Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

The way you describe yourself is heartbreaking.

Your bar is set way too low. You are not being respected in this relationship. You can do so much better.

By the sounds of things you have a lot going for you. You need to have more faith in yourself and not stick in a relationship where you're not valued.

I do think you know this.

If you were the other women and he left her high and dry on the floor to be be with you I’d not necessarily agree but I’d understand her actions and bitterness and pettiness. However that isn’t the case. They were long over before he met you. It’s about time he grew a spine with her isn’t it. He doesn’t seem to have no trouble telling you like it is. Also is she in a Relationship is it okay for her to have other men there around his kids or is it a different story when the boots on the other foot.
Another thing why are are you apologizing to her. Please stop crawling up her stinking arse FFS!
This “Relationship really isn’t the worth the 💩.

Oh, please……I am older than you (49) and don’t have any children, I certainly don’t see myself as old / desperate and I know I don’t just have to settle for someone or that I would have any difficulty getting a partner if I wanted, you have a terribly low opinion of yourself and your self worth, this is why you have got yourself into this mess

I thought the same, he is hardly a prize catch.

OP the amount of self hate this relationship seems to inspire is not good for you. You are not worthless for not having children that's a ridiculous misogynistic world view and as a fellow academic, with many child free female peers, it is incredibly insulting.

You can do a billion times better. However, if you want this relationship to work, stop the self hate and begging this woman, you don't have to communicate with her in the slightest. Get your partner to arrange some proper visitation through the court that isn't completely on her terms. If he's straightened himself out and has a good relationship with the children, the courts should treat him fairly. Never let yourself be thrown out of your own home again, and if he refuses to do it, find someone better.

You can do better and don't buy into the "I can't do better" bullshit. It's simply not true. Xx Take care OP.

If you think he's all you deserve and can attract please get some counselling to help with self-esteem.

Why have you taken this on? He has issues in his ex has issues (probably from years of living with an addict), he has difficulties in seeing his children now. All this stress may well cause him to relapse and you will be blamed for that, too.
Think of yourself here and find your own place where you can set the rules. Then you can decide whether he's worth all that hassle.

Hi, OP -

What is your DP’s relationship with alcohol and drugs now? If he has addictive tendencies, he needs to stay clean to be in his childrens’ lives; I assume you agree with that?

As long as he is clean, I don’t see why he fears going to court, be it in the US (where I lived for about 15 years) or the UK. He’s done his sentence; he has a clean slate now.

However: what do you know about his drink driving history? It is rare in either country for a first or even a second DUI to result in a prison sentence. There is a possibility of multiple DUIs in the background.

I would find that very offputting, even though for the most part I think I could accept dealing with baggage that comes with a former addict.

It goes without saying that if he isn’t clean you can’t get away fast enough.

If the problems are really in the past, you are still being treated very badly in the present. DP and his ex are far too entangled and you are not his priority. As above, I think he should go to court to get a custody arrangement but if he won’t do that he needs to find another way to make it clear you are his partner, not to be turfed out of your own home to placate the ex. Otherwise I personally would leave

What was he incarcerated for, and for how long?

First post nails it. It’s none of her business. He is enabling her.

But mostly it all sounds like exhausting drama that is unlikely to go away. Is he really worth all the hassle?

Tbh, OP you need a hefty kick up the arse for writing that down, let alone thinking it. There are plenty of decent men out there you could meet, you really are scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one.
Not every man in his late 40's /50's wants more kids, some are probably glad not to have to go through it again.
You seem to have esteem so low it's in the gutter, can't help wondering why that might be. Did you see this guy as someone you could fix and save from himself?

You’re a clever woman yet you chose this imbecile to live with. I bet you’re financing him too. He supports his ex that you can’t be in the house… his decision too… leave

If you are an able-bodied person, no-one can "throw you out" of your own home in the situation you describe.

If he literally got hold of you, picked you up and threw you out then more fool you for going back to him.

If he asked you to leave so his kids could come round, then again more fool you for complying.

I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children.

This is real, is it? And you let your partner ‘throw you out’ of your mutual home?

he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated

What does this even mean?

I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life

Right.

She lives there.

Combination of things, really.

Reddit (age and sex in brackets)
Mom
Incarcerated
Dressed me down
Z in apologise
Professor
Watching rather than babysitting the children
Fairly public profile in the community
A very strong belief that she's worthless if not fertile (not anywhere near as common, never mind so bluntly stated as though it's true, outside some very traditional places)

Will obviously withdraw if the OP clarifies that she's actually a Brummie who happens to use Americanised (or should that be Americanized?) spellings for words that have no relation to the preferred spelling and pronunciation for mother in both a small part of the UK and a large part of the US - and there's a university somewhere here in a town small enough that their lecturers also happen to be needed to become well known pillars of the community whom almost everybody knows and can be checked up on beyond a name on the Staff page of a website.

old childless women wtf !!

Why should you be allowed in the house. It's nothing to do with you.

So he's an ex addict of drink and drugs who has done time. His ex is a psycho. Seriously, do yourself a favour and get out of this now.

You say you didn't want to get thrown out of your home, but I'm assuming it's his place if he threw you out? If it was a place you bought equally then he'd have no rights to chuck you out.

Yes, I've known many, my dad included. Academic genius, could speak Latin but completely clueless in living and negotiating life

Red flags are blaring all over this post.

Oh quite often more so. My aunt worked for one who could barely function at all in the real world.

Plenty of men don't want more kids op. (Most at his age wouldn't.) Being with you is less complicated not more.

@HeartyZebra this relationship is probably as good as its going to get.

Don't blame the ex, be angry with him. He's created this shit show.

Are you scared to be angry with him because you're worried that the relationship won't stand you actually challenging him directly for fear of rejection? If that's the case you're not going to be happy in this situation in the long run.

Doesn't matter how educated, senior or academic you are, you're allowing yourself to make poor choices based on very low self worth. That's a recipe for disaster.

Get yourself into therapy and see the situation for what it really is. A messed up, co-dependent family that see you as a spare part who can be kicked out at whim. He has created this because he is chosing to let it happen