To be upset and angry about my mums weight

It's very hard OP but you have to protect yourself and perhaps disengage. You aren't going to change her, all you can change is your response. Sounds easy but if course it isn't. But just try to step away a bit. If she eats loads at a particular time make sure you aren't in the room with her. You and your mum have been through a really rough time so prioritise self care.

I think she's given up.

Well it isn't going to work for you with them both needing care- that will fall on you.

A social services assessment of your gran- without you involved in her care- would put more care in place but would also note your mum's issues and possibly get the ball rolling in helping her with some of those.

She may require water tablets/ blood pressure medication which could make a difference to her weight and swelling of her kegs and so her mobility.

If you are there to help with the care, that will be what happens- it will fall to you. You don't need to move 50 miles away but somewhere that you could call in twice a week rather than be on tap 24 hours for both of them.

You do not have to be a carer if you don’t want to op. Don’t be a martyr - your mum has choices about her life and health, and you have choices about whether you take on caring responsibilities. Just saying - it’s not inevitable unless you let it be.

Did your Nan have a care package on leaving hospital?
I’m afraid that you need to let social services know your situation and that you will not be able to continue this level of care for her.
Your Nan should be entitled to Attendance Allowance (it’s not means tested) which could go towards paid help. Also contact Age UK (Age Concern) for advice.

@worriedallthetime15 anyone can have a carer's assessment and they can suggest therapeutic interventions and support groups. It isn't about money.

I wish you well you poor love.

That is her choice to make - she may well be making it out of fear of facing the truth medically but it is her choice to make.

Could you move out and have your own place to live, far enough away so that you do nit face this pressure every day? It would also mean your mum and gran had to be assessed and there would be intervention.

Thanks for clarifying that does sound concerning and must be very difficult for you. All I can say is that you are not responsible and there’s not much you can do if she doesn’t want to help herself. I hope you find some respite.

Being morbidly obese will cause your legs and feet to be swollen and prone to cellulitis/ lymphoedema. It may not necessarily be a heart problem .
If she sees a doctor or even the practice nurse they will be able to assess to see if she can have compression stockings or wraps.

Encourage her to get her legs up when she is sitting or resting and encourage her to walk as it will help the leg swelling.

A couple of things @worriedallthetime15

Firstly contact the council for a carers assessment. They may be able to provide some support for you.

Secondly, are you under rheumatology and are you receiving optimal treatment for your pain/health condition? Be the squeaky wheel.

Thirdly, make time to do something for you every day. Something like pilates may be helpful for your core and to take pressure off your joints.

If your gran is living with you, does she get attendance allowance and if not, please apply - it can be used to help with chores. Your mother may also be eligible for it.

In relation to your mother's health, for as long as she has capacity, there is nothing you can do. If she ignores her health and continues eating, that is not your fault. You have agency over yourself, not yiur mother. If she keels over, then she will get medical care and advice. I suspect she has some MH issues too.

If your mother keels over, your grandmother is your responsibility insofar as you negotiate care packages with social services. You cannot and must not do it.

I'm assuming that as your mother is 64, my age, your gran is in her 80s. Your mum must be as stressed about losing her mum as you are about losing yours.

Is your dad on the scene?

I feel for you but you have to put yourself and your needs first to help the others. Please ignore your mum's accusations.

Do you have a job? Would you like one? Something to get you out of the house.

YANBU.

I’m so sorry, you are getting an undeserved hard time on here because it’s considered out of order to be concerned about someone’s weight but it’s very similar in my opinion to watching someone damage themselves through drinking or smoking. I guess it’s still not a particularly helpful thing to do to comment on that but I think people would be more sympathetic to you if your mum’s health was being affected to this extent by one of those things.

I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to offer support

Can you give some context about how overweight she is - what is her bmi? Eating ice cream and brownies every day over the holidays seems normal to me.

You are going to have to detach I think, it sounds very difficult. Do you have anyone else in RL to speak to?

This is common, in the Elderly parents section, maybe if you post in there in future it could be helpful as they are supportive and understanding of this situation.

Do you mean palliated patients? Dying people stop eating and drinking, it is part of the dying process. Nobody is dehydrated to death.