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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

215 replies

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 19:36

We’re both 40 have been together 15 years. Already have a DD 14. It’s a firm no from me. AIBU

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 20:32

Moonwalkies · 29/12/2024 20:31

Well yes he might, doesn't mean OP should have a baby they don't want!

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Never said it did 🤷‍♀️

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2024 20:31

Porcuporpoise · 29/12/2024 20:27

If the sexes were reversed then everyone would agree with him. Fwiw I think you owe him a conversation even if the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

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No, the agreement always goes with the person who says no. They get the deciding vote. And at 40, no one would be urging op to look elsewhere if she wants another either.

It's worth pointing out too, that sperm from older men is just as likely to cause issues with the babies genetics as eggs are. Even if he left and met someone new and they were at the point they could have kids 5 years from now, it would be a much bigger risk than if he'd done it at 30.

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:31

@Annabella92 how did I lead him on? We talked about this on our first date. At that time he said he wanted two before 40. I said I wasn’t fussed about having kids. We had 1. And have been clear it’s one and done it hasn’t even been a consideration or a question in last 14 years.

OP posts:
Moonwalkies · 29/12/2024 20:31

Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 19:41

he May well leave you to find someone to have a baby with🤷‍♀️

Well yes he might, doesn't mean OP should have a baby they don't want!

Wellthisisnewandunwelcome · 29/12/2024 20:30

Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 19:41

he May well leave you to find someone to have a baby with🤷‍♀️

So the OP should have a child against her will to prevent that happening? That sounds like a tip top plan 🤷.

brummumma · 29/12/2024 20:29

At this point with such an age gap even I wouldn't bother and I don't particularly agree with being "one and done". I can see why he's a bit upset though - he said what he wanted, you said what you wanted and you ultimately have made the decision for both of you

Annabella92 · 29/12/2024 20:29

It sounds like you led him on up until this point saying it was a possibility and he was upfront about what he wanted. To now insist that it's not even worth having a conversation about is unfair imo.

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:29

@LadyTable ofcourse not. I don’t think it’s unreasonable. He and some of our friends on our chat group think it is. Some of our mates have announced they’re expecting this month.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 29/12/2024 20:28

Porcuporpoise · 29/12/2024 20:27

If the sexes were reversed then everyone would agree with him. Fwiw I think you owe him a conversation even if the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

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No they wouldn’t.

Porcuporpoise · 29/12/2024 20:27

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:20

@RupertCampbellBlacksEgo he thinks I’m being unreasonable for not even discussing it.

If the sexes were reversed then everyone would agree with him. Fwiw I think you owe him a conversation even if the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/12/2024 20:26

he should have discussed this 12, 11, 10 etc years ago.

Porkyporkchop · 29/12/2024 20:25

He has had 14 years to discuss this. He is being ridiculous wanting a last throw of the dice now. It will turn all your lives upside down.

LadyTable · 29/12/2024 20:24

AlertCat · 29/12/2024 20:23

There is a thread somewhere where the roles are reversed (and it would be going from 2 to 3)… maybe useful if you are looking for arguments to support your way of thinking?

(I agree with you btw, once mine got past the dependent stage I knew I wouldn’t want to go back to the beginning, no matter how much I loved it at the time).

She doesn't need to support her argument.

It's her body and her choice.

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:24

@FloofyPaws I have no idea. No he wouldn’t be a SAHD, to be fair he’s always more than pulled his weight, and not put his career above my own. He supported me in prioritising mine first time round.

OP posts:
GreyAreas · 29/12/2024 20:24

Yadnbu but cut him some slack, he's having a mini mid life crisis thinking what could have been. Give it a few weeks and hopefully he will have got through it. Too many risks especially upsetting your family balance at this late stage.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/12/2024 20:23

The ship would have firmly sailed for me, I don’t want to go back and my youngest is 4, can’t imagine a 14/15 yr age gap.

AlertCat · 29/12/2024 20:23

There is a thread somewhere where the roles are reversed (and it would be going from 2 to 3)… maybe useful if you are looking for arguments to support your way of thinking?

(I agree with you btw, once mine got past the dependent stage I knew I wouldn’t want to go back to the beginning, no matter how much I loved it at the time).

arcticpandas · 29/12/2024 20:23

It's your body so ofcourse you're not being unreasonable.

LadyTable · 29/12/2024 20:23

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:20

@RupertCampbellBlacksEgo he thinks I’m being unreasonable for not even discussing it.

Yes but he hasn't started the thread, you have.

Please tell me there isn't a single part of you that seriously thinks you're being unreasonable to say you don't want a baby, when you don't want a baby?

Snowmanscarf · 29/12/2024 20:23

Then discuss it, and still say ‘no’. What has made him suddenly say this? Most people want a second baby within five years of the first, not when they’re in their forties with a teen.

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:20

@RupertCampbellBlacksEgo he thinks I’m being unreasonable for not even discussing it.

OP posts:
LadyTable · 29/12/2024 20:20

How could you possibly be unreasonable for not wanting a baby and saying so?

Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 20:19

Soxersandbocks · 29/12/2024 20:17

Well aren't you a cheery soul 🙄

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Just saying

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:19

@Tohaveandtohold on our first date he said he’d like 2 before he’s 40. I said I wasn’t really fussed either way on having kids at all, as in if it happened it happened, and if I were to we’d only have 1. We had 1. And hasn’t been brought up again until over Xmas.

OP posts:
Soxersandbocks · 29/12/2024 20:17

Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 19:41

he May well leave you to find someone to have a baby with🤷‍♀️

Well aren't you a cheery soul 🙄