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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

suggestions on how to say "please leave now".

212 replies

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 17:25

It's a MIL one I'm afraid.
She has form for outstaying her welcome and not realising it.

Please suggest some gentle but not too subtle phrases please!
This thread is light hearted really. (ish!)

OP posts:
girlofsandwich · 29/12/2024 23:31

Grammarnut · 29/12/2024 18:21

I am a MiL. I live alone and being with people is a huge relief that I look forward to. I try not to outstay my welcome, i.e. I leave before I want to as I know that guests smell like dead fish after three days. But I have sympathy with OP's MiL. Just ask when she is going home.

I'm sure you are absolutely welcome, don't take this post to heart! Some people are just full on as guests. I don't think this is anything to do with being a MIL, just the general lack of any plan of action. There are some people you can potter about getting on with stuff eventually, and some you need to actually host until they leave and I think this is what this post it about. I'm delighted any time my Mum stays with me and am sad to see her leave, same with my siblings who have kids.
😂

Hope you had a nice Christmas and don't overthink it. I live alone and spent Christmas alone because I had nobody to mind the cat and my family are all over the place at the moment! I'm actually enjoying seeing everyone either side of Christmas where everyone is less stressed.

As a side note, highly recommend a cat for some company if you live alone. I used to be upset coming home from holidays with people and now I cannot wait to get in the door!

Flossflower · 29/12/2024 23:23

When my mother used to stay I always gave her a start and end time of the visit. She doesn’t stay anymore. The only guests I have for more than 3 days are the grandchildren.

Franjipanl8r · 29/12/2024 23:06

Do you give her a time to leave? Or is it an open ended invite? I always give my in-laws a set time “come round 2pm-4pm”

Tink3rbell30 · 29/12/2024 23:06

I think she's staying put until after NY now..

HadEnoughOfThisPish · 29/12/2024 23:01

I learned the hard way never to have visitors staying for an unspecified period of time. I'm sorry you're learning that same lesson.
'Well Sandra, we hope you've had a lovely Christmas. How about we have a nice breakfast/lunch together tomorrow before you go back home? Derek will take you to the station for the 14:00 train'
And just rubber ear any talk of coming back after new year 'OK Sandra, let's see what happens' (rinse and repeat until next Christmas)

sweatband · 29/12/2024 22:55

This is too long, if she goes over to Mary's make sure you're "away" when she gets back, it's imposing and there's only one way to deal with people like that and it's the bluntness. Tell her Christmas is over and you've a lot to be getting on with and it's time she bogged off home!

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/12/2024 22:52

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 22:38

So far, we've had "well I might go over to Mary's (another relation) for New Year, but I'll come straight back to spend some more time with you."

😳😱🤬

Thunderlegs · 29/12/2024 22:51

RegulatorsMountUp · 29/12/2024 22:42

The beaters?!

You know, like on a shoot. It's more interesting than sandwiches for the WI anyway.

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 29/12/2024 22:48

Tell her it's been lovely but you have plans for new year as you didn't expect her to be staying so long. If you have work say you need to get the house organised before you go back. Ask if she needs a lift to the station and say you could take her tomorrow but your busy after then.

Seaworthy · 29/12/2024 22:47

That would be lovely, but I'm not sure that's going to work for us this time. We've promised dc we'll be doing a few days out. We must come to you next time!

Luminiiii · 29/12/2024 22:45

MaterCogitaVera · 29/12/2024 17:34

“It’s been so lovely to see you! We’re going to have to let you get on now, as we have (a meeting with friends | work to do | chores to do | shopping to do).”

“I’m going to have to send you away before I embarrass myself and fall asleep on you! It’s been such a fun, busy few days, and I need (a quick nap before I start on dinner | an early night).”

”Thanks so much for coming round! Would you like (a few of these homemade biscuits | a slice of that cake) to take home with you for later? I’ll get you a little bag.”

You win. 🥇. ALL of these are excellent and shall be used from here on out!

RegulatorsMountUp · 29/12/2024 22:42

Thunderlegs · 29/12/2024 22:42

You have to be quicker off the mark. 'Oh MIL sadly we have plans so that doesn't suit but maybe we can come up and visit you the following week' or whatever. 'Oh Mil that would have been wonderful but I am organising the lunch for the beaters and it won't suit.'

Also...why can your husband not just say it to her?

The beaters?!

Thunderlegs · 29/12/2024 22:42

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 22:38

So far, we've had "well I might go over to Mary's (another relation) for New Year, but I'll come straight back to spend some more time with you."

You have to be quicker off the mark. 'Oh MIL sadly we have plans so that doesn't suit but maybe we can come up and visit you the following week' or whatever. 'Oh Mil that would have been wonderful but I am organising the lunch for the beaters and it won't suit.'

Also...why can your husband not just say it to her?

