My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

This

Op - has he mentioned it again? Have you had The Chat?

On the webpage it is rather obvious - if there are any further posts, a link See next is availabile at the end of the post. Plus, there is always an option to See all.

Anyway, unles you come on a very new thread, it is reasonable to expect that the poster added more and that the discussion evolved.
If the original poster hasn't come back in 8 pages, I wouldn't bother replying, they probably won't read it all.

Do you? Would you want to discuss repeating something that had already nearly cost your life?

I think MN should have a way of showing that the OP has posted again without posters having to select See All. It isn't intuitive. I only know because someone else pointed it out to me.

Thanks @RampantIvy I commented on the OP’s opening two sentence line though. (As did others) if I’d pressed ‘see all’ would still only have been that one little part.
All I said is I’d talk it over/hear him out and then say no. I don’t think I said anything inflammatory, I had no way of knowing the OP would add more story, let alone almost dying.

I would so get the ick with him, permanently.

Sulking because you nearly died the first time and want to be around for your child rather than put your life at unnecessary risk?

He's a cheeky fxxker to even suggest that.
He sure as shit cannot really love you if he would suggest you put your life at risk.
I suggest you tell him pack his bags and leave for a few days while you have a serious think about your relationship.

I really think this is awful that he would even suggest this.

Unforgivable IMO.
Selfish twat.

No, I didn’t miss that. Some people might understand the reasons for their partners’ refusal or reluctance to take the risk but their desire for a child or self-centredness supersedes that. Childbirth is always a risk. Does that stop people desperately wanting children? No. Does it stop people having children? No.

As I said, the OP has the right to refuse to have another child whatever her reasons. Whether the partner accepts that or decides that actually his wish for a child is more important than their relationship is up to him. There’s nothing she can do about that.

I'd get a stack of cards printed saying

I nearly DIED

and silently hand him one each time he starts on at you.

All the best to you.

This was the whole thread 🙈I think you drip fed. I commented on your OP 😂

Babies aren’t just for Christmas.

Was goung to say the same having a further child can come from qn emotìonal/sentimental place rather than the cold hard facts of what the implications are in the OPs scenario. As he did a fair bit for DD as a young child and has feiends whove had a further baby ( think ive got these correct) im thinking hes got his rose tinted spectacles on! (Partularly after his own reactionto the birth trauma) Would definitely go for the chat and counselling if hes struggling to come to terms with it.

itsalldownhillfromhere · 29/12/2024 21:53
I’ve listened. Not sure I’ve visibly emphasised as a bit pissed off it even came up (especially as he was more traumatised by the fact I almost died last time than I was).

There is no discussion to have @millymollymoomoo ^^

I think you’re unreasonable to not even have a discussion and hear him out or understand what’s driving his thoughts

Maybe counselling could help him.

Wanting another child when your partner absolutely does not is hard. He'll have to deal with the fact that he's going to have only one.

YANBU.

AND with that extra information, he is BVU to raise it again. He wants you to risk your life for him to have his youthful pipe dream of “2 kids before 40”

That was a dream, which he had before he’d even met any woman prepared to spend her life with him and not based in the reality of the effect of pregnancy on your body.

You don't have to justify the no. Its your body and your health? You are the one who would have to carry the baby and have all the associated risks.

I think he's crazy wanting to start all again with a 14 year age gap. I had my 2 in my 40s but it wasn't for want of trying. I had so many pregnancy related complications and was considered high risk. Your at higher risk of pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, miscarriage, still birth, placental problems and multiple pregnancies. Those are just risk to you. There are also risks the baby.

The thing is though, lots of women nearly die giving birth. I always think, how could a man claim to love someone if they'd actively risk her life for a non existent baby? But perhaps that's unfair as, lots of women take the risk too 🤷‍♀️

If the roles were reversed, I'd always beg my partner not to risk it. Even if the only risks were moderate injuries with no chance of lifelong, life altering damage.

I can't imagine witnessing my wife go through that and wanting to do it again! It's just so...detached.

And did you nearly die giving birth to your first child?

I had a terrible birth, nearly died along with my child. My DH spent the night crying in the hospital car park! Months later I suggested trying for another child, my DH said he couldn't face going through that again.
We didn't have another...sometimes you just have to consider they other person's fear. I hope your DH gets over it quickly!

Has he forgotten that you nearly died last time? You should remind him every time he brings it up.

I think the last few posters missed the OP's post saying that she nearly died giving birth.

Leaving a relationship to have a child with another partner is always going to be risky. Might not happen on any level. For some people, however, male or female, they might feel the risk is worth it as it offers them the possibility of having a child while staying where they are offers no chance. Not saying this is relevant to the original post but if you desperately want something and you’re not going to get it from your primary relationship then you have two choices. Stay or go.

The advice wouldn't be to leave at 40.
At 30 maybe. But not at 40. Certainly not with the dating pool as it is today!

Also, people forget mens sperm quality also decreases with age. Just because he could have a child down the line with someone else, doesn't mean he should.

I agree it’s absolutely self-centred but many people, male or female, desire more than one child and will go to great lengths to achieve this. Not saying it is right, just that it happens and people will often make their choice based on what they want, not what is best for others or the moral thing to do.

People leave marriages to have more children because either their partner can’t or doesn’t want to. It’s devastating but, like a precious poster said, it isn’t something you can compromise on. One person gets what they want, the other doesn’t and that can reverberate throughout the relationship going forwards.