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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

215 replies

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 19:36

We’re both 40 have been together 15 years. Already have a DD 14. It’s a firm no from me. AIBU

OP posts:
KatyaKabanova · 29/12/2024 21:21

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:19

@Tohaveandtohold on our first date he said he’d like 2 before he’s 40. I said I wasn’t really fussed either way on having kids at all, as in if it happened it happened, and if I were to we’d only have 1. We had 1. And hasn’t been brought up again until over Xmas.

On your first date?! Ok...

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 21:21

@IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 seems so.

OP posts:
MrsMontyD · 29/12/2024 21:18

@IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 Oh, absolutely, I'm just pointing out it's never not a possibility.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 29/12/2024 21:18

Led him on? For 14 years?! Did he not notice his wife nearly dying when their DD was born? Is this what happens when you post between Christmas and New year you get all batshit comments on your thread?!

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 21:18

@MrsMontyD I appreciate it happens to a lot of people out of the blue. But I very much doubt it from my perspective. It is something I see often on mumsnet is jump to he’ll leave you or you leave him.

OP posts:
Incenseda · 29/12/2024 21:17

Not a chance.
Is he on glue?
After 15 years, absolute madness.
Not least because of your health concerns.

TypingoftheDead · 29/12/2024 21:17

Annabella92 · 29/12/2024 20:29

It sounds like you led him on up until this point saying it was a possibility and he was upfront about what he wanted. To now insist that it's not even worth having a conversation about is unfair imo.

OP was also upfront about not wanting another after having their DD. It’s unfair of her DH to ask now, especially since OP nearly died in childbirth having their existing DD.
Would you be willing to ask a loved one to risk their life to get something perhaps only you wanted?
I think you are getting mixed up with the fact she originally said she might have one child, but that would be the limit.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 29/12/2024 21:16

MrsMontyD · 29/12/2024 21:15

Many of us had no concerns about our Husbands leaving until it happened.

If he wants to leave because his wife wont put herself at risk again then I think he should fuck off to the far side of fuck.

MrsMontyD · 29/12/2024 21:15

Many of us had no concerns about our Husbands leaving until it happened.

StMarie4me · 29/12/2024 21:09

Annabella92 · 29/12/2024 20:29

It sounds like you led him on up until this point saying it was a possibility and he was upfront about what he wanted. To now insist that it's not even worth having a conversation about is unfair imo.

OP clearly said that she will only have one, and the matter has never been mentioned for 14 years. How exactly has she led him on? Don't be so misogynistic.

loonyloo · 29/12/2024 21:09

Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 19:41

he May well leave you to find someone to have a baby with🤷‍♀️

Are you suggesting OP should bring an unwanted child into the world just to keep hold of a man? Don't you realise how terrible that would be for the child, never mind anyone else in the family?

Haveyouanyjam · 29/12/2024 21:07

Of course YANBU so long as you are empathising with him rather than getting annoyed at him for asking. It’s clearly a bit of a mid life crisis and he is suddenly panicking it’s the last chance and he is bound to always feel a bit sad that you didn’t have another if that’s what he always wanted. Maybe he never really grieved or processed losing the second child you never had, especially if you had a traumatic birth as he may not have wanted to even discuss it if you nearly lost your life. He needs to find a way to make peace with it.

2025willbemytime · 29/12/2024 21:07

For the sake of harmony I'd have a discussion. Listen to what has brought this on, why he suddenly wants a baby. Remind him you only wanted one baby, your labour was traumatic and you don't want another child.

MerryMaker · 29/12/2024 21:06

Disabilities are more common with older eggs and sperm as well

SpringIscomingalso · 29/12/2024 21:06

That will put you again into square 1

BeAzureAnt · 29/12/2024 21:03

AngelicKaty · 29/12/2024 21:02

Did you read all of OP's posts? She posted half an hour ago "he knows fine well why it’s a no. As well as agreeing to be one and done in the early days of our relationship I nearly lost my life during labour and was then very clear that never again."

Show quote history

OP should not put herself at risk with an older pregnancy. period.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 29/12/2024 21:03

But you have discussed it. He brought it up and you said no. Seems pretty straightforward to me. Unless he’s got a plan to gestate and birth this baby, then take all the career hits and the majority of the childcare, organisation and extra housework I’m not sure what he thinks discussing the matter is going to do to convince you.

Loopytiles · 29/12/2024 21:02

He’s U, you not wanting 2DC aside it would be unfair to your DC, you not he would be taking almost all the health risks, and essentially it’d be like having a second only child due to the large age gap.

AngelicKaty · 29/12/2024 21:02

Glitchymn1 · 29/12/2024 20:59

Neither of you are being unreasonable, he can’t help how he feels. I’d probably discuss it though. You said you’d maybe have one and you have, I’d have my list of reasons why it was a firm no.

I’d hear him out at least, nothing worse than just shutting down.

Did you read all of OP's posts? She posted half an hour ago "he knows fine well why it’s a no. As well as agreeing to be one and done in the early days of our relationship I nearly lost my life during labour and was then very clear that never again."

Glitchymn1 · 29/12/2024 20:59

Neither of you are being unreasonable, he can’t help how he feels. I’d probably discuss it though. You said you’d maybe have one and you have, I’d have my list of reasons why it was a firm no.

I’d hear him out at least, nothing worse than just shutting down.

Mangocity · 29/12/2024 20:58

But you know that everyone will think you're being reasonable. People on Mumsnet are rarely advised to have a baby. What is it you're really asking?

Original poster
itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:57

@Kitkat1523 no concerns on him leaving.

OP posts:
OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 29/12/2024 20:56

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 20:20

@RupertCampbellBlacksEgo he thinks I’m being unreasonable for not even discussing it.

Unless he's planning on carrying, birthing and then caring for the baby, he doesn't get this much of an opinion

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