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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why get married?

160 replies

Needmynailsdone · 29/12/2024 18:25

So have been with my partner 16 years. Childhood sweethearts, 2 kids under 2, early 30s. I see a lot of discourse online about why we should be married and why it’s stupid to have kids with someone you’re not married to, but aside from pension / life insurance stuff (which I’m the nominated beneficiary for), I don’t really understand the need. We both quite like the idea of it, it’s just generally not come up yet as we’ve been busy travelling, working on our careers and now the babies. What were your reasons for wanting to get married?

OP posts:
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BIossomtoes · 09/01/2025 18:53

Congratulations. 🥳

Original poster
Needmynailsdone · 09/01/2025 18:04

Just as an update to this thread… I am now engaged. Apparently he’s had it in his pocket for weeks 😂

OP posts:
FreedFromDesireMindAndSensesPurified · 30/12/2024 19:39

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2024 19:34

Sometimes even the most ardent never get married types can see the benefit. It’s reckoned it saved his wife £11m in IHT. Ken’s final revenge on the Tax Man.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6685085/Comedian-married-two-days-died-ensured-27-5million-fortune-went-new-wife.html

I was thinking of Ken Dodd! But quite a risk he took, leaving it so late.

Simonjt · 30/12/2024 19:37

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2024 17:11

So say your partner's mum walked in and claimed SHE was his NOK and didn't like what you were deciding. What happens then?

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Absolutely nothing would happen as the mother isn’t next of kin, as per the persons nhs record.

FreedFromDesireMindAndSensesPurified · 30/12/2024 19:34

Needmynailsdone · 30/12/2024 19:25

Funny you should say that - literally the first thing I saw when I opened my news app today!

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Interesting!

Though personally, I'd describe it as a triumph of experience rather than one of hope. People notice the years passing by, and the age mates who didn't make it this far. They realise nothing is guaranteed, including enough time before one's demise to make arrangements, so they make their choice and get it sorted out now. Good for them.

Original poster
Needmynailsdone · 30/12/2024 19:25

FreedFromDesireMindAndSensesPurified · 30/12/2024 13:56

Anecdotally, I think this is quite common. Higher net worth couples hitting the age where one thinks of one's mortality, and realising they like the legal landscape for bereaved spouses/CPs more than they do for unmarried cohabitants.

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Funny you should say that - literally the first thing I saw when I opened my news app today!

Why get married?
OP posts:
notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 17:11

LetThereBeLove · 30/12/2024 09:54

How?

I've suggested to DD has a civil partnership with her DP if they don't want to get married, as they now have a DC. DD was most surprised that I am still officially her NOK and not her DP.

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She can name him as her NOK

Why get married?
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2024 17:11

notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 17:08

Not true. I work in the NHS. My partner and I are each other’s NOK on records. (I have checked).

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So say your partner's mum walked in and claimed SHE was his NOK and didn't like what you were deciding. What happens then?

notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 17:11

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2024 09:59

Only if there's an official written document stating this. Otherwise, it's nearest blood relative or spouse.

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As below

Why get married?
notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 17:08

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2024 09:59

Only if there's an official written document stating this. Otherwise, it's nearest blood relative or spouse.

Show quote history

Not true. I work in the NHS. My partner and I are each other’s NOK on records. (I have checked).

FreedFromDesireMindAndSensesPurified · 30/12/2024 13:56

whatsappdoc · 30/12/2024 10:30

We happily lived together for 40 years and had a CP signing 2 years ago purely for IHT reasons.

Anecdotally, I think this is quite common. Higher net worth couples hitting the age where one thinks of one's mortality, and realising they like the legal landscape for bereaved spouses/CPs more than they do for unmarried cohabitants.

BadSkiingMum · 30/12/2024 13:52

Moonwalkies · 30/12/2024 08:36

A woman could marry a man the same day as leaving too, or even whilst they're with someone I suppose.

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Well absolutely, but I said ‘man’ because it generally seems to be women that are left high and dry or holding the baby.

