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Original poster

To be upset and angry about my mums weight

237 replies

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:12

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:20

Elizo · 29/12/2024 22:15

This is a horrible situation. But comments about what is eating are going to make it worse. Can you encourage her to get some help?

I've tried. Over and over and over and over and over again. She won't get help, she won't see a dr, she hasn't in over 10 years. She's had high BP since 1998 and doesn't even go to get it checked. She refuses any help.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:20

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 22:15

Sounds like heart failure or something, worrying

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That's what I think, she's had huge swelling on her feet and legs and will not see a dr. She prefers to live in denial and says it's just fat. Her ankles were folded over her shoes they were so swollen. She refuses to do anything, when I've brought that up very gently to say I was worried she literally started screaming at me for attacking her and ruining her day and why did I want to do that. She then said the problem was me and I was warped and it was me who was sick in the head seeing things that aren't there. She was shouting so much it was just insane and then she said that the aggravation was making her ill, I was making her ill, not that.

You see my problem...

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:17

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 22:14

Sounds like you all need a needs assessment, with social services.

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My grandmother has been assigned carers as a reablement, but didn't like them and most things she can do with our help, so they were coming once a day to wash her but I think she's going to ask them to stop, so not sure what can be assessed.

they're very much 'put the best face on' and even things like cleaning, they're like, don't ask them, we'll do it. It's not extreme needs, and it looks like I'm able to do things, I'm just in a lot of pain.

OP posts:
Elizo · 29/12/2024 22:15

This is a horrible situation. But comments about what is eating are going to make it worse. Can you encourage her to get some help?

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 22:15

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:02

I think she's creeping into a size 24 or so, I got her size 20 pjs and she's said they need to go back as they'll tear when she sits.

It's her stomach as well, it's so swollen and looks like fluid on it. She also wasn't able to walk a few weeks ago with swelling and fluid on her feet.

Show quote history

Sounds like heart failure or something, worrying

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:15

bryceQ · 29/12/2024 22:08

I'm sorry for you. This sounds really stressful. Sadly I don't think commenting will have any impact. You're not responsible for her health, as difficult as this is. What can you do to help with your pain and stress?

I know, it's really hard, I know I'm not responsible, the thing is I say this and say it to myself but then I know when something happens it'll kill me, either the care of her or the fact she's gone and it was preventable. It's hard to just sit back and make peace with her killing herself.

For me, I don't know. A new life TBH. I need rest every day ordinarily and I'm taking on more day to day chores and caring responsibilities. To feel better I'd need a total break away and just rest for days on end.
I am booking a massage for next week, but then that might not even relax me, my mother has been saying I might bring COVID back (I'll be masking) and then if I so much as sneeze it'll be that I've caught COVID. I don't know, I'm just tired.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 22:14

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:56

Yeah, thanks, not to give a lot away but I've been here before with the emotional blackmail she's put me through before. If I said or did anything she didn't like she'd say I was killing her and not to cry when she's dead and everything.

The trouble is, it's almost impossible to extract myself fully. I'm disabled and I don't have any other family so I'd be all alone in the world and I've built more of a life for myself but lately it's come crashing down a bit. It's impossible to put that much distance between us.

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Sounds like you all need a needs assessment, with social services.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:11

Katemax82 · 29/12/2024 22:07

Yes she had many a health scare before this and was warned repeatedly but just gave up...my kids are heart broken

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It's so hard to see someone do this to themselves and see what's coming, you're kind of always preparing for this and angry and trying to help avoid it.
It must be hard for you and your kids, a lot to process for you, also you having them you know you wouldn't want to do anything that would make them suffer like you, so it's hard to understand why she did (also my mum too)

OP posts:
bryceQ · 29/12/2024 22:08

I'm sorry for you. This sounds really stressful. Sadly I don't think commenting will have any impact. You're not responsible for her health, as difficult as this is. What can you do to help with your pain and stress?

Katemax82 · 29/12/2024 22:07

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:59

I'm so sorry for your loss Kate and I know exactly how you feel. It's awful for all they say they love you you just think if you do you wouldn't make us suffer like this and would do something instead.

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Yes she had many a health scare before this and was warned repeatedly but just gave up...my kids are heart broken

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:02

CandyCane457 · 29/12/2024 21:50

This must be tough for you OP. How big is she roughly- if you could guess a clothes size?
I don’t have any words of wisdom as I’ve never been in a similar situation, but just wanted to let you know I feel for you as it must be such a burden and a worry!

I think she's creeping into a size 24 or so, I got her size 20 pjs and she's said they need to go back as they'll tear when she sits.

It's her stomach as well, it's so swollen and looks like fluid on it. She also wasn't able to walk a few weeks ago with swelling and fluid on her feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:00

SnoopySantaPaws · 29/12/2024 21:59

So you should be. STFU HER weight, is HER. Business, not yours.

