To be upset and angry about my mums weight

In the meantime when you are at home have a look at this for some tips to deal with them

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

and how it can feel etc

https://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like/

Oh, that old chestnut. I know it's terrifying to hear, but my mum said that kind of thing quite often and she died at 78 which given her myriad health problems was pretty good going

OP, tell your mother (in a calm and unemotional voice) that she is perfectly free to choose not to have people in the house. And then tell her that if that's the choice she wants to make she will have to deal with the consequences of that choice.

How sad that your own Mother is emotionally blackmailing you.
💐

I agree.
If you can manage to do it try to say in an unemotional way- yes if you carry on as you're going you will make yourself so ill that you will die.
And then stop engaging.

Well say, oh well if you die, you won't have to worry about Covid!
Play at her own game.

Sometimes you have to very slowly save your own life.

I am a full-time (24/7) carer with no help also. The only time I get to go outdoors is to put out the bin and bring it back.
If someone told me I might one day have double this workload, I would feel just as you are now.

I think you will very slowly have to start thinking of ways to save your own life. You won't be able to manage the care of your mum. If you are disabled you won't be able to lift her and carry her. She is making her own choices. You are trying to get her to change the fate she is creating for herself. But she doesn't want to and nothing you say will make her want it.
You can't persuade an addict to stop by telling them how much pain they are causing or will cause. Only when they hit rock bottom will they think about changing.
A lot of people in mid to later life lose the weight after a health scare. It might take that for her. Or she may not be able to beat it and will face what happens.

But your life is as important as your mum's and your nan's.
The thing you are worried about isn't happening now and if/ when it happens it is hard to predict what it will look like. So don't spend the easier days pre-living the bad ones. If it happens it may be the turning point your mother needs.

See what tiny things you can do each day to build up your own happiness and strength. You deserve any happy moments you can find. You can't change your whole life all at once, but little things actually go a huge way to feeling like the day was ok or even fun.
What do you love, or what did you used to love when you had more time?
Craft or art or anime or pen pals or journalling or chatting online in a fan group, anything at all that can help you regain your own sense of self.
It's easier as a carer to resist doing the little things because they don't change the big terrible picture. But they do change it really. The 5 minutes of niceness makes me able to do the 24 hours. There's a lot to be said for escapism!

I don't want to sound patronising, but just say you are not alone. And you are not responsible for an addict's choices, just for your own.
I hope you find something lovely to do today that puts a spring in your step and that all the messages of care help you feel able to put down the burdens and feel more free.

There is a reason support groups for the families of addicts use things like the 3 c message

“I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it”

You are not responsible for your nan’s deteriorating health nor the fact she is refusing carers

You are not responsible for your mother’s food and health choices, nothing you do or say will control or fix what she is doing, only she can do that.

The only thing you have the power to control and change is your role in the situation. Whatever choices you make your mum and your nan will probably be unhappy because they are trying to assert control when their lives feel unstable.

If you stay and help you will be yelled at and burn out whilst trashing your own health.
If you step back, you will be yelled at but you may avoid burn out and losing your health.

Your Mum and your Nan are centring their own needs and wants (perhaps because they are frightened). You need to follow their example and put yourself first.

Who buys her all this sugary stuff?

I can’t believe that she buys it herself if morbidly obese?

I bet she doesn’t even enjoy it- it’s binge eating : 2 litres of ice cream?
That’s over four pints.

It’s shocking, and she can’t feel nice afterwards.

@worriedallthetime15 please listen to @DeliciousApples !

Did it cross your mind that perhaps your mum is deliberately trying to make herself ill so you'll have to stay and look after her ........ and you'll never have a life or a husband or anything?

That's not love. It's selfish manipulation. Your mum won't realise that though because she's never had to think about it. I'm sure she means well and loves you but she's needing stood up to. And that's the hard part.

With regard to carers allowance you said someone gets, that should be used as a way to pay for cleaners. Who will be told to wear masks and fresh gloves on arrival to prevent spreading diseases. That then frees you up.

You just need to learn to say no to their requests. If your mum says she can't do something as she's in pain and you say so am I. Then what happens? Why does her level of pain trump yours? Ask her!

You also work all day. Why don't they take that into account while they are sitting all day doing nothing?

You really do need to move out.

Your dm is being abusive and definitely manipulated you to keep you there. I wish freedom for you.

It can leave you in fear of what they might do next. It's a horrible feeling, abusive really.

I have only really found peace from going NC a few years ago and keeping everything secret. I moved away after university and have not been back.

Maybe you can plan an escape route.

I really feel for you OP, your mental/physical health is also being massively impacted. I fear it may take a unavoidable health crisis for this situation (as in she is hospitalised without having the choice) When you live with someone who will not confront an addiction, it is just like a speeding car that you have zero control over and you're just waiting for the crash. Being enmeshed is horrible, do you have some other support available? Apologies if I have missed I your previous posts but are you in a situation where you could leave (as side from the emotional wrench of leaving) financially could you move out?

I'm sorry some posters are being unkind Op. You can't do everything at once, start small and see what you can do. Start with benefits, would you get help with rent, pip, anything that would help. Once you know your budget then start looking at possible accommodation.
If you're getting overwhealmed see your GP, they might be able to help. And keep it all to yourself until you'te sure what you want to do next

I completely get this but if you are disabled and your mother is morbidly obese then has a heart attack or stroke there is no way you can physically provide the care she needs. Even if you 'just' end up liaising with her care providers, doing her life admin and making social calls to her it will be overwhelming, especially if your grandmother is still around. You are already burnt out. I would ask for a Carers Assessment for yourself from Social Services and reach our to the carer charities in your area.

Something like this might be able to advise you on some options OP, even if they’re not right for you themselves: https://www.achievetogether.co.uk/our-services/supported-living/

If you can stand back a bit can you see that this behaviour is how they keep you 'in line' kind of like manipulation?

I come from a similar background. I escaped to university as a teen, but my mum would threaten to 'ring them up and tell them what I am like" so I couldn't go, and when I did go would ring them pretending things like someone was 'out to get me' for example.

I have all my life had to e.g. hide workplaces and info from here, if you look at the Out of the FOG site there are many people NC (no contact) with such people / family - FOG is 'fear, obligation and guilt' which is how you can feel with these 'families'

maybe if you can start to stand back and look at things like this it might help you a bit. Small steps.

As an aside, does anyone know what the OP's position might be if they declared themselves homeless / being abused? To e.g. the council, or could they go to some kind of shelter for those in abusive relationships e.g women's aid?

there is also a charity called Stand alone I think https://www.standalone.org.uk

I’m wondering if there are any charities in your area that might support you to find a room in a shared house with other people with disabilities. Or, for that matter, those fleeing domestic abuse, which I think is probably not a million miles away from your situation tbh. Worth a google at some point?