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Original poster

To be upset and angry about my mums weight

237 replies

worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:12

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

OP posts:
WinterCrow · 29/12/2024 21:23

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/12/2024 21:21

First two posts nailed it.

The injectables cost c 200 a month and require online consultations, don't they? Doesn't sound like ma is motivated enough.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:23

soupfiend · 29/12/2024 21:21

Has she got anything that has suddenly started huge cravings for sugar. My mum is like this but shes incredibly old, has deteroriated a lot mentally, I suspect perhaps early dementia which I thought made people crave sugar. My mum is also on MH meds which make you crave sugary foods

No, she's just always eaten a lot of sugar, this is one example, but she overeats with everything and chocolate has always been a big one. She's always hid chocolate or biscuits and stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:22

TheWildZebra · 29/12/2024 21:18

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel the way you’re feeling, but I do think it’s a little unreasonable to share how you feel with your mum in the way you did. It sounds like over eating and dieting might be a stress/trauma response for your mum? Maybe it would help to express empathy with how she responds to stress, and work out how you can support her with that, rather than tackling the eating head on.

for context, my mother also has problems with her weight, except that she undereats and doesn’t get enough nutrition. She’s also primary carer for dad and I think for her it’s also a stress response and I notice that when the pressure is off her her appetite returns and she eats more balanced healthier meals. We noticed it’s impossible to just tell her to eat better,, we have to actually change the environment around her.

big hugs, I know how stressful it is, especially when burden of additional care might be on your shoulders

I have tried, over and over and over again. If it's ever brought up in a kind or gentle way she kicks off and makes it so it cannot be mentioned and if it is we're 'killing her' by making her blood pressure go up or 'ruining everything'. It's impossible to ever bring it up, that's why it's come to a head, it's been forever mentioning it kindly over and over again. She refuses help of any kind.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 29/12/2024 21:21

First two posts nailed it.

soupfiend · 29/12/2024 21:21

Has she got anything that has suddenly started huge cravings for sugar. My mum is like this but shes incredibly old, has deteroriated a lot mentally, I suspect perhaps early dementia which I thought made people crave sugar. My mum is also on MH meds which make you crave sugary foods

WinterCrow · 29/12/2024 21:20

I think you've got carer's burn-out and overwhelm, OP - and it's good you've recognised this before it's too late.

Have you ever sought out support for yourself? Do you currently have any?

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:20

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2024 21:16

if you DM has had issues with eating throughout her life, having you whinge on about it will probably exacerbate the situation rather than meeting YOUR desired intention.

It's not intentional, I suppose I'm at my wits end and exhausted and in pain and see that she's heading for the hospital and continuing with kid gloves is doing nothing at all. She just strops anytime anything is ever mentioned or starts a huge argument until everyone is scared to mention it.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 29/12/2024 21:19

OP you need to look after yourself. I would try to step back, they should get some support eg. from social services.

TheWildZebra · 29/12/2024 21:18

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel the way you’re feeling, but I do think it’s a little unreasonable to share how you feel with your mum in the way you did. It sounds like over eating and dieting might be a stress/trauma response for your mum? Maybe it would help to express empathy with how she responds to stress, and work out how you can support her with that, rather than tackling the eating head on.

for context, my mother also has problems with her weight, except that she undereats and doesn’t get enough nutrition. She’s also primary carer for dad and I think for her it’s also a stress response and I notice that when the pressure is off her her appetite returns and she eats more balanced healthier meals. We noticed it’s impossible to just tell her to eat better,, we have to actually change the environment around her.

big hugs, I know how stressful it is, especially when burden of additional care might be on your shoulders

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2024 21:16

if you DM has had issues with eating throughout her life, having you whinge on about it will probably exacerbate the situation rather than meeting YOUR desired intention.

Original poster
worriedallthetime15 · 29/12/2024 21:15

ToBeOrNotToBee · 29/12/2024 21:14

Your mum needs compassion not derision.
She clearly has an eating disorder. Instead of being angry, help her seek therapy and maybe have a conversation about injectables to control the urge to binge.

I have tried compassion, I have tried to help her to therapy and counselling. I supported her through her weight loss journey when she shed weight.

She won't seek help, she won't go to the dr, she hasn't been in over 10 years.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 29/12/2024 21:14

Your mum needs compassion not derision.
She clearly has an eating disorder. Instead of being angry, help her seek therapy and maybe have a conversation about injectables to control the urge to binge.