To be upset and angry about my mums weight

its not. It is misuse of a clinical tool.

You are in a very difficult situation OP.
I think commenting on your mother's eating and weight is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. It will get you nowhere. Her eating is a form of addiction.
Work on detaching. Her body is her body, not yours. Try not to judge or control.
You do not, however have to tolerate her manipulation and insistence that you care for her. You have no control over what she does, but you do have control over your own responses and actions.
It used to be the case that Carers could request an assessment of their own needs from Social Services. I would check if this is still the case and ask for a Carer's Assessment if so.
Also look up co-dependents anonymous. It's similar to Al Anon for families of alcoholics and it could give you support in focusing on building your own life. Your Mum isn't going to like it, but things need to change. Some of the things she is saying to you are abusive.
It's a long term project but I would work towards independent living. Check you are getting all the benefits etc that you are entitled to and see what support you can get in your own right.
Do not discuss this with your mother at this stage, just quietly work on planning a future for yourself.
IT may feel unkind to think about detaching but the current situation isn't helping her and it's completely taking over your life.

I think you need to take your Mums weight out of the mix at the moment, she will come to her own decision about that when she is ready too, its her coping mechanism. Your "help" in this direction will probably have the opposite effect. When she has reason to be more positive about life, it will all fall in line.

Concentrate on the things you can manage now, but also look to build your own emotional well being by finding friends and support outside your family setting. I'm a carer too and sometimes you get lost in that role and you forget you!

Can we flip this a minute. Your Mum is single, Granny is ill and her 30 something daughter is ill and still lives with her? She also has a lot on her plate and she isn't coping. It seems she is in a place where she can't absorb anyone elses pain or issues as she is all maxed out and that is maybe why she is ignoring your pain. I don't mean this disrespectfully, I can see you are in a difficult place but it seems to me you are both in a similar spot but with different representations of the issues you are facing.

In the past she has successfully addressed it but it sounds to me like her food is her self medication for her mental health struggles and you constantly going on about it (no matter how well intended) will probably have the opposite effect.

You could move out and just visit when it suits you? But you say you would be isolated and lonely and wouldn't you be leaving your Mum to look after granny by herself when she isn't well?

It seems to me that you and your mum are pulling against each other, instead of working together.

You want your mother to face up to what she’s doing to herself, and to take control of her weight issues, but you also would be wise to look at what you’re doing to yourself, face your fear of their judgement, and take control of your own life.

You have been taught to fear their negative reactions, but at what cost? What are you doing to yourself allowing yourself to be burdened as you have done? It’s not making you happy, is it?

Start caring about yourself.

@worriedallthetime15 that's understandable. You've been fed this narrative. It's ingrained. But very unhealthy. No one can change others if they don't want help. You deserve happiness and peace ♥️

OP your biggest barrier to change is the narrative running in your head. Change your thinking, change your life.

My mother railed against going in a care home. She is now in one and loves it. She has company, she's getting proper nutrition and taking the right medicines. She's healthier than she's been in years. Care homes are not 'dumping grounds' and whoever told you that is wrong. They're the right thing at the right time for many of us.

You keep telling yourself you can't live separately from your DM and DGM because then who will look after you when you need help? Can you see how limiting this belief is?

You might find it impossible to imagine now but if you did break away your whole world would change. You would be free to make friends, meet someone special. All you're doing at the moment is perpetuating the cycle, which is completely understandable when you've been psychologically abused for so long.

You write well, you're self aware - you have so much to offer. You just need to take small steps and you will get there.

My husband has been helped with Humira, one of the biologics, maybe that would be helpful for you

I don't get why people are having a go at OP and telling her to mind her own business...it's very much her business if she'll be expected to take on her mother's care as well as her grandmother's! I don't blame you for feeling so frustrated with her. And you mentioned you are in pain from your arthritis, which given your young age I am assuming is an inflammatory arthritis. Stress can definitely make your joints active! You need to look after yourself too! It could be your treatment needs reviewing.

OP can I strongly encourage you to go over and start posting on the Stately Homes thread? It's a very long running support thread for people like you in toxic, abusive, enmeshed family relationships. Some people are no contact, some low contacts and others on on that journey to working out to cope and deal with these relationships. Very supportive and non judgemental.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=13&reply=140903954

Also, re your therapist have you been very open and honest about all of this and are they helping you to find a way out? If not I suggest you try finding a new therapist who has more experience with enmeshed, generational abuse like yours.

