To be upset and angry about my mums weight

Maybe your mum won’t go to the doctor because she’s worried about being met with judgement rather than help? Like she’s already getting.

Honestly, you could be me fifteen years ago. My mum said very similar things to me. I could not begin to imagine moving out. It felt completely impossible and as if I would be abandoning her, even though her problems were largely of her own making both in terms of her lack of care for her health and her refusal to see the right doctors or do what they suggested she should do. My mum spent many years caring for my gran and I think that contributed to her sense of being entitled to my life given over to caring for her.

I'm a parent now and all I can tell you is that I would never, ever expect that level of care from my child and I would rather die alone in my own shit than steal my child's life.

Do you feel able to say any more about your own situation with regards disability, @worriedallthetime15 ? Are you physically capable of living independently, would you need supported living or an adapted property etc? You don’t have to say but just wondering how you can explore your options a bit.

Your DM doesn't want an assessment Op, not because of Covid, but because she's afraid they see how unwell she's becoming.
I know you wfh but I hope you go out for yourself sometimes, just for pleasure or does your DM object?

Your feelings are very understandable, but from your description she’s had a lifelong eating disorder and they are very hard to fix.

I would tell her there are new treatments - injectables like mounjaro - that really help many people get rid of the ‘food noise’ and cravings she’ll experience. And try to find a way of affording them.

I had this with my mum and also ended up caring for her when the lymphedema in her legs got so bad that she could no longer walk.

I think you might need to step back from the criticism and shaming, which will really not be helping, and work instead on firming up boundaries so that if your mum does end up requiring care you feel strong enough to say no. My mum ended up in a home that cared for her so much better than I ever could and I really regret now not having just put my foot down and set a limit to the level of care I was prepared to give.

Just to reiterate: the shaming isn't helping. I get that the compassion and support didn't help either. I remember that and I did often end up haranguing my mum about her unhealthiness. So I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I am telling you that shaming will not solve this. It will only tank your relationship. What you're really doing is venting your fear and frustration because you are taking it for granted that you'll have to pick up the pieces when her unhealthiness finally comes home to roost. You don't. Work on getting your head around that and find another way of dealing with that fear and frustration until you've released yourself from that future burden. Separate with love.

Make an appointment with your GP and see what they recommend. It all sounds very unhealthy at the moment, both psychologically and health wise. You won't be able to care for your mum if you go under. It sounds like a lot of emotional manipulation is going on. You would be better off somewhere else.
Do you get PIP , could you afford a cleaner? I think your long term plan needs to be to leave home.

Op your mum needs to help herself but you also need to help yourself and you’re not doing it. You need to move out and have a life of your own that isn’t so entrenched with your mum and nan. You need to be independent in your own house or flat. It’s ridiculous that your nan has stopped all the care visits she had when she knows you’re struggling- this is selfish behaviour. The whole set up is a massively unhealthy dynamic

I mean this gently I promise, but none of you seem willing to take hard actions to help yourselves. There’s a lot of learned helplessness and self enforced despair, it seems to me.

Your Nan won’t accept proper care in order to look after herself.
Your Mum won’t stop eating in order to look after herself.
You won’t entertain separation in order to look after yourself.

Does that ring true at all?

"It's not intentional, I suppose I'm at my wits end and exhausted and in pain and see that she's heading for the hospital and continuing with kid gloves is doing nothing at all. She just strops anytime anything is ever mentioned or starts a huge argument until everyone is scared to mention it."
There obviously is some sort of eating problem at work here - but it is your mother's problem, not yours. If she doesn't deal with it, you can't either. You probably need to pick your moment and tell her (kindly) that you won't be able to care for her, so she needs to think about care as she grows older. She won't want to hear this, but it might trigger another attempt at losing weight.

Trying to say this gently OP but if you don't move out then nothing will ever change. Your mum won't stop over eating. Your nan won't accept carers because you are there and she has a choice because of that. Until you are willing to make the break no one can help you. No one can give you the combination of words that make them understand and change.

You need to fit your own oxygen mask first.

You can make friends or maybe meet someone. It doesn't have to be a lonely existence. Sometimes life is better without a toxic family anyway.

Op your mum needs to help herself but you also need to help yourself and you’re not doing it. You need to move out and have a life of your own that isn’t so entrenched with your mum and nan. You need to be independent in your own house or flat. It’s ridiculous that your nan has stopped all the care visits she had when she knows you’re struggling- this is selfish behaviour. The whole set up is a massively unhealthy dynamic