Page 6 | To be upset and angry about my mums weight

worriedallthetime15 · 2024-12-29T21:12:15+00:00

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007. Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands. My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP. When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone. Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while. Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert. What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway. She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

Jumell · 30/12/2024 09:29

YANBU OP especially after all the success she's had in the past with weight loss but I still wouldn't say anything to her - I'd leave her figure it out for herself

I'm firmly in the camp of people doing things only because they want to do them - not because someone else tells them to

Lanzarotelady · 30/12/2024 09:26

How old are you and why are you still living at home?

Dearg · 30/12/2024 09:21

I agree with @candlerhyme . If you are in your own place, does not need to be far away, your own symptoms may improve.

It’s not for your mum or nan to refuse you a carer’s assessment. What are they afraid of? That you will be told to do less?

Hopefully, you can get back to work soon, and out of this co-dependent cycle .Ideally, out of the house a few days a week if that’s possible. It sounds like some company away from home would be helpful.

Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 09:21

Lanzarotelady · 30/12/2024 09:19

Qualified nurse are you? Sats all over the place? Sleep due to dehydration - you're aware of their medical history and current presenting issue are you?

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I am, but that's a story for another day. If you'd have seen it, you would know, likewise the other poster clearly agrees and has seen the same thing too.

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Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 09:20

Lanzarotelady · 30/12/2024 09:17

Just bloody stop going on at your mum about her weight and her eating she knows how much she weighs and what she is doing and for what ever reason she doesn't care! So butt out!
How about starting to live on your own and stand on your own two feet? Rather than continuing this life where you are all enmeshed in each other!

She's literally asking me to help her all the time, she tells me I'll have to care for her when things happen. It's only me left, nobody else will look after her and she will refuse carers or a care home.
If she was independent I'd leave her to it, but it's on me too.

I do stand on my own two feet, I'm financially independent (she never has been and always relied on her mother) and have my own life, but it's not as if I can wash my hands of all this when she's telling me I need to step up.

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Lanzarotelady · 30/12/2024 09:19

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:29

No, they're not on palliative care or there yet but they are left to dehydrate regularly, their stats go all over the place, they sleep all day due to dehydration and they end up on the palliative pathway. I've seen it with my own eyes.

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Qualified nurse are you? Sats all over the place? Sleep due to dehydration - you're aware of their medical history and current presenting issue are you?

Paganpentacle · 30/12/2024 09:19

soupfiend · 29/12/2024 21:26

But you shouldnt be challenging her, its her business isnt it?

If OP is expected to deal with the consequences then it is her business.

Lanzarotelady · 30/12/2024 09:17

Just bloody stop going on at your mum about her weight and her eating she knows how much she weighs and what she is doing and for what ever reason she doesn't care! So butt out!
How about starting to live on your own and stand on your own two feet? Rather than continuing this life where you are all enmeshed in each other!

candlerhyme · 30/12/2024 09:09

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. I agree with the PP who said that the problem is you have 3 generations of enmeshed and codependent women.

Nothing will change unless you change it. I know it's hard but you really need to think about moving out. Break the cycle.

I understand you yourself need help from time to time, but you might be surprised that with less stress your physical problems improve.

You will then be free to have your own life, own friends, own hobbies. Your life will transform if you allow it.

I wish you all the best OP.

dothehokeycokey · 30/12/2024 09:01

@worriedallthetime15

Sorry to read your post.
I have a parent that is similar

Over the years I've really tried and even got them to slimming world where they lost 7 stone and it was amazing but it gradually went back in and more.

The issue with my parent is the other parent also lives with them but isn't obese but has absolutely no idea about portion control or nutrition

I've spent years trying to get them both to understand and it does affect me a fair bit as obese parents mobility is not great and they can't always feel their feet etc

I had to scream at them to get them to go to the drs and had to take them in the car as they had such bad infections and swelling in both feet and legs the gp wanted them to go to hospital for iv antibiotics but they wouldn't so had it at home but just dug their heels in constantly and the other parent just checks out when I'm there and leaves me to it which really pisses me off.

I've noticed the last couple of months that obese parent is getting really badly out of breath all the time and can't put their own shoes on now either and balance is even worse.

I actually yelled at not obese parent the other day and said I'm bloody sick of them not looking after themselves and how selfish they are to let it get to this stage
Apparently non obese parent is making a gp appointment for obese parent but wel see how that goes.
The minute the gp asks them to get on the scales or try's to discuss their weight they shut down and refuse any suggestions it's so frustrating.

I've mentioned injectables but obese parent still follows the mantra that they don't eat a lot however they are deluded.

They also drink daily and I'm pretty convinced they're diabetic although they try to convince me the last lot of tests said they were t however they were quite a long time ago now.

Even the foot lady that comes has told them they need to see the gp about not feeling their feet properly.

