Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

And further to my previous comment, the callow youth who wrote this post pretending to be a 47 year old female academic not only has no idea how extremely young 47 year olds think they themselves are, especially in academia where at 47 you are still a spring chicken. But OP also has no idea how terrified most 50-ish year old men are of having even more children. Being able to reproduce is really not the selling point you think it is at my age, sorry OUR age.

OP please walk away from this baggage and work on your self esteem. You deserve so much better.

If he's the best you can get, then my advice to you is to learn to love being single.
I cannot for the life of me imagine how being in a relationship like this is more pleasant than being single.

Wow! @HeartyZebra Stop with the pity party !
If you feel shit in this relationship leave. .
After reading this I’d leave them both too it .
You deserve better.

Is it you feeling sorry for yourself not having kids that you say you’re not as worthy as a mum. ?

In any relationship it’s about respect , communication and compromise you shouldn’t think otherwise .

Id end this relationship!
Oh and people asking why he was in jail . Does it matter . The ex left him with kids ALL the time so he can’t be that bad .
Everyone has a past she either wants him in the no dos life or she doesn’t.

She isn’t your problem the way he treats you is. .

This !
Also she won’t stop contact . She may try to use it for control but she won’t stop it . Maybe for a few days until she realise/s it benefits her life to have a co parenting relationship.

You need to stop apologising and tell dp he stands up to her or you leave for good.
They both need to talk about access and stop the Nonsense .

You have DP problem more than an exP problem. He needs to grow a pair.

I really hope that is a tongue in cheek comment and you’re joking?!
I know women of your age who have for whatever reason not had children, they are brilliant, funny and clever and I’m lucky to count on them as friends.
I would suggest talking to someone if you genuinely feel that low about your circumstances and stop allowing yourself to be treated as a 2nd class citizen to the extent of having to leave your home.
Time to invest in your own place if finances allow, even if it’s a small studio to be your little slice of heaven to go to if you want to stay in, unless of course your current home is yours, in which case your partner should have rented an air b and b to accommodate his children and ex wife if he wants to keep in her good books. This situation will only continue because your partner is allowing his ex to call the shots and you are also not standing up for yourself with him.
Sending you a massive hug because it really sounds like you need one

He should speak to a good solicitor who will be clear about his chances of obtaining an access agreement / partial custody.

OP, are you with this person because he makes you happy and brings joy to your life or because you feel any man is better than no man? It is hard to work out whether you are being sarcastic with your responses or actually believe what you are saying.

You appear to devalue your own worth by doing things like agreeing to leave the house at Christmas, or when you apologise and cow-tow down to your partners ex: even though you know you've done nothing wrong. My advice is to stop bending over backwards to please everyone - the ex is never going to give you a break and she will keep dictating your life if you let her.

Your partner is a weak man who has form for finding the easiest way to check out from life and all it's complications, so he is a dead duck from the start.

Equally, getting behind the wheel of a car when drunk is unforgivable .

I would find the exit door on this fiasco of a relationship and use it.

“I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children.”

Please have a little self-worth, OP.

“I'm an old, childless woman. Who else would settle for me?”

Plenty of men. But if you don’t value yourself, why on earth should anyone else? Your lack of children is an advantage to most men looking for a partner second time around. You are clearly bright - what do your friends make of your relationship? If you were my friend, I’d be telling you that you could do a lot better, and that you really don’t need someone in your life who tips you out of your own home at Christmas.

Op says: ' I am a professor at a local university and chair several community events for children. I have a fairly public profile in the community ...I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children. Maybe I should just stay out of society.'

In answer to why does she put up with this, she says:

'Because I'm an old, childless woman. Who else would settle for me?'

I was willing to go along with the idea that perhaps, all possibilities being possible, there is a 47 year old university professor out there who has shacked up with an ex addict with a drunk driving conviction and a difficult home life. The heart wants what it wants, as Emily Dickinson said.

But the above quotes are so obviously NOT written by a 47 year old university professor it's almost painful.

I'm going to say this must be written by a fairly young man, who perhaps has never spoken to a woman in person? But certainly has zero insight into how 47 year old university professors think about themselves.

Signed:

A 47 year old, childless, university lecturer.

It is not up to mum who dad has in his home when he has his children. Unless you pose a danger to them or dad has a history of introducing inappropriate people to children then she has no say.
He should not be spending less time with his children because he has a girlfriend now and she should still be able to go to her yoga and book club lol.
you have nothing to apologise to her for. It is none of her business. He is being ridiculous giving in to her demands and the courts would not refuse him access, nor does it sound like the mum would want to reduce the level of contact. He needs to tell her that is how it will be.
You need to ask yourself if you really believe that crap about being undesirables as a 47 year old childless woman because I can guarantee you it is bs. If you really believe that it is why you’ve settled then please get therapy and reconsider.
Do not allow yourself to be thrown out at Xmas. Of course he needs to spend time with his children on his own but you live there too and it can be really beneficial to the children to see their parents in healthy relationships.

