Why get married?

Fundamentally, to make that commitment to each other that we are family.

There are benefits: wills/IHT etc to being married but if a woman earns more than a man these are unlikely to outweigh the benefits of ringfencing your earnings. But it really depends on your career plans. If you value your career and want to earn more you shouldn’t do it.

That's why I asked what would the consequences be, and whether there was a will in place.

It was things to think about when considering it, rather than an instruction to get married. If I wasn't married, my parents would default to DH anyway, given he's the one who's lived with me the last two decades. But not everyone's would and not everyone's would necessarily know their wishes.

Get married otherwise you need a will and everything watertight equal financially. You also need to consider the worst case scenarios - long term sickness, change of financial circumstances, divorce for example and how that might play out if you were married/ not married.

If people distrust or dislike their next of kin so much that the thought of them having any ability to make decisions should you be incapacitated there are ways to have your wishes recorded, same with inheritance, pensions etc. I'm not against marriage, but for some people they stand to lose more than they would ever gain beyond the emotional benefits.

@Needmynailsdone

OK: borderline but erring towards no. If you’re going back to work and planning on advancing in your career and particularly if you earn more than him I wouldn’t get married.

Mumsnet tends to default to advising people to get married in all cases because on the whole men earn more than women but the reality is that if you’re financially self sufficient it’s usually a bad idea. Keep your money: you may need to go it alone.

Who would you / he want to make decisions for you if you were unable to do so? Because that's next of kin, which is each other if you're married but parents / siblings /adult children if you're not.

Do you have a will in place? Because if one of you died then all assets belonging to that person go to the next of kin, i.e. not you if you aren't married and there's no will.

There's a lot of things that seem like they'll never happen. But if they did, what would the consequences of not being married be for you?

😂😂😂 at " just a girlfriend " comments.
No. I'm his equal.
I'm not "his wife"
I did not need his financial support or security.
I did not or do not need marriage to feel, secure or supported.
I'm secure in my self both financially & emotionally

Do you work OP? Or if on maternity do you have a job to go back to?

Ok fair point. I didn't miss out on anything because we weren't married.

But I'd be the first to advocate considering marriage in my/OP's circumstances (or before pregnancy) for some of the reasons listed by other posters.

I imagine I am much older than many on this thread but it was fundamental to me to be married before having children. If my partner didn't have the commitment to marry me, I cannot compite how they would have sufficient commitment to any children arising from the union.

That could very easily changed if their parent or adult child, as examples, got involved and objected.

If your partner is fit enough on admittance to nominate you it tends to be fine. If they’re not it can get very messy.

You can also backdate the Married tax allowance by 5 years. We got a nice little rebate.

It’s one of those things that for some people it doesn’t make a difference, but for other people it makes a massive difference when the shit hits the fan.

While you might never split up, being married can make things easier if he’s one of the “what Steve? No way!!” types who shocks everyone by running off with a 19yo, or who has an affair with a close friend.

Certain things being automatic (or almost so) when someone dies makes life that bit easier at the worst time. Same with being the automatic person the hospital or hospice speaks to first. And that kind of thing at a shit time shouldn’t be underestimated.

Wills can be changed. Pension beneficiaries can be changed. The protections offered by married haven’t changed much for a very long time and for many people they’re worth the trip to get wed

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

The answer to this question basically depends on whether you work and have your own money or not.

If you don’t work or earn significant less than your partner marriage gives you rights to a share of household money in the event that you split up. Which is incredibly useful if this happens. In this situation it would be wise to get married.

If you work or have private income and particularly if you earn more money than him it’s a bad idea to get married because he could take money away from the household in the event of a split.

Other people will say it gives you stability and commitment etc. I don’t believe in any of that I just see it as a legal contract pure and simple.

Whether it makes sense for you will depend primarily on your financial situation. Do it or don’t do it depending on that. Don’t do it for “love” or because you feel you ought to.

It’s not necessarily the earning power - when I got married, we were equal earners but it’s a heterosexual relationship - I was the one who could physically have children and breastfeed them so I was the one who took maternity leaves and the associated hit to my career. I’m all for equality and would consider myself a feminist but realistically if you want any kids, unless you adopt or use surrogacy, someone has to take the time to have them!

@Needmynailsdone I got married over 30 years ago. It was the thing to do. I was then the higher earner and had significant capital and we had a pre-nup.

I'd have been happy to pop to the register office. DH wanted the white wedding and his family were deeply religious.

I cannot begin to explain the spiritual bond that arose from making promises before God and receiving his blessing. It made it very significant. It was a marriage not a wedding.

Personally I still can’t believe women have children with a man & don’t get married (and I say this as someone never interested in marriage and I didn’t get married until my 50’s). You are leaving yourself in a very risky position if the relationship goes wrong.

If the woman has less money/assets and/or gives up work or reduces their hours ergo their income as well as future earning power, sure. Do you believe all women that have children are in that position though?

I wouldn't if I were you!

Might be different at end of life. Sorry, it just is. It's not about the strength of your relationship but your standing in law at that time, what information is shared and when decisions have to be made. Unless tied up legally by you both (marriage or otherwise) you could find yourself very much sidelined. I wasn't in that position, but have seen it happen.

How would you know? You have no experience of being treated as a wife.

Just read the number of posts on the divorce / separated board from unmarried women with children who in separation realise they have absolutely no financial rights on separation.

Apart from making a commitment in front of your family & friends….

Marriage can have many financial benefits, including:

Married couples can benefit from tax breaks and exemptions.

Marriage allowance - a non-taxpayer can transfer up to £1,260 of their Personal Allowance to their spouse, reducing their annual tax bill by up to £252

Spouses can transfer assets between them without incurring capital gains tax. If your partner dies - you will have to pay CGT on his share.

Married couples can benefit from reduced inheritance tax rates.

Pension benefits - when your boyfriend dies you aren’t entitled to any of his pension. Married couples - their pension continues after they die

If either spouse doesn't qualify for their own Social Security benefits, they can receive the other spouse's benefits

Married couples may have better access to credit.

Personally I still can’t believe women have children with a man & don’t get married (and I say this as someone never interested in marriage and I didn’t get married until my 50’s). You are leaving yourself in a very risky position if the relationship goes wrong.