The scary thing is they still drive which petrifies me.
But what else can you do

My sibling is useless so it's literally all left to me

Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 08:57

madroid · 29/12/2024 23:58

Firstly I would try to resist ending the one remaining care visit and in fact reinstate the other visits during the day. Tell your gran and DM that you don't want to do it. You don't have to justify this by saying you are in pain, just not wanting to be a carer is enough. It IS your choice and decision, not theirs.

With your DM, if she was assessed and given medication to lower her blood pressure it's likely a lot of the swelling would come down. She then might have more energy to look after herself. She's probably frightened of being told off for being fat, but 5 million people are on bp meds in the UK. It's not an unusual situation. Also, it might not be related to her weight at all.

Also, I would build in at least one short walk a day that you invite your DM on. That will be a big help with the swelling and weight. Start with 10 mins and build up week by week to longer. It will be a break for you both and if she won't come will at least get you away from it for a regular time.

Lastly, I think finding things to compliment her on and trying to create a positive atmosphere might work better than showing your frustration with her eating. It sounds like she's understandably a bit depressed and sad and alleviating this as much as possible for all your sakes should help.

But start with taking the help that is offered for your gran. That doesn't need to be on you or your DM at least if you can reinstate the care visits.

I've had a discussion this morning with her about the care, she says they don't do anything and so wants to cancel them. I've told her to ask for them to help with maybe cleaning and she said they won't as there are too many of us for them to do it.
She also said she doesn't like them in the house.

I mentioned the carers assessment for her and she doesn't want to know.

I said I would like an assessment as I'm struggling and again she said she doesn't want them in the house.

I honestly don't know what to do.

The carers only help her to wash, which she can do on her own. The issues I have and what is maybe falling to me is when she needs a wee and stuff, I have to make sure she walks safely. But again, the carers come at random times, she'd usually already gone to the loo.

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Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 08:53

DaringlyPurple · 30/12/2024 00:01

She is killing herself. You cannot stop her because she loves food more than she cares about you. I understand how frustrating it must be because with mental illness you just have the feeling that its not like cancer and that if you could just get them to see sense the whole thing could fixed up in no time. I am afraid though that you can't reason people out of an eating disorder. It sounds like she already has quite bad physical symptoms. But you are absolutely not obliged to spend your life caring for her when she gorges and refuses to even see a doctor.

Harsh as it sounds, you're still young. If you can possibly move out I think you should do so. It is admirable that you help take care of your grandmother but you shouldn't waste your life on this. I would not want my children or, hopefully future grandchildren to miss out on a life and the possibilities of travel, a partner and possible family etc to care for me. It may be that your grandma needs more support than you can reasonably provide and you need to start seeing what other help she can get. You need to start prioritizing yourself because certainly nobody else is.

I don't think she'll see it that way, it'll be that I'm selfish and abandoning them when they need help.

It's hard to break from that mentality that if I don't do it I don't care.

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Icanttakethisanymore · 30/12/2024 08:52

My Dad neglected himself to death. I tried gentle encouragement and I tried tough love (and any other approach you could think of) but it didn’t work. Ultimately you can’t control other people’s behaviour.

Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 08:48

mathanxiety · 30/12/2024 00:14

Exactly this.

The parallels go further - the mother is in denial and the OP is catastrophising.

They're two extremes of the pendulum.

Neither response is healthy.

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I think I do that as she is so entrenched with denial. Also, I've seen her, she doesn't look healthy, she couldn't walk for the swelling and her brother died young of heart disease as he ate himself to the grave with diabetes. It's not some random thing I've picked up to worry about, it's a realistic view of what's happening.

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Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 08:46

mathanxiety · 30/12/2024 00:16

This statement right here is your problem, @worriedallthetime15

You don't have to take on that burden.

You can hang up on your mum if she calls you from some future care home to give you hell.

You are thoroughly enmeshed with your family and you need to bring those up with your therapist.

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I know people say that, but I'm really not the type to cut and run and dump someone in a care home and not care. I dunno, I know people do it, but I don't know if I could live with myself just leaving someone there.

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worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 08:45

RampantIvy · 30/12/2024 08:10

Which could well become the OP's business.
So she is right to be concerned.

Show quote history

Thank you, yeah, it's one thing if she was completely self sufficient (she isn't) or there were other people to step in, but it'll just be me caring for her and my nan. It'll be too much.

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Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 30/12/2024 08:44

Blakehouse · 30/12/2024 08:33

This sounds like three generations of women who are enmeshed and the dynamics are not healthy. Your mum is in the middle, with a daughter in her thirties still living at home and a mum who is in hospital. I would imagine food is her comfort with the stress in her life. OP only you can break this pattern. Time to spread your wings and leave home.

Yeah, that's not wrong tbh.

It goes back way before these generations as well, and my mum, she's always lived at home.

I have been working on the enmeshment, since 2019 and then C19 hit and the last few years until this health situation happened with my nan.

I just find it hard to cut free, especially at this time when I'm more needed.

OP posts:

Blakehouse · 30/12/2024 08:33

This sounds like three generations of women who are enmeshed and the dynamics are not healthy. Your mum is in the middle, with a daughter in her thirties still living at home and a mum who is in hospital. I would imagine food is her comfort with the stress in her life. OP only you can break this pattern. Time to spread your wings and leave home.

