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Original poster

To go part time when finances aren’t great?

233 replies

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 14:22

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

OP posts:
Calmhappyandhealthy · 29/12/2024 16:18

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:17

I don’t have any access to them. If I asked he’d give me money but the resulting complaining and stressing and shouting means I’d honestly rather go without.

He is intentionally controlling, coercive and a bully imo

FreedFromDesireMindAndSensesPurified · 29/12/2024 16:17

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:12

There are possibly elements of this but I don’t think it’s intentional.

When we had our first child, DH didn’t really notice any change in life or income. This changed with our second and I don’t think he’s adapted awfully well in some ways.

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It may not be intentional now. It doesn't sound like he'd be willing to accept taking his share of the financial implications of there being wraparound care (you) for his child, even if it were very clearly spelled out to him. If he'd still see you short once he knows all this, it will then become intentional.

Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:17

I don’t have any access to them. If I asked he’d give me money but the resulting complaining and stressing and shouting means I’d honestly rather go without.

OP posts:
Jeezitneverends · 29/12/2024 16:16

Rather than nursery and breakfast club, would a childminder work? Mine did before and after school care as well as all day for pre-schoolers-and was much better than any nursery I’ve heard of

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2024 16:15

Oh gosh. So although in theory you have access to ‘family money’ you actually don’t?

You’ll either need to eventually leave, or get used to tuning out his moaning and spending it anyway. You can’t keep covering the children’s expenses all by yourself indefinitely.

Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:12

sunshine244 · 29/12/2024 16:09

Sounds like financially coercive behaviour then. Are there any other forms of abusive or controlling behaviour?

There are possibly elements of this but I don’t think it’s intentional.

When we had our first child, DH didn’t really notice any change in life or income. This changed with our second and I don’t think he’s adapted awfully well in some ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:11

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2024 16:09

Where’s the current ‘finances are a source of tension’ coming from if you’re both acting separately? He wants you to earn more because…?

No, it’s basically because he is convinced we’re on the verge of going bankrupt. We have a good amount of money coming in but also a lot going out so if I ever spend money that’s his he gets all stressed and starts going on and on about it. So I’ve stopped. I have tried a few times to sort it properly and work out a way forwards but you just can’t, it’s impossible.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/12/2024 16:09

Where’s the current ‘finances are a source of tension’ coming from if you’re both acting separately? He wants you to earn more because…?

DustyLee123 · 29/12/2024 16:09

If your marriage is shaky you need to make sure you are earning enough to keep you and DC, and that you can do the school run and work. Don’t leave yourself relying on him for help.

sunshine244 · 29/12/2024 16:09

Sounds like financially coercive behaviour then. Are there any other forms of abusive or controlling behaviour?

JHound · 29/12/2024 16:08

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:04

@NoSquirrels i think this is where I’m being a bit selfish. So if I was to drop a day, five hours, I’d start an hour later 3 days a week so 3 hours. I could just keep it like that. But I could also drop the remaining two hours and finish early two days a week. It would mean DS only had to do one day after school club. But also mean I could go home at half one, start the dinner. Do some housework, keep on top of things a bit more. Then go to get children.

It kind of feels worth it for the sake of two hours a week. Maybe that is selfish though.

I think the thing I’ve come to realise over the last few months is DH won’t change on this, I can’t change him, I can only change me. So I have to work out what’s best and affordable for me, if that makes sense.

Sounds luck you aren’t in a genuine partnership sadly.

Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:07

I don’t think it can. And yes - I do just sort of consider things in the context on my own.

OP posts:
sunshine244 · 29/12/2024 16:07

Oh wont share his money and make it a family pot. So the only fair way to rectify things is to charge him for the things you are doing when you aren't able to work - childcare, cooking, housework etc.

But I expect he wouldn't pay. Which leads me to think you're not in a suppprtivr marriage but two people living together but fending for yourselves.

Can this change?

Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:06

readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 16:02

If you worked full time would you earn more than your husband?

No, if I was full time I’d be on just under £50,000.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 16:04

@NoSquirrels i think this is where I’m being a bit selfish. So if I was to drop a day, five hours, I’d start an hour later 3 days a week so 3 hours. I could just keep it like that. But I could also drop the remaining two hours and finish early two days a week. It would mean DS only had to do one day after school club. But also mean I could go home at half one, start the dinner. Do some housework, keep on top of things a bit more. Then go to get children.

It kind of feels worth it for the sake of two hours a week. Maybe that is selfish though.

I think the thing I’ve come to realise over the last few months is DH won’t change on this, I can’t change him, I can only change me. So I have to work out what’s best and affordable for me, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/12/2024 16:04

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:56

Thanks, yeah, my main worry is potentially putting myself in a vulnerable position but I do think it is probably the best option.

It’s not potentially putting yourself in a vulnerable position, it is absolutely putting yourself in a vulnerable position, as you’re also sacrificing long-term pension etc and are at risk of going into debt if you’re covering all childcare and family food and children’s expenses on a reduced income.

BUT. You’re doing it with your eyes wide open. So you just need to convince yourself it’s worth these sacrifices, over tackling the inequality with a series of rows or whatever.

If you’re already rowing over money, though … ?

readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 16:02

If you worked full time would you earn more than your husband?

Calmhappyandhealthy · 29/12/2024 16:00

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:57

He would never do this.

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I thought you'd say that

And THERE is the issue imo

YOU do all the juggling and it's better for the children if you work fewer hours for a while

But HE won't help you financially

What is the answer (my answer is to get rid of him)

Bearhunt468 · 29/12/2024 15:59

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:57

He would never do this.

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That's ridiculous that he would rather see his wife and children suffer and keep pocketing his own money..that's not a marriage. Tbh you say your be better if you split - Id be looking at that route unless he is prepared to actually be a team! That's what marriage and being parents is about!

JHound · 29/12/2024 15:59

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:31

But realistically, it is and it will. I think this is where the posts making out I am just a bit leechy are not really fair.

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Anybody who thinks you are a “bit leechy” is a nob head. The family is supported by paid and u paid work. It seems like your current paid work model makes your involvement in unpaid work very difficult. So reducing your paid hours seems logical but you need to discuss that with your partner.
The comment about it “not impacting him” is a problem as it is his family so it needs to impact him.

Bring him into the decision making process.

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2024 15:57

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:49

After school isn’t too bad and I can work that, it’s before. After school is until 415. I finish at 3, so I can leave at half past and easily get to the school by 4.

Ah, OK. I thought you’d said you’d need to finish earlier too so both ends of the day shortened. Is there no way you can just not be timetabled on first period over your 3 days? Do you generally not have any free periods at all working just 3 days? Is there any possibility you could make up those periods on an extra half day, thus only need DD in nursery for an extra half day too?

Poppins21 · 29/12/2024 15:57

iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:52

He doesn’t really support it or otherwise @Poppins21 . It doesn’t really affect him either way; I’m the only one is affects.

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I think as other have said you need to have an honest and frank discussion about family finances. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:57

Calmhappyandhealthy · 29/12/2024 15:55

Pool ALL the family money.....DH and yours and make sure you both have enough

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He would never do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanttoworktwodays · 29/12/2024 15:56

Thanks, yeah, my main worry is potentially putting myself in a vulnerable position but I do think it is probably the best option.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 29/12/2024 15:56

I can’t see the issue here

Just reduce your hours and be done with it

You said it doesn’t affect him and you are doing all chores/working pt/managing the kids