Siblings and Mum excluded me from Christmas

You clearly have an issue in the relationship with your bro and judging how your sister and mum colluded the issue could be something in how you behave that he won’t tolerate / put up with

Better luck next year.
Did you offer to drive up after breakfast on Christmas Day bringing a picnic to share for afternoon tea?

Did you outright ask whether you, too, could join in for their lunch, as soon as you found out what was booked?

Probably a practical problem of logistics. So many people around the table.

You need to call (not message) your brother and not let it drop.

Yes, I wasn't sure how that was relevant to the issue to be honest, and also if you all live so far from each other, how is she supposed to choose who to move nearer to?

You lost me when you declared your mum “stubbornly” refuses to move. How dare you? are you suggesting she should move closer to one of you (given you’re all strewn around) even if she doesn’t want to? Doesn’t sound like she’s reliant on any of you.

To be fair, if you all have kids, 3 families and the grandmother sounds like far more people than I would be willing / able to host for more than a meal. Yes you could sleep in the van, but presumably you'd still need to all fit round a table, fit enough food in oven for multiple meals, use the same bathroom etc. Unless his house is huge or he's a very laid back host , that sounds like a nightmare to me!

However, on that basis he should have invited both sisters or neither and just had your mum if he didn't want to host everyone. We take it in turns with our siblings to host parents because a huge Christmas day with everyone doesn't suit us, and then see siblings at different times.

You say you'd all agreed about meeting somewhere, but you also say he hadn't replied so you hadn't all agreed. He obviously didn't want to do that plan for some reason (sounds potentially expensive and a lot of people, so could be understandable), but he's been very wrong with not being upfront about that when you suggested it, and with going behind your back to undermine those plans. I can understand you bring very hurt about that.

Out of interest though, how long before Christmas was it that you still hadn't arranged the house and your mum was asking. Because I'd imagine you'd need a lot of notice to book something with space for that many people, and it doesn't sound like the idea has got very far, so perhaps they though it just wasn't happening.

I think it's your brother you need to talk to.

Was including you making it complicated? You may feel as though you are very accommodating, given your work restrictions, but the easiest answer was one that didn’t include involving you.

My sister makes arrangements hard, then feels snubbed when we don’t manage to meet up. She won’t prioritise the key moments- sharing the Christmas transport, for example, says things like ‘I’m free Wednesday,’ then gets irritated if Wednesday doesn’t work out. It’s as much as I can manage to wrangle mum, let alone someone else adding complications.

Actually I’m going to prioritise sis this year for a weekend away or something. Where we won’t get hijacked by mum.

Nah, unless his partner/wife arranged this without discussion he’s the villain of the piece to me. It could be as simple as poor communication but it’s quite an oversight when one party is trying visibly to sort something. If his Partner or wife or whatever arranged it I’d still expect the heads up, it takes 30 seconds to send a quick WhatsApp message and/or explain limited capacity or whatever so at least you can plan what you’re doing. Something weird about it to me.

Have you asked your brother why he didn’t invite you? Not via messages, but actually asked him???
Just leave them to it next year and they can sort your mum.

Quietly walk away from them. That’s my advice.

she weakly called it a misunderstanding

gaslighting POS

have a lovely New Year and sod them

I’m assuming this is fuelled by your brother, the radio silence in private is odd. Especially as he was acting like he’s fine with you when others are in earshot.

You need to call your brother @Pinkyblue123. Your mum and sister obviously know why you weren’t invited and they’re not telling you. Probably trying to stay out of it (whatever it is).

I wouldn't have picked up the phone when they called. Something has gone on and they are all in on it, that's terrible op

you're a better person than i am. I'd have hung up or ignored the call.

Just call your brother and say you can't stop wondering what you did to not have been invited.
It's what you want to know so just phone and ask for an answer and say you need it to be able to move on. Don't message in a group as it seems to easy for him to ignore

Did you tell him to go and take a hike? Or just didn't ask anything at all?

I agree with pp, didn’t you exclude them all first?

when you found out, why not ask to join them? Or go up and meet them

i also can’t see how you wouldn’t need to impose if you camped on their drive?

I live 7 hour drive away in England, my sister lives in Ireland (7 hour drive) and my brother is a 3 hour drive from Mum.
These are the distances to your mums right? What distance are you and your sister each to your brother?

They’ve been upfront about going, still hurtful but at least they’re talking to the OP. Whereas the brother is blanking her and hosted a family Christmas without her. He needs to explain what’s going on.

Well now you know OP. Either your brother or his wife have a problem with you and he'll carry on treating you like this because he expects you to just let it go.

I personally wouldn't. You've been told by your mother and your siblings where you stand. I'd leave the family group and just have contact with the other 2 but I probably wouldn't make an effort until what they've done has been acknowledged.