RampantIvy · 30/12/2024 08:10

soupfiend · 29/12/2024 21:26

But you shouldnt be challenging her, its her business isnt it?

Which could well become the OP's business.
So she is right to be concerned.

HardenYourHeart · 30/12/2024 08:05

GrumpyWombat · 29/12/2024 21:43

As someone who struggles with eating it is really hard. It’s not just as easy as stopping it or not buying it in. I’ve been known to drive late at night to the supermarket if I want to eat something 😢 I absolutely loathe myself afterwards as well. I don’t know what the answer is but I feel for both of you x

I think having compassion for yourself is more effective than loathing. So you drive to the supermarket at night from time to time. Even though it's not what you want, it's not the worst thing you can do.

I also struggle with food and especially with sugar. The cravings I have for the stuff are so strong. Had that problem ever since puberty. The only think that works is to gradually reduce it. So I started with cutting out the obvious like snacks, deserts and soda and then slowly looking at less obvious stuff that still contains a ton for sugar for no good reason. I still get get a snack from time to time. I do it deliberately, because I have become obsessive about it in the past and that's not sustainable either. It's a long process and I've fallen of the wagon a bunch of times. I am still trying to find the balance between enjoying life and loving my body by taking care off it, but also to enjoy the occasional treat from time to time.

It's a long process which requires a lot of patience and compassion, for yourself as well as others. Weight-loss is so gradual that no one notices it unless they haven't seen you for a while, but I think that is for the best.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2024 00:16

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 22:00

It's kind of my business when her health issues will fall to me to deal with.

Show quote history

This statement right here is your problem, @worriedallthetime15

You don't have to take on that burden.

You can hang up on your mum if she calls you from some future care home to give you hell.

You are thoroughly enmeshed with your family and you need to bring those up with your therapist.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2024 00:14

HardenYourHeart · 29/12/2024 21:53

There are some parallel's between your mother's behavior and yourself. Your mother harms herself with food and you harm yourself by taking on more responsibilities than you can handle. You also don't step back to look after yourself. You push through the pain and thereby cause yourself even more pain. Your mother is the same with food.

Care may be awful, but can you do better, especially if your neglect your own needs? If you don't take care of yourself there will be no one left to even visit either of them in the hospital. You only have a responsibility towards yourself, OP, in the same way that you mother has a responsibility towards herself. However, you can't make her take that responsibility. You can only take it for yourself.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

The parallels go further - the mother is in denial and the OP is catastrophising.

They're two extremes of the pendulum.

Neither response is healthy.

DaringlyPurple · 30/12/2024 00:01

She is killing herself. You cannot stop her because she loves food more than she cares about you. I understand how frustrating it must be because with mental illness you just have the feeling that its not like cancer and that if you could just get them to see sense the whole thing could fixed up in no time. I am afraid though that you can't reason people out of an eating disorder. It sounds like she already has quite bad physical symptoms. But you are absolutely not obliged to spend your life caring for her when she gorges and refuses to even see a doctor.

Harsh as it sounds, you're still young. If you can possibly move out I think you should do so. It is admirable that you help take care of your grandmother but you shouldn't waste your life on this. I would not want my children or, hopefully future grandchildren to miss out on a life and the possibilities of travel, a partner and possible family etc to care for me. It may be that your grandma needs more support than you can reasonably provide and you need to start seeing what other help she can get. You need to start prioritizing yourself because certainly nobody else is.

madroid · 29/12/2024 23:58

Firstly I would try to resist ending the one remaining care visit and in fact reinstate the other visits during the day. Tell your gran and DM that you don't want to do it. You don't have to justify this by saying you are in pain, just not wanting to be a carer is enough. It IS your choice and decision, not theirs.

With your DM, if she was assessed and given medication to lower her blood pressure it's likely a lot of the swelling would come down. She then might have more energy to look after herself. She's probably frightened of being told off for being fat, but 5 million people are on bp meds in the UK. It's not an unusual situation. Also, it might not be related to her weight at all.

Also, I would build in at least one short walk a day that you invite your DM on. That will be a big help with the swelling and weight. Start with 10 mins and build up week by week to longer. It will be a break for you both and if she won't come will at least get you away from it for a regular time.

Lastly, I think finding things to compliment her on and trying to create a positive atmosphere might work better than showing your frustration with her eating. It sounds like she's understandably a bit depressed and sad and alleviating this as much as possible for all your sakes should help.

But start with taking the help that is offered for your gran. That doesn't need to be on you or your DM at least if you can reinstate the care visits.

Original poster

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 23:42

Pussycat22 · 29/12/2024 23:34

I think she's given up.

Yeah, I agree, I think so too. The thing is, it's not just on her, like she gives up and then what? I have the care duties of my nan and if her quitting out doesn't kill her, the care responsibilities of her as well as the fact I'm disabled too?

I'm just struggling with all that means tbh.

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