My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

I did think of a third in my very late thirties - I think it was probably hormones as I'd always been two and done. My husband was very anti the idea and pointed out that "I was getting on a bit" and we'd been lucky we'd had two healthy babies and the risks of something going wrong was much higher for both me and any baby after two Caesareans. I had to agree with him.

I think I'd have been horrified if when I was 40 he expected to me to have a much higher risk pregnancy after presumably stewing on it for 14 years. He knew the deal when you married. Your husband might want another baby but you'll be the one being pregnant, having your nipples chomped on, likely doing most of the chilcare, taking time off from work etc and having to put up with the general messiness. Instead of lazy brunches and fun holidays you'll be the one scrubbing baby rice out of the carpet and dealing with dirty nappies and toilet training. Any baby is unlikely to have a close relationship with their sibling.

I suppose you can talk to him about it but it would be a hard no from me in your circumstances. Is it some sort of midlife crisis for him? It does sound like he never really accepted it was one and done and sees his window closing. I'd be slamming it shut and bolting it fast.

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to have another child, but if you were so adamant about it, I don’t honestly understand why you haven’t taken steps to ensure that it doesn’t (tubes tied/ hysterectomy). It would have solved any risk of an accident or of him coming up with this now. What would you do, if you found out that you were unexpectedly pregnant?
I wanted another baby, and my husband didn’t. He had a vasectomy against my wishes, and truth be told, I wish I’d left him then. He later went on to gave an affair, and left me a couple of months after I was no longer able to have another baby, and I’ll never forgive him for that. It’s ok to want different things from your future.

My DP and I have one DD. He categorically does not want another. I would like to have another, but I respect his right to say no, so the conversation ended there. Your DP is being a bit insensitive in expecting you to be open to persuasion about such a huge mental, physical, emotional and financial change.

I’m assuming he has a carefully though through plan to deal with your ( perfectly reasonable ) objections? Eg that you will adopt a baby , he will do all the research around finding an adoption agency , do the application and all the paperwork, take time off for the meetings and training, take all the family leave when the child is placed, go part time until the child is at school, organised all the out school childcare and almost everything to do with the child until they are an adult . So basically be a mum .

While you can be the other parent this time - take photos and post on Facebook, tell everyone “ my kids are my world “, buy a mini football strip in your team colours, take the child to your hobbies occasionally when they are 8 and turn up at school parents evening one night a year 😬

Keep repeating the message 'I nearly died last time and what was dreadful in my twenties would be horrific in my forties. I will not risk my life on a whim.'

Happened to me.
He’s far worse than an “arse.”
It’s a betrayal in every way.

I can absolutely understand why you don't want another baby. The age gap between a newborn and your daughter is a minor issue - the biggest is the fact you nearly died giving birth to your daughter. That in itself is a big enough reason to say no. Throw in the fact you're now 40 (yes I am well aware women have babies into their 40s!) and not everyone wants to start again with sleepless nights/dirty nappies at that age. You are at a point where your daughter is independent and will be 18 in 4 years time. That gives you much more freedom to enjoy couple time. The time to discuss having another baby was when your daughter was between 2-4 years of age, not now she's 14!! The thought of having another baby, is probably quite frightening to you, considering what you went through with your daughter. The saying 'oh you soon forget' regarding the birth, is codswallop, when you've had to experience a traumatic birth, no, you don't forget, it's etched into your mind forever.

A typical mid-life wobble / crisis. He will either prioritise the status quo or he will decide that his desire to have children is so strong that he will find a new partner.

There is nothing you can do but listen to his feelings and then summarise yours, kindly but clearly. Like @PyongyangKipperbang I have also seen examples of men deciding they want another child and finding a relationship that will offer them that (just as a woman might). It might seem unthinkable in a solid marriage but mid-life for men can lead to the most disruptive decisions and choices being made.

And you’re the one who carries all the risk after all
well said @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing the woman always has the power of veto here

I would find it incredibly disrespectful of him to ask you this after you nearly died birthing your shared DD.
He should have thought about why he felt this way and done the internal work before even thinking of bringing it to you.
Selfish man.

If it’s not an enthusiastic yes from both, then it’s a no. It has to be.

It might just be age. I (female so biological deadline) had a bit of a wobble around having a baby at around late 30s, early 40s (can’t remember exactly) - in my case it was facing up to the fact that what had always been at least a possibility soon wouldn’t be.

I reminded myself of all the ways my life would be massively changed by a baby / child and got over it but there were several months where I thought about it a lot! Looking back, it’s very odd.

It's fair enough to say no, especially now when DD is growing up a bit. He might find this time difficult though, I would say try to be supportive of him as he deals with this.

So he was happy with one for 14 years, and is only agitating for another one now because some of his friends are doing it? 😬
How teenage…

It is unreasonable for you to not even discuss it.
Fully disclose your feelings and reasonings for not wanting another child, that is fair.

He should also fully expose his reasonings and what he is likely to do if you two do not agree to have a second child.

Is your relationship waning, could he be wondering 'why'?
If your relationship is needing a boost, are there things you could change and improve that do not include having another child.

Absolutely not Op

And you’re the one who carries all the risk after all.

I disagree with some and think he’s pretty unreasonable even to bring it up - or perhaps to go beyond a single mention, when he says he’d liked one and you say no. Putting pressure on your to discuss it suggests he thinks he just needs an opening to talk your round, which is not fair in itself.

I also find it a bit of a red flag that he’s raised this just as you’re dd is about to become a lot more independent. Almost as though he was to keep you tied down with another baby.

Tell him to have a look at the statistics for natural conception when both parents are over 38. Then tell him to have a look at the increased likelihood of birth defects and ‘ additional needs’ amongst children sired by men over 40.

if that fails, tell him to get a gerbil. They are cute to look at but noisy at night.

There is a word for this sort of bloke and it begins and ends with ‘d’

YANBU. I was in my 30s when mine were teenagers and I had a brief ( very brief) spell of broodiness. So glad I didn’t have a third. A levels then both at Uni with a few dramas and hours of driving/crying ( them, not me) It was quite a stressful time. Then suddenly they were both independent financially and I was free by 40.
I think it would be very difficult to meet the needs of a teen and a toddler.

Ah, super intelligent comeback 🤣🤣

Personally, the fact you almost died the last time would end the argument. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to take the risk again.

I will be 55 when my baby is 16 and I’m fine with that. I also have 16 year old son.
if OP decides she DOES want another baby then if she’s in relatively good health I don’t think her age is such a big problem 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think anyone can answer this for you, it’s completely up to you whether you’d like another now or not, some people love more kids, some don’t, if you don’t then that is completely your choice, I did it all again and for me I like having more, the older kids love it too and you just revert back to the younger years with the older ones, you do feel older but it’s also less stressful with age. It’s a completely personal choice though, it’s understandable not wanting to start over again, you’re not wrong whatever you choose.