PeloMom · 29/12/2024 22:40

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 22:38

So far, we've had "well I might go over to Mary's (another relation) for New Year, but I'll come straight back to spend some more time with you."

‘No thank you MIL’

Thunderlegs · 29/12/2024 22:39

'We're going to visit xyz tomorrow. What's the best time for us to drop you at the station?'

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 22:38

So far, we've had "well I might go over to Mary's (another relation) for New Year, but I'll come straight back to spend some more time with you."

OP posts:
Endofyear · 29/12/2024 22:37

Not much you can do now she's there but next time she's coming to stay, I would specify 'we'd love to have you from x date to x date, we've got plans on the Friday so you'll need to book your train for Thursday' make it clear how long the visit is for from the outset!

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/12/2024 22:32

If she doesn't go tomorrow can she even get home on Tuesday? Otherwise it could be Friday before trains are running normally!

WhichPage · 29/12/2024 22:30

While I get what you are saying I really miss the olds visiting for a few days :(

I just embraced it and got in with life without ceremony in the end and things were so much better. Took her out with me places, left her at home while I went out, got the elderly lady for next door over for a mince pie and chat with her, she would muck in with the ironing or gardening and was frankly ace once we got in the
swing of things (gin penchant aside 🤣)

u3ername · 29/12/2024 22:26

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 20:47

DH works a lot through Christmas so it's more up to me to entertain her. Kids are grown up and doing their own things. Although he is taking tomorrow off work at my request. Even he finds her annoying though!

In that case he should be the one dropping hints.
My dh would never, but he's a mama's boy. They talk (or stay quietly on the phone) for hours because neither can say shall we hang up now.

PeloMom · 29/12/2024 22:23

Aren’t you very very busy with all sort of stuff the next few days? Leave in the morning, get a workout in or go to a coffee shop read a book. Take a walk, meet a friend, etc. she’ll hopefully get bored and leave.

IdaPrentice · 29/12/2024 22:21

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/12/2024 19:45

It's so awkward. I have a former co-worker friend, really nice chap and he'd do anything to be helpful, etc., but he lives alone, always has, and NEVER wants to leave once he's engaged someone in conversation.

In the warm weather I have picked up a rake and tidied my front garden and edged him toward his car, all but opening the door of his vehicle for him.

The Sunday before Christmas we had a day out together going to antique shops and garden centres; it was quite fun but we got an early start so by the time we returned to my cottage at 6pm it was 9 hours in and I'd done all the driving, about 150 miles. I had overheard him at one antique shop regaling the proprietor with a long and involved anecdote about his former neighbours from 1967, who had an identical Santa or some such in their front window. I mean, naming the neighbours by name and relationship. "So Mrs. Muggins preferred a tree in the window but once Harold, that is, Mr. Muggins as we called him, being children, saw that Santa he had to have it in the window. Their son Johnny used to unplug it as the kids would tease him..."

When we arrived back at mine, he wanted to fetch my Christmas gift from his car and then brought it inside and sat down.

Reader, he stayed another 2.5 hours. I wanted to fling myself off a cliff. He's so nice but his conversation consists of "back in 1973 my uncle Beryl was a salesman in York and his wife died at age 37; she was a real stickler and made those girls clean morning noon and night; we were all hoping when he remarried that his new wife would be kinder to the daughters but instead she turfed them out; Rebecca became a drug addict and Jane had to drop out of uni....meanwhile my cousin Pam did marry a nice bloke but they moved to Bristol and I didn't see her again till after I retired..."

or for about the 15th rendition "...that time in 1994, or no, was it 1995? 1996? I think it was when I was driving that Ford. Anyway when me and Tom went to the West End to see Petula Clark as Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. She was OK in the role but they had this special hydraulic stage, it was so mesmerizing that one hardly noticed her at some points...though I do recall her costume in the closing scene...."

I mean, if he had an anecdote that took place since 2009 or so, I would love to hear it. Poor man is so nice but his life has had few highlights and he recites them all given half a chance. I had two beers while he regaled me last week and it did take the edge off.

That reminds me of from Derry Girls 😂

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/ac9EaVrMWoQ?si=m4o7Sy3apbAPoSfb

JoanOgden · 29/12/2024 22:21

"Right, now Christmas is over I'm planning a massive declutter and deep clean. I'll need to make a start with the spare bedroom, shall we see what your trains are looking like tomorrow morning?"

Likewhatever · 29/12/2024 22:20

cosmobrown · 29/12/2024 20:37

Thanks everyone!
I should have said, she lives a long way away and has been here for a few days now, announcing that her train ticket is "open ended. So no rush to get back home."

Rookie error, letting her book her own tickets. Next year, “Oh no MIL, we insist, our treat!”

Seaworthy · 29/12/2024 22:15

Did you have an idea of which train you need to get back? We've a few appts and things planned so want to be sure we can get you to the station. Tuesday? Oh really sorry, I said we'd take ds shopping for new headphones, can we take you tomorrow instead?