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It's kind of my business when her health issues will fall to me to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:59

Katemax82 · 29/12/2024 21:56

My mum was morbidly obese since age 40 and died a few months ago from a heart attack and I still feel angry that she never made any effort to be healthy

I'm so sorry for your loss Kate and I know exactly how you feel. It's awful for all they say they love you you just think if you do you wouldn't make us suffer like this and would do something instead.

OP posts:
SnoopySantaPaws · 29/12/2024 21:59

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:20

It's not intentional, I suppose I'm at my wits end and exhausted and in pain and see that she's heading for the hospital and continuing with kid gloves is doing nothing at all. She just strops anytime anything is ever mentioned or starts a huge argument until everyone is scared to mention it.

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So you should be. STFU HER weight, is HER. Business, not yours.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:56

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:40

Have a look at this site OP. https://outofthefog.website

It sounds like emotional abuse. Maybe you can get some support with this, e.g. from a carers place or GP or something. You need to look after yourself.

Yeah, thanks, not to give a lot away but I've been here before with the emotional blackmail she's put me through before. If I said or did anything she didn't like she'd say I was killing her and not to cry when she's dead and everything.

The trouble is, it's almost impossible to extract myself fully. I'm disabled and I don't have any other family so I'd be all alone in the world and I've built more of a life for myself but lately it's come crashing down a bit. It's impossible to put that much distance between us.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 29/12/2024 21:56

My mum was morbidly obese since age 40 and died a few months ago from a heart attack and I still feel angry that she never made any effort to be healthy

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:54

AnotherDayAnotherIdea · 29/12/2024 21:50

I know this isn't the point of your thread but your comment about the elderly being left to dehydrate resonated with me as this happened in my family and I am not sure how the nhs is getting away with it. Elderly people going in with a minor issue and ending up being dehydrated out of life.

It's sickening, it's why we had to be there so much because we saw people who were OK and walking being moved to die in hospice as they literally left water away from them the whole day, they had no visitors and were too dehydrated to lift a glass or ask for it.
It's like legal euthanasia what they're doing. We've seen some things there and they're not pretty.

OP posts:
HardenYourHeart · 29/12/2024 21:53

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:31

This is good advice, but I don't know how to take it TBH. I've seen that the care is lacking, our family never step back and I've never done that and I know I'd never be forgiven if I left her in a care home and said I was concentrating on myself and my life, it would be hell for me from her.

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There are some parallel's between your mother's behavior and yourself. Your mother harms herself with food and you harm yourself by taking on more responsibilities than you can handle. You also don't step back to look after yourself. You push through the pain and thereby cause yourself even more pain. Your mother is the same with food.

Care may be awful, but can you do better, especially if your neglect your own needs? If you don't take care of yourself there will be no one left to even visit either of them in the hospital. You only have a responsibility towards yourself, OP, in the same way that you mother has a responsibility towards herself. However, you can't make her take that responsibility. You can only take it for yourself.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:52

Calling · 29/12/2024 21:42

You are certainly not being unreasonable to think that your mother's swollen legs and compulsive eating need medical assessment. Could you make a doctor's appointment for her?
I hope that you can get some respite.

No. Not to go into a lot of details, but I've tried before and all hell broke loose, there were huge arguments and accusations that I'm killing her and I don't think I could cope with all that right now.

OP posts:
CandyCane457 · 29/12/2024 21:50

This must be tough for you OP. How big is she roughly- if you could guess a clothes size?
I don’t have any words of wisdom as I’ve never been in a similar situation, but just wanted to let you know I feel for you as it must be such a burden and a worry!

AnotherDayAnotherIdea · 29/12/2024 21:50

I know this isn't the point of your thread but your comment about the elderly being left to dehydrate resonated with me as this happened in my family and I am not sure how the nhs is getting away with it. Elderly people going in with a minor issue and ending up being dehydrated out of life.

ParsonBrown · 29/12/2024 21:46

"I commented on her yet again overloaded desert."

Stop doing this immediately.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 29/12/2024 21:44

I get you have concerns about your mum’s health but you’re seriously naive if you think a) going on at her will help and b) that it’s that easy to overcome disordered eating. It really isn’t. She knows that.

GrumpyWombat · 29/12/2024 21:43

As someone who struggles with eating it is really hard. It’s not just as easy as stopping it or not buying it in. I’ve been known to drive late at night to the supermarket if I want to eat something 😢 I absolutely loathe myself afterwards as well. I don’t know what the answer is but I feel for both of you x

Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:43

Calling · 29/12/2024 21:42

You are certainly not being unreasonable to think that your mother's swollen legs and compulsive eating need medical assessment. Could you make a doctor's appointment for her?
I hope that you can get some respite.

Why should the OP do this, the mother sounds like she has capacity?