taken on with being disabled too and the stress of the hospital, I have nothing left and I'm just in so much pain.

I haven't got any support right now, no. I have a therapist I do see though, but nothing else. I'm also in the situation if I ever mention I'm in pain or not doing well she dismisses me and says 'yeah well me too, so what' so I'm just overwhelmed tbh.

OP posts:
custardpyjamas · 29/12/2024 21:29

Telling anyone they are eating too much is never going to go well, and saying it to your mother over xmas when she apparently has no partner, just you and her ailing mum seems a bit cruel to me. Eating may be the only comfort she gets.

Alalalala · 29/12/2024 21:27

I think you have to start thinking about how to detach and accept you will never be able to care for both her and your grandma. That way you won’t feel the need to control her actions because even if she does eat herself further into ill health, it won’t be something you will be able to manage.

Make it clear to yourself and her it sadly won’t be possible. Social services will have to step in.

TheWildZebra · 29/12/2024 21:27

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:22

I have tried, over and over and over again. If it's ever brought up in a kind or gentle way she kicks off and makes it so it cannot be mentioned and if it is we're 'killing her' by making her blood pressure go up or 'ruining everything'. It's impossible to ever bring it up, that's why it's come to a head, it's been forever mentioning it kindly over and over again. She refuses help of any kind.

Show quote history

That’s kind of what I mean. Don’t bring it up. Try and understand what triggers this eating and work with that. You want to deal with cause not effect because your current approach is not working.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:26

Pigeonqueen · 29/12/2024 21:24

This is really hard but ultimately she’s an adult and it’s her choice to live like this. It’s perfectly okay - although emotionally difficult obviously- for you to say you won’t care for her if she needs care because of her health. (Been there done that with my own Mum, I’m disabled myself too). It’s worth remembering though that although being overweight isn’t great for anyone’s health it isn’t an automatic death sentence. I think health is a bit of a lottery really. But I appreciate its hard seeing someone you care for doing this to themselves.

Her health is bad, she has excess fluid on her legs and our family have a history of heart disease. She won't see a dr, but her physical symptoms are that her heart is in decline.

I don't know how to not take on the care, if you knew what I've done for my grandmother to get her through this, it's been a lot including hand feeding her when the drs said there was no chance. It's not really what I can do.

OP posts:
soupfiend · 29/12/2024 21:26

But you shouldnt be challenging her, its her business isnt it?

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2024 21:26

What would you say her height and weight are currently?

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:24

Also, she's also always in huge denial about everything and this is a big thing with her eating. So she'll say 'it's only a little tub of ice cream' when she's eaten the whole 2L tub to herself as 'an extra'

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 29/12/2024 21:24

This is really hard but ultimately she’s an adult and it’s her choice to live like this. It’s perfectly okay - although emotionally difficult obviously- for you to say you won’t care for her if she needs care because of her health. (Been there done that with my own Mum, I’m disabled myself too). It’s worth remembering though that although being overweight isn’t great for anyone’s health it isn’t an automatic death sentence. I think health is a bit of a lottery really. But I appreciate its hard seeing someone you care for doing this to themselves.