Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

LTB and move area op. That's your answer.

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch OP.

OMG. Just listen to/read yourself, OP.
You’re an intelligent woman, so get a grip, leave your loser of a partner and sort your life out. You don’t need a man to be happy. In fact if you’re not happy in yourself it will be very difficult to find happiness with a partner.

Lonely, happy to settle, who else would have me?
Wtaf.

OP I am absolutely furious with the way you are talking about yourself and allowing yourself to be treated. I know there is some sarcasm but your self esteem is as low as the bar you’re setting for your partner. You are a professor in a university, they don’t just hand those jobs out like pizza menus! You have worked your butt off to get where you are! You must be an intelligent, strong person and you allowed yourself to be kicked out of your home? Absolutely not. You’re lonely? Cool get a hobby, there’s apparently some places free in the book club or whatever now 😂. Being in a relationship where you are like a second class citizen is no fix for being lonely. It corrodes your confidence and destroys your self worth. It ends up being so much more lonely than just being alone. I’m not going to comment on his past cuz hey maybes he’s done the work and you see something in him that we don’t but I can tell you that he has no respect for you. That isn’t love. I get it gets difficult when your partner has kids but that is no excuse to treat you like this. At the very least he should have gone to hers and not have kicked you out. How can you ever feel secure in a situation like that? Honestly I’d be living out of a suitcase after that as it would never feel like my home. He needs to get some form of solicitor involved to sort out his nightmare ex but honestly I don’t think that should be your problem. Do not go crawling to the ex, stand up, shoulders back, and grow a spine. You deserve respect. Not just because you are a freaking academic but because you are human.

ps check fb groups for hobbies you like the look of. You’ll probs find something close by. Heck I’m 31 y/o woman and play magic the gathering. I socialise with a hell of a lot more people than I ever did before I took up the hobby and have met a lot of close friends doing it. (Yes in my age range it’s not just me and a bunch of teenagers I’m not a weirdo I promise). You are way to good for your self esteem to be this low and having a partner does not define you as worth something. ❤️

It sounds like packing up and moving to a more suitable place is going to be less disruptive, and more rewarding, than staying put with this idiot.

It's not that easy to move and uproot your life, like those suggesting it like it's nothing. Acedemic jobs can be hard to come by, op has a role in her community and probably some security in her work relationships.

Can't you move to a more "normal" (eg non Trumpian) state? I think you wouldn't feel so miserable in a bigger city like say Boston/Chicago/New York/LA?

If there is a genuine post you should spend less time working with this shit show of a relationship and spend more time working with a licensed therapist and building drama free support networks.

Maybe you should try a US chat group.

Sounds like you have bigger issues than your partner. Nothing will go right for you unless you sort yourself out first, this whole story sounds very shady.....

Why are the two of you women working it out between you and arguing with each other?

This is all on him. Let him sort it out.

She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now.

In today’s episode of: “A Woman is Always to Blame”

@HeartyZebra it goes against all good manners to tell someone replying that I don't believe they are who they say they are. But I don't believe a 47 year old woman would talk about themselves in the way you did, least of all one who has managed to become a university professor. I don't believe any woman would talk like that, even if she had internalised the philosophy, but I least of all believe that an educated woman with years of a good career behind her would talk like it.

I have lived in Texas and Phoenix as well as California, so I'm not exactly a stranger to those you call 'red pill idiots', and honestly, I think you are most likely one of them, pretending not to be. Apologies if you are indeed real, but you sound just like a small boy talking about a middle aged woman

Well I think it shows him in a good light that he does not bring his children into the house when his new partner is there. It's a bit wet to make it sound as if it's all the ex's idea, but at least it gives the DC the opportunity to get to know the OP before sharing his house with her.

OP has only been with him a year and already she describes the house as 'our home'. She doesn't say how long she has been living there.

Op, you only have his word for it that she's the first partner he's had since splitting with his ex. It would probably be reasonably to accept that, but he doesn't sound the most reliable of men.

I agree with PP, that you would be better to have your own home, see him when the DC are not around, and let them get used to the idea of Daddy having a new partner before they have to share a home with you.

And somehow you've gotten yourself in what sounds like a toxic situation with an ex con who is using you as a free nanny for his kids then kicking you out of the house when convenient. Single life is not that bad you know? Also: if loneliness is so scary can't you just have your own home and date this man instead of "blending the unblendable" thus removing yourself from the drama?

To those on the thread: the OP may well be at professorial level with tenure. That’s great, but unless she is exceptional it means it isn’t necessarily as easy for her to move as you might imagine. Depending on her discipline, moving to a different sector such as private industry at her age might also be much more effortful than you might think.

I agree she has more agency than she seems aware of. But to blithely suggest that she move may be to misunderstand her life.

I just did a quick google search. Nearly half of American adults are not in a relationship and over 1/3 of those have never been in a committed relationship, so about 1/6 of all American adults have never had a committed relationship.

As an academic, you are in a good position for a long distance relationship. I know; DH and I managed it for two years. The academic calendar, particularly the American one, offers a lot if freedom for travel. If it became long term, you could move in together when one of you retires.

Why are you limiting yourself?

Oh, BS. I'm an American. You live in MAGA country and can't find a decent man? Then move, or find new friends. Even deep red states like Florida where I live have plenty of democrats.

This "wonderful" man is letting his ex call all the shots to the extent that you aren't welcome in your own home at Christmas. Yep, sounds like a prince among men to me. The ex isn't the problem, your dp is. He won't stand up to his ex and tell her that they are his children too and he will have them around whomever he pleases when they are in his custody. The fact that he hasn't done that means that her wishes/needs/desires are still more important to him than yours are. Proceed accordingly.

OP,

I am also an academic. Aside from anything else, this guy does not sound very bright. I would unquestionably rather live by myself than with someone who didn’t appreciate my mind, which is intrinsic to the core of my being.

From everything you’ve described I wonder to what extent you are truly seen, never mind appreciated and cherished, in this relationship? Single is not the same as lonely. You can build a life full of friendship love and you can arrange for sex, even if like many you don’t have a loving partner in your life. But the more you write, the less it sounds like you have that anyway.

Come to the UK! I can guarantee you aren't left on the shelf! My word! What arse backwards world you got yourself surrounded in? No one deserves to be treated the way you've written about. No one. For being childless (it's childfree btw) and over 40? Had yourself on woman! If those are your only "crimes" I'd say you're doing canny well 😉
But on a serious note, you have a DH problem and while he's jumping to his exes tune it's going to stay that way. You are making it out like you are past your prime...and for what? A man who seen fit to chuck you out of your home so he didn't rock the boat.

The more I read the more this woman cannot be serious an educated successful woman has settled for a loser who’s ex controls his life and she’s even called Brandine or whatever the F her name is to apologise for existing 🤣🤣

Please run and do better

@HeartyZebra maybe keeping your own place would be best then - that way you’re not vulnerable to being kicked out.

Move.

Probably sounds extreme, but yours isn't any way to live. That a man as dreadful as this one is some kind of prize.

Fuck me. MOVE. Surely all of the US isn't sp backwards.