Heartyzebra, I have read all your posts.

One thing that stands out glaringly from what you have said is your low self esteem. That is surprising, shocking even, for anyone but especially so for an educated women, a professor no less.

You are far from old. Women in their late forties are coming up to their best. Their best will last a few years too, make no mistake about it. They are confident, articulate, exude sex appeal and are generally good people with whom to keep.

The fact that you won't be having children is a plus. I doubt many men in the same age group who have had kids or a child would want any more, they'd be pleased to have a confident, successful partner and be proud of her. She would be a trophy!

However if you go around feeling inferior to the point of being banned from your home iover Christmas, you are not going to command the respect you deserve. That was outrageous.

I have to ask and please forgive me if you've said but I didn't notice, is your home his house that you moved into?

I did take note that you've only been with him for a year and are already living with him, everything obviously moved very quickly. I'm surprised at that because you're not 20 years old, most mature people would take a bit longer to make such a commitment, especially if they have had previous relationships that ended badly, even more so if one had dependent children.

Take a good, long at yourself, draw yourself up to your full height and tell yourself you're a woman of substance, because you are. Not being able to have children does not make you inferior in any way. There are plenty of single, career woman with no kids who are much admired and a chlldless person can do things, take advantage of opportunities, that a mother cannot.

Please make the most of the good things you have, ie 1. yourself 2. your career 3. your salary 4. your freedom, plus the other things in which you are involved.

You don't need a man to define you and this one definitely does nothing for your morale. You could have a really good man friend who valued you with whom you shared many good times. This one is no catch and his ex-wife is being quite ridiculous, horrible, but he allows her to get away with it. He wouldn't be prevented from seeing his children for a drunk driving offence for which he paid the price a few years back, as long as he is generally sober and careful now.

Try to see this (still fairly new), relationship as if you were looking at someone else's. Do you have friends and family who would give honest opinions, or is there someone who could be objective? You have to get real, Hearty.

Don't leave it too long. Tomorrow go out and buy some new clothes, maybe have a new hair style. Walk tall. Smile. The world is your oyster, you just have to realise it.

Good luck! New year, new start.

I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her

The only thing that would possess you to do such a thing is non-existent self-esteem. What has happened in your previous relationships- romantic and familial- to bring you here?
Why are you apologising for existing?
Why have you chosen this man to waste your precious life on?
Why aren't you seeking advice to leave a man who puts you out, and om Christmas Day?
What do you think will happen now they know you'll accepted this shit?
What steps are you going to take to end this relationship?

They're HIS kids, you're not supposed to be taking care of HIS kids, let him get a nannie! Oh I forgot they cost money, so basically you're being used as free labour. As for being kicked out of YOUR house on x-mas day... I have no words. This man is not ready for a partner, he has too much drama/baggage in his life. Get a place for yourself and date him because the living arrangement doesn't work. Let but not least: don't date someone whose been to jail.

1. Eh?!? You what now. My sister is 47 and childless, she's batting off the men, no one wants to take on other people's kids so you're an absolute catch.

1. He chucked you out of your home, not her. All on him.

1. 10&14 year olds don't need looking after. 13 is a standard age to start babysitting especially when the other child is already 10. So the ex can go to book club or yoga whenever she wants anyway. So that bit, along with all the rest let's face it, is nonsense.

Chatgp writes like that.. but a professor wouldn't use Chatgp.
Those programmes also inherit societies bias. It is like a bingo card of assumptions and stereotypes. Ex con drug addiction, old childless woman = worthless, the crazy psycho baby mum. Even have the juicy unconventional couple novel romance lol.
Just wait for an update of the love triangle where the baby mum still pines after the ex-con after 9 years. 😂

Unfortunately the court will not care about fathers previous behaviours and even fathers with history of abuse and DV are rarely refused access/ joint custody.

I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children. Maybe I should just stay out of society.

OH THE HYPERBOLE

What you need to do is make better choices. By all means date the bloke. But don't move in with a man like this. Recovering addict, young children, volatile relationship with the ex? Madness to give up your independence.

As others have said, advice on the legality of the situation depends on where you live, in the U.K. as long as he's sober, not a danger to his kids etc (in which case they would be restricting access anyway) and an active father then he's likely to be awarded 50/50 custody. She can't dictate whether you are there or not. I have no idea on the law in other countries.

Is this real?

You're having yourself quite a pity party there. Your DP needs to get a solicitor and go to court. If he's only allowed supervised visitation it will only be until he proves himself. This isn't her choice. It he threw me out over Christmas I wouldn't have gone back.