To be upset and angry about my mums weight

Op your mum needs to help herself but you also need to help yourself and you’re not doing it. You need to move out and have a life of your own that isn’t so entrenched with your mum and nan. You need to be independent in your own house or flat. It’s ridiculous that your nan has stopped all the care visits she had when she knows you’re struggling- this is selfish behaviour. The whole set up is a massively unhealthy dynamic

Trying to say this gently OP but if you don't move out then nothing will ever change. Your mum won't stop over eating. Your nan won't accept carers because you are there and she has a choice because of that. Until you are willing to make the break no one can help you. No one can give you the combination of words that make them understand and change.

You need to fit your own oxygen mask first.

You can make friends or maybe meet someone. It doesn't have to be a lonely existence. Sometimes life is better without a toxic family anyway.

Make an appointment with your GP and see what they recommend. It all sounds very unhealthy at the moment, both psychologically and health wise. You won't be able to care for your mum if you go under. It sounds like a lot of emotional manipulation is going on. You would be better off somewhere else.
Do you get PIP , could you afford a cleaner? I think your long term plan needs to be to leave home.

You are in an awful situation OP. For starters, book a carer’s assessment without telling your mother. You may not even have to have it at home and it is something you could discuss. I would also contact Adult Social Services for yourself and see if they have anything they could offer to help. You cannot continue like this. Are you getting PIP for your disability? You can still get it if you work. You need a lot of support for yourself if you are going to continue to support your mother and grandmother. As for your mother not letting anyone in the house, you need to put your foot down and say you are not going to do the extra care or the cleaning and you have to have help. The cleaners and carers can wear masks in the house if they are so worried about covid or she could get an air purifier/open the windows or whatever but you need to stop doing everything. As long as you are things won’t change. It is not an uncommon cycle you are trapped in. My own mother was stubborn as anything and wouldn’t accept help but at least she did have a cleaner. She died prematurely and there was nothing I could have done to prevent that, though god knows I tried. However, I didn’t live with her so could escape some of the stress. You really need to prioritise your own health and not allow your mother dictate who you have in your own home as it is your home too. Best of luck to you and I hope you can get some help in place.

If you do the same thing you get the same results. Concern yourself with your own life. Only you can make the change. Go on Spare Room and look for a house share with women of your own age. View them, and go. You don’t need tell your mum til you’ve gone. Being a martyr is a choice.

Gently you are as co dependent as they are and until one of you breaks the cycle this is your reality. You are asking your mum not to be dramatic, shouting and thinking the worst but from all the suggestions you have had you do exactly the same. Dismiss every suggestion. Downplay every idea.

Of course you can move out and it won't be catastrophic or mean the end of support.
Of course your nan and mum will come round to carers if you don't buy into the histrionics and take over.

You have a choice. You are choosing the safe option you know. Non of your relationships are healthy.

None of that has to be true.

You can still have support, from carers, from new friends you can make, from your therapist and from your family IF they stop being abusive.

You CAN still have family if they stop being abusive. Why would you want it otherwise?

They need support with your Nan. That doesn’t have to be you fulltime. They need to get proper care in place. It doesn’t stop you still going round and doing things with/for them, on your own terms and again, only IF they stop abusing you.

So DON’T TELL THEM until it’s sorted. And then block and mute the abuse until it settles down.

You don’t have to live like this, you really don’t.

OP, you need to get out of this, it’s too toxic for words. Could you at least research what you would be entitled to if you moved out? Make an appointment at citizens advice maybe? Ask your therapist to help you become less emmeshed.

Maybe you could say to your mum that your own health conditions have been playing up recently, that you still have to work from home too (presumably mum doesn't) and that you need help with caring for your Nan because you are feeling like it's all too much for you at the moment.

That she should be able to look after Nan as she doesn't work and that if she can't do it all then the carers will have to do more.

Phone the council in private and tell them the situation. That your health condition means you can't do it all after the carers leave, and not to listen to your mum when she says "we will manage" because she means you and you can't.

I wouldn't focus on your mums weight any more as that's her problem not yours and age is aware of it now, but if she says she can't do things I would remind her that she will be able to once she loses weight. But in the meantime the carers will have to be involved until such time as your own health improves.

Then look fur a flat if your own. Find out what benefits you'd be entitled to if alone in a nearby flat. You are not losing your family just living and working nearby. You can't live there forever. You deserve to be happy and not tied down by others self inflicted health issues.

Sadly @worriedallthetime15 the only person you can save is yourself. You need to move out or when your DM inevitably needs care you'll be the one doing it, even though you're disabled. If your DM was kind or accepted medical help it could be different but she verbally abuses you if you even mention Drs. Find your own home Op and your own life

I am your DM in this situation.
My DD has left yesterday after a longish Xmas visit and I can see that she is worried about my weight. I would need to loose 3 stone to be a healthy BMI.
My DD had an honest talk with me yesterday about her fears over my weight and health, which Ive been thinking about all night.
If she would have commented on what I was eating as I ate it I know I would have been defensive and upset.

You can't control what your mother eats, but you are under no obligation to be her carer.

Overweight people know they are overweight. We know it is bad for us and that it could kill is and yet we are still overweight. We know to eat less and move more. We know all these things. Obesity is an illness. The fact we know all these things and yet still overweight eat shows you that it is actually a lot more complex than eat less and move more. You mum needs compassion not condemnation.

She can say it will be left to you, but you don't have to, do you, but you know you will because you are just repeating the cycle. She is independent enough to buy to food, prepare it and eat it!

You do need to move out OP, what actions have to taken to do that?