Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

Also to add, completely agree that @HeartyZebra deserves more than this mess.

Don't put yourself second OP. Find a partner who doesn't have so much traumatic baggage and can respect you as a partner, not use you for childcare and kick you out when you're an inconvenience.

Hope you find happiness in 2025

@HeartyZebra completely this. You are worth more respect than your ‘partner’ is giving you and if he can’t, maybe he is not ready for a relationship. I thought from the thread title you were talking about the ex’s house, not your actual home!

Or maybe she's slowly letting him build back up a relationship with the kids and in turn she's trying to rebuild her own life, with her own interests. So every time he let's the kids down by not being available to look after them it's a backwards step.

It doesn't matter if its yoga, book club, knitting or dancing naked in the high street. He's supposed to be coparenting and proving he's not flakey, not palming off responsibility on the new GF.

Take a step back and really think about what this family has been through, then judge the mum.

Ex is happy for him to mind the kids so she can go yoga and book club so she is more put out that he is not available, rather than him being a safeguarding issue

Why did you call her to apologise for being in his life ? This is odd OP and has made the ex think she can railroad over you. It’s for your ex to sort this, not you.

Did you miss the bit where he doesn't want to go anywhere near a court due to his criminal record?

Given his history it would be extremely unlikely a court would award 50-50 contact.

I feel like I have to stand up for the mum here as she's been the one whose been the constant in their life whilst their dad has been flakey at best. So I'd say she absolutely does have to keep an eye on what her ex does and who he introduces the kids to.

Surely any mother would do this when you're dealing with an ex like this?

If she posted on here I bet she'd get tonnes of support!

Mum was right.

You're going to be yet another girlfriend who calls herself his partner and is briefly in her children's lives then disappears leaving the children confused and possibly upset. Those poor children.

It's a shameful way to behave for both you and him. His reason for not going to court is absolute bullshit too.

You can’t get through to her. Quite honestly she cannot control what happens in his home.

He needs to get legal advice, he can start at citizens advice and go from there. She doesn’t have a right to do any of this and it’s got nothing to do with book club or yoga.

She knows he has stable home life and he could in fact be entitled to 50/50 custody. This will impact her financially, potentially if he’s paying her child support. It could also impact her benefits if she’s claiming due to not being in work full time. There are a lot of unknowns.

Just have him get legal advice and go from there. This is on him, not you.

Throw him back.

Whatever his past is, people do genuinley change and make fresh starts sometimes however he and his ex are still so codependent that it can never work out right.

She still punishes him by not letting him move on and start afresh whilst coparenting.

They punish their children by not letting them see their father in a new relationship getting healthier and stronger and coping without his addiction.

He still feels so guilty for what he put them through that he bows her her demands and spends most of his time at her house to let her have chance to go out and have a social life whilst the kids are cared for that he neglect his own life and you to the point where he throws you out of your home to bow to her.

Then you ring her and apologise for being with her EX because of her stupid "rules"? You allow him to "throw you out" because she told him to?

Nah love. You can do so much better for yourself with less pressure, less baggage and less heartache.

Whilst they are in the revenge/guilt cycle this will never end and will never be an easy relationship.

Have to agree with this.

Making sure the kids are in a stable environment and maintaining contact with their dad is much more important than dad's new relationship.

Suspect the kids have been to hell and back with all this. They should absolutely come first.

You offering to look after them was inappropriate. Their mum doesn't know you or trust you based on past experiences of dealing with his choices. He really should be focusing on maintaining a good relationship with his kids not making the situation more complicated.

Try and see it from her point of view - she’s had to put up with a criminal addict with a knack for making poor choices, it’s a big ask to just accept a new person into her children’s lives when he’s proven himself to be so useless and untrustworthy

Why did you move in with him ?

Dear Lord just dump him before he ruins your precious life.

Kindly, what the hell are you doing op? Get the hell out of there! This is not worth the hassle, and frankly he doesn’t sound like catch of the year. Sorry

What did he go to prison for @HeartyZebra ?

Blimey. I don’t think OP came into Mumsnet ( apparently a supportive environment) to receive a lecture on who she should fall for. She is 47 with no children. Why should she not move in if she wants to live with him full time. The bloke was a car crash 9 years ago. While the pp is right that he will always be an addict, that doesn’t mean he will always be a car crash. Plenty of people go through a recovery programme and end up better people as a result. OP I have no advice on your situation but I do agree that he needs to resolve this and that cannot always mean you have to leave your home to accommodate her issues.

If he's had major drink and drugs problems and has been to prison, I suspect there's a lot more to his past than you actually know despite what he's told you.

She simply doesn't trust you. And with his past choices how can you blame her? you really don't know whose been in and out of his life and what she and the kids have been through.

Are you financially independent? if so, get out of this situation and don't look back.

I suspect you only know the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me

It would be a cold day in hell before I did any of this and I’m the most meek person on earth.

I don’t agree that an addict will always be selfish (unless he’s in active addiction) but what your DP did is inexcusable. They both sound trashy af.

For crying out loud, what are you doing with this man? He is an absolute loser. It's a variation on the theme though where you've moved in with him. The sort of guy usually move in with the woman and makes her life hell.

I was married to an addict.
His order of importance in life will be as follows

HIMSELF
DRUGS /ALCOHOL
His children ( as long as they don't get in the way of or cause any inconvenience whatsoever to the previous 3 things on this list).
His friends.
His ex.
You ( but only if you're quiet/ compliant/ financially/ sexually useful).

Why can't the nights hes with the kids be the nights she has yoga and book club? Or does she have something on 5 evenings a week? Why does he never have the kids at his place? If he is renaging on the established pattern of time he spent with the child since they split 9 years ago just because you turned up I can understand her being annoyed. It's not entirely reasonable but I can understand it

Wow what a catch, run a mile.

Why are you with this person? He sounds a complete waste of space on so many levels and being dictated to by his ex. From what you say though I'm not sure I'd want my kids around someone like that though. As for her yoga and book club what does that have to do with anything.
You can do so much better than this man. Raise the bar.

So you've chosen a 50 year old addict ( he will always be an addict btw) who has been to prison and has a hugely troubled relationship with his ex partner ( I imagine she went through seven levels of shitty hell with him) as your partner.You are a mature, child free woman . The world is your oyster yet you have settled for this. Why?

From some of your vocabulary, I’m guessing you’re here in the US, not the UK so some of the advice you get here may not apply. I’m in the US. It depends on the terms of the divorce and custody order whether the mother can stipulate which other adults are in the home when the children visit. But in this case there is no custody order so it’s not her place to make such demands.