Can you find some more help with managing your pain? That must be a huge barrier to you being able to take any positive action in moving out and on with your own life.

You asked "how do I move out". You make a plan. Start by prioritising finding the outside support you need to be strong enough both physically & mentally. Write down all the things you will need to do in small chunks or in categories. Start with small tasks. Decide what comes first. Who do you need to contact? Set goals to make those phonecalls or emails. Slowly, you can sort out finances/housing (renting or buying?) important belongings, practicalities of moving 'stuff' , (and what to leave behind of it all gets too nasty), getting utilities set up etc. It will feel overwhelming but you can do this all in secret without your mum or nan knowing. I know someone who left an abusive husband one kitchen item and duvet at a time, all her paperwork and belongings smuggled out over the months to work or friends to store. The day she left she took just a suitcase and got a taxi to her new flat. A plan will empower you and help you see light at the end of the tunnel.

Also you referred in a very early post to coming from a culture/family that "don't dump family in care homes". You really need to change that thought process. Firstly, it' quite offensive for those of us for whom care homes were the right option for elderly sick relatives. My siblings and I were not prepared to sacrifice ourselves for her and you don't have to for your mum or ourselves either - we wouldn't have had her live with us even if she'd been the best mother ever (and she wasn't) . None of us feel guilty about that . My mum thrived in her care home getting proper nutrition, hydration and medical care and I know lived a longer & happier life at the end than when she was on her own flat. I know you say gran and mum won't go into one, but that's what my mother said until the time came she couldn't live independently any more (even with carers, which she also rejected at first) and also it was a bit different as she had dementia by then she still knew what was going on and (reluctantly) accepted it. Your Gran & mum are using this threat of "dying at home alone" to manipulate you into staying. With you not there they will have to face up to carers/care home.

I really hope this thread has help a bit today and that you move over to Stately Homes to get some ongoing advice and support from people who rally know what you are going through.

It would also make them manage without you, could be a good way of having that happen perhaps.

I know someone who does something called Homestay I think it is I will try and find it for you

https://www.homestay.com

also https://www.trustedhousesitters.com

OP, my mum sounds like your mum but ten years down the line. Her health is so bad now that she hasn't left the house in over a year and can only do so by ambulance. She's grossly overweight (size 32), her legs are constantly getting infected and she can't walk far at all.

The refusing to take responsibility thing is the killer for me. It's never her fault and she just ignores advice from professionals and family. Everybody has put so much energy in to helping her and it's all just been a waste of time. She's resigned to sitting in her chair and letting everybody do things for her.

I've had to take a step back from it all as it's just too much (I still deal with her finances and day to day organisation of her life but I'm not longer actively trying to help with improving her health or situation as it is met with denial or refusal).

Don't feel bad if you have to put yourself first. It doesn't sound like she is at all empathetic with your situation x

Just wanted to say how unbelievably hard your life is. As the previous poster said, the 3 cs. When I was trying to leave my abusive alcoholic husband, he said while drunk, that he would rather I died than anyone else know how awful he’d made our lives.
I left with the children, two suitcases and a month’s rent saved up.
They might throw the most awful tantrum should you get a little council flat, but they’ll probably get over it and you can still help out but go back to peace and quiet afterwards. One step at a time, contact the helplines first and see what you need next. That whole Covid fear is just a way to control you, it’s not real. 🌻🌻🌻

I know this is not the point of your thread, but just to clarify.
I have been a home carer for 29 years and, yes, we absolutely do clean!

I'm sorry for your situation. Mine is different, but similar in that I had a toxic and manipulative mother.
It took me until I was in my 40s, but I am finally non-contact with her.
It's definitely not an easy process. It takes time to disentangle, and reach the stage where you know there's no going back. And yes, it's sad.

But, I'm 4 years in now and, ultimately, I'm at peace with my decision, and I have my sanity and emotional strength back.
I also have no other family (whom I am in contact with).

I wish you well.

Just another thought, there could be live in jobs / house sitting if you look online which might give you a break for a few weeks (health permitting of course) maybe something like looking `after a small animal - or some councils have a 'crisis house' for people to go to with health problems (usually mental health but probably you have depression from it or cPTSD anyway) might be worth a look.