suggestions on how to say "please leave now".

We have plans for today so it might be a good idea for you to go home today. We can drop you off if you like.

Shall we play a game of fuck off, you go first?

Get scabies? That would make me leave quick!

Or I start pottering about...

One of you do the dishwasher, one do the hoovering and if you can, strip the bed.

I literally just stand up from the table or whatever we've been doing and go 'right' and then hopefully they get the jist

I have a new and inadvertently trialled method... Feed your dog a lot of broccoli around four hours before desired departure and ensure the correct end of the dog is facing the soon to be leaving guest

I bet you can’t wait to get home, what time are you going again. I know we really need to get back to our regular schedule.

"What time is your train tomorrow? DH is taking the day off work, so he can drop you at the station. Or let me know if you want me to book you a taxi. It's been so lovely to have you, such a shame we both have to go back to work but that's life eh. Do make sure you ring us when you get home so we know you've got back safely."

The Germans actually have a saying for this… translates to “I am feeling visited enough”.

I think it’s all in the tone! 😉 I haven’t had the guts to use it myself!

One of my colleagues has an autistic, nonverbal nephew who, when he absolutely loves a visitor and wants them to stay forever, hides their shoes so they can't escape.

They also have a very overbearing auntie who dishes out endless advice, always knows best, talks over everyone else and 'elevenerifes' every story. Colleague's nephew has never hidden auntie's shoes and has been known to go and find them unprompted and put them in her lap so she has no trouble leaving 😁

My autistic/ADHD son 😂 does this. He is 17, very charming but gets bored and this does actually work because it takes everyone by surprise!

In light of this, I suggest a direct approach:

”When did you say you need to be heading back MIL?”
”Oh no rush, I have an open return ticket”
”Great, how about DH and I take you to the station tomorrow evening?”
”Oh, okay, I thought I might stay until New Year…”
”Oh, I’m sorry, we’ve got really busy couple of days coming up, let’s make a plan for you to come again in April though (or whenever).

God isn’t it awful 😆
I am a “stay for an hour or 2 max” type of person. My DB is totally offended if people don’t stay from noon until night. He returns the favour by staying wherever he goes noon till night. He apologised for needing to leave by 8pm (arrived at 1pm)
Sometimes you just have to be blunt. Tell them that you will be kicking them out at x clock because you have lots to do before the morning. Make a final cup of tea 20 minutes before (“would you like another drink before you head home?”)
My FIL was infamous for arriving at 8pm when we had young children. I just had to put them to bed around him as that was DH’s job to try and change him (never did !)

Start playing Will Young 'Leave Right Now.'

In all cases ( in person/on the phone/Facetime) if it's dragging on, I say 'So what are you up to tomorrow/this afternoon?

Gets them thinking and gives them the message that whatever they're doing, it won't be with you!

Go upstairs, strip down to undies.
Walk up to DH and say 'I think I'm ovulating', with a wink.

Should work...

We're off to 'x place' on the 'day you want her gone' do you want us to check train times or will you. Before she arrives ideally.

In the situation where she is already there. My 'relative' has had a fall so we have to be there by lunchtime tomorrow to care for them for 48 hours until NHS carer is in place so you need me to check train times?

As a teenager, my DF used to change into his pyjamas and start hoovering.

Friends of friends have a mix tape (now probably updated to a playlist, but sufficiently legendary that it is still referred to as "The Playlist") of songs on a goodbye theme.

Free banana has proper tickled me!!

I have mastered this, and if anyone's ever had hurt feelings they've never let on.

'Right, I'm so sorry to kick you out, but I've got to (insert literally anything here) but thank you so much for coming!'

It works for any time of day, any visitor, any occasion - perfect when you want to go to bed to 'I've really got to go to bed, I'm yawning my head off"
In your circumstances I'd do:
'I've just checked my to-do list and I've just realised I've forgotten to add xxxx task, I will have to squeeze that in today after you leave, did you pick a train?'
If you get a 'well I'm was thinking of staying a couple more days' I'd be responding with 'oh gosh, sorry but we're out all day for the next few days and with plans in the evening too, so i think today makes the most sense, we're off out at 8am tomorrow to drive to meet friends' (I find an early start the following day motivates most people!)

Spend a long time in the loo, then come out and tell everyone you think you might have norovirus...I've never seen people leave a room so quickly!

Can't you just have a bunch of phantom appointments for the next few days? And tell her you won't be home and she will have to sort out her own food. Maybe she will get the hint and start thinking about heading home.

From Twitter: "My favourite Christmas memory was the one where my daughter in law started taking her tree down while the family was still opening their gifts"