Lordofmyflies · 30/12/2024 13:51

The main reason we were married was dueto beliefs. As Christain’s ,marriage is the ultimate commitment shown in front of your family, friends and God. We promised to support each other and our guests promised to support us. Having made those promises and being reminded of them, has made of marriage stronger.

needhelpwiththisplease · 30/12/2024 13:40

@KiraNerys1 or don't rely on someone else for your or your child's financial security?!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2024 12:33

NamelessNancy · 30/12/2024 12:16

Of course it doesn't have to always be the woman who earns less. Either of the couple can be protected by marriage. I do think it's naïve though to just think you can continue to earn well regardless. Ill health, disability, caring responsibilities, redundancy are not always predictable. In a married couple the risk is shared.

That's what I was trying to say before. It gives you the comfort you're making decisions together and sharing the impact together. If we weren't married, I wouldn't have gone part time, I'd have felt like I had to continue earning like I did pre-child so that I wasn't left in the lurch if we split or he died. And I would have expected him to have felt the same if the roles were reversed.

NamelessNancy · 30/12/2024 12:16

Of course it doesn't have to always be the woman who earns less. Either of the couple can be protected by marriage. I do think it's naïve though to just think you can continue to earn well regardless. Ill health, disability, caring responsibilities, redundancy are not always predictable. In a married couple the risk is shared.

whatsappdoc · 30/12/2024 10:30

We happily lived together for 40 years and had a CP signing 2 years ago purely for IHT reasons.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2024 09:59

notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 08:57

You can be NOK without bring married.

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Only if there's an official written document stating this. Otherwise, it's nearest blood relative or spouse.

KiraNerys1 · 30/12/2024 09:57

There are hundreds of posts from women who have been with their partner for 10, 20 plus years had children, taken a hit on their careers and their partner not married has buggered off

The house isn't in their (womans) name. They're left with nothing!

If you are the high earner, and your assets are not going to take much of an inheritance tax hit, then don't bother.

If the house is not in joint names, or youre a SAHM with his DC, then get married.

LetThereBeLove · 30/12/2024 09:54

notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 08:57

You can be NOK without bring married.

Show quote history

How?

I've suggested to DD has a civil partnership with her DP if they don't want to get married, as they now have a DC. DD was most surprised that I am still officially her NOK and not her DP.

notatinydancer · 30/12/2024 08:57

socks1107 · 29/12/2024 18:41

You aren't currently his next of kin and won't have the say if anything happens to him. and if he does ever sadly die don't assume you'll get everything automatically.
Once your children are over 18 they will
Inherit and could leave you out on the street.
If he leaves you you've no rights to anything.
It's a legal contract, I'm married for the second time. I like the title Mrs and wife but I also know I've a legal protection on the advice e

You can be NOK without bring married.

Moonwalkies · 30/12/2024 08:36

BadSkiingMum · 30/12/2024 08:28

I married for love, but twenty years on have thanked my lucky stars many times over.

Your current setup seems lovely but things can change!

What always blows my mind is that an unmarried man could walk out of the family home one morning and marry another woman, as the law regards him as single. There would be not a jot that you, as his ‘partner’, could do about it.

A woman could marry a man the same day as leaving too, or even whilst they're with someone I suppose.

BadSkiingMum · 30/12/2024 08:28

I married for love, but twenty years on have thanked my lucky stars many times over.

Your current setup seems lovely but things can change!

What always blows my mind is that an unmarried man could walk out of the family home one morning and marry another woman, as the law regards him as single. There would be not a jot that you, as his ‘partner’, could do about it.

FreedFromDesireMindAndSensesPurified · 30/12/2024 08:27

The test is when the relationship ends, which they all do either through bereavement or separation. In the UK, married couples are treated differently from unmarried in both situations, with some variation across the jurisdictions. So it depends which you prefer, and which would advantage you more.

The median woman is better off being married. You might not be the median.