My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

@AngelicKaty No. Because at the point I replied there was only the two sentence opening line. Sorry- should I have waited for more before commenting lol

@Nanny0gg OP didn’t include nearly dying in her opening post, how was I meant to know.

That would probably be a no from me too. The idea of starting again at 40 would be a tough one - I'm 29 now and about to have my 4th (and final) child. When I hit 40 I'll have 3 daughters who will be 18, 14 & 13 and a son who will be 11. Sounds ideal to me😅

Hell no! After a 14 year gap? Enjoy your freedom

I wonder if he'd be quite so keen on a second child were it his life in the balance. Before I even read that you had such a horrendous experience first time round, that was my immediate thought. It's a risk to your body and health; even the slightest risk of being left with long term birth injuries would make me think twice if I were of a mind to even give the idea of a baby in my forties some thought. You've been clear from the outset that you wanted one only and that's fair enough. "I really want us to have a second baby even though you are now in your 40s and I know you nearly died last time round" doesn't sound particularly loving and considerate to me.

I think a lot of men struggle with that time when their kids become teenagers, then adults. They may feel their role as a father is changing so radically as to make them feel not needed anymore. It might be that, plus seeing those around you having babies later in life that's doing it. I'd tell him he can offer to babysit for your friends once a month and he can get his baby fix that way; you'll be out with friends. But no, YANBU.

Haha no.....but now you mention it, yes!!

When did she clearly say she was only ever having one?

(I didn't catch the update earlier about nearly dying first time round, all the more reason to highlight this. Does he really want to raise it alone?)

Misogynistic though? No idea where you got that from.

"Not fussed" to me would imply to strong feelings either way. And if you're talking to someone who does have strong feelings on the matter, I feel the onus is on you to be unequivocal. "Not fussed" to my ears would sound like "well, if I'm desperate to then you wouldn't have a major objection to fulfilling this". You needed to say "hell no", made it clear all this time. I can see why he's upset.

obviously you are not unreasonable. Telling him that average full time nursery fees are around £15k a year might shake some of the broodiness out of him.

TBF I have some sympathy with him after 2 children aged 28 & 30 I became massively broody around 39-43 ish ( yes a close friend had a " surprise baby" at this time). DH said a very clear no I might have annoyed him, I did ask more than once eventually, I took up running. Quite glad I didn't go for it now as DCs are 18 & 20 having a primary school age child would definitely cramp our style. All I am saying is I can understand how he feels. BTW I never wanted to leave DH.

I’d be fine to hear out his feelings on this but my feelings would not change.

Every time this comes up I’m shocked by people who suggest he might leave (or say the same to women who post feeling as your DH does).It blows my mind that there are people who would even consider tearing their existing child’s family apart for the possibility they might be able to have a child with someone they’ve not met.

Boris and Carrie ?

I recall my now exH asking me when DD was maybe 8/9 if we were definitely done, we'd always planned to have one and for me it was a hard no, I would have been approaching 40, he accepted that and it wasn’t discussed again.

Absolutely everyone who knew us would have said 100% he would never have had an affair and yet he had the classic mid life crisis, complete with affair and then mental breakdown and off he went, with someone from work.

I can't imagine having to pick myself back up with a toddler as well as DD, the extra cost of nursery fees etc. Another child struggling emotionally. I'd almost certainly still be single at this point.

I know the OP thinks it won't happen to her but you can't control someone else's behaviour, and the woman is usually left to carry the financial, caring and emotional burden, while he's off finding himself or whatever.

So YANBU, never mind the fact you nearly died last time.

If he were the person to give birth, I doubt he’d so breezily bring this up at the age of 40. So ridiculous.

Even if you both wanted another child & enthusiastically went ahead your child will in effect be an only child. She’d be at least 15 when gave birth.

So that argument that your partner hated being an only child doesn’t wash.

Id say why yes if course but only when you can carry it, feed it,l and bring it into adulthood without any intervention from me.......until then no.

We had babies 9 years apart, but we weren't 40 for no. 2 and (most crucially) we both agreed to it as a great idea. 40 and a teenager is fine if you both want to. If one of you doesn't, you don't.

I love kids. But the idea of having a 14 year age gap out of choice rather than a happy accident seems silly. You have done all the weaning, potty training, interrupted sleep, hard yards of childcare costs, and now you get to spend some lovely time with your DD. I personally wouldn't consider it.

@itsalldownhillfromhere - why the laugh react? Just curious, as everything I said was true?

I saw someone else tagging someone for a laugh react in another thread, and thought what a good idea that is. It's a shame mumsnet doesn't just show reactions, we should all be able to stand behind our words, reactions etc.

Discuss it with him and say no.

He doesn't get to decide a single thing about your body/health. At your age it would be far more tiring and difficult to be pregnant than it was 14 years ago. That's just a fact, no matter how much some women wish it was not true.

Every pregnancy carries risks for the mother of heart attack, stroke and death and other issues with your future health. Yep, every pregnancy. Yep, that's a fact. Small risks, mostly. But definitely true.

Adoption means no risk to your own body, but still changes every single thing about your life forever.

Some daft bint earlier was like "Well, he might leave you if you refuse to be his incubator" so just to address that - if that is the case you are FAR better off not having a child with him. If he's such a selfish creep he that he'll leave you for not wanting to completely disrupt your life and your body and change everything forever on his whim, he will definitely leave you anyway and you will be left with a baby in your forties and all alone.

And, all of that aside, you don't want to. So that's that.

I'm also 40 and my youngest is nearly 16;I could not imagine anything worse than another baby at my age and going back to the whole baby stage shit again.

I'm a grandmother to a 10 week old baby and even helping out with my grandchild can be tiring.

I had my one and only child at 40 and she's the best thing that ever happened to me but I completely see why you wouldn't want to start that chapter of your life again given that you already have a teenager. Our DD was 14 weeks premature and has numerous disabilities - six years on I'm permanently exhausted even though my DH more than pulls his weight.

DH is one of five and envisaged having a big family. In contrast, I'm an only child and was happy to stick at one as it mirrored my own positive experience - contrary to your DH, I was never lonely growing up - I had plenty of friends, hobbies, and a strong bond with my parents.

Since our DD's birth, DH is the one who's adamant that we're one and done. Neither of us (mid-40s) has the energy to go through it all again!