To go part time when finances aren’t great?

I don’t think what I earn makes a blind bit of difference to DH.

Except for when you have to ask him to contribute to groceries, or towards his own son’s birthday party.

I’m sorry you’re having to live like that, and you must be exhausted by it.

He’s not a generous man. The man you ‘knew’ before was a fiction because it’s easy to be generous if you don’t have grown-up responsibilities, just a girlfriend or partner with her own independent means.

You know that’s the issue, and belabouring the point won’t help.

In terms of what you do next, I suspect sticking at 3 days but working over 4 is probably the best option in both the short and medium term, until you can regroup and see what’s next after they’re both at school.

And to be fair it doesn't sound like you want a management position. I don't blame you, a tonne of extra work for very little extra money and then if you make it to SLT your 1265 protection is gone. Im also on U3 and I have no desire to take on a management role ever again.

If you reduce your hours, could you pick up a little bit of tutoring in the evenings a couple of days a week to make up for the lost income?

Look I am sorry if it made you feel bad, it wasn’t my intention- I was just trying to make you see in stark terms what your life will be like for the foreseeable if you don’t address this behaviour.

You do realise that he’ll probably start with the outbursts about mundane spending/ financial guilt tripping with the kids pretty soon too? Kids are incredibly perceptive with their parents, you won’t be able to shield them and they’ll be walking on eggshells too. I know a family with a dad like this, one kid came to me in tears begging to buy them a new ice cream because they dropped theirs and they knew their dad would go mental about the waste of money. Mum was worse than useless, pretending that all was happy families. The child had severe anxiety now.

I think (hopefully) this thread has shown you you have far bigger problems than choosing whether to go more part time.
What do you actually want long term?
You say you can't raise things or talk about finances....What forever? How are you going to plan your futures? This is madness.... Really?
You'll end up financially and emotionally fucked....
So.... Better to get a grip now.
Would a divorce jolt the idiot into some kind of space where he'd contemplate the ridiculousness of this current situation? Couples therapy?....
What would you say to a friend relaying this scenario? Honestly? It's completely ludicrous and no amount of "yeah but..."negates it. You can't talk or plan about the basic fundamentals of paying for food/childcare.. You can't talk about work life balance/roles/parenting. It's not a relationship it's a fiction. I'm so sorry op but you and your children deserve so so much better and I'm so very sorry that you've managed to be hoodwinked into thinking this is acceptable.

They might not though.... one reliable person would be all you'd need. They're not random once you know them.

Is there a TA at the school who could ever cover that 30 minutes if they did let you down? Presumably it does occasionally happen that a teacher is late?

Right. I haven't read every single post because it's too painful.

In your circumstances I would find and employ someone or a range of people to do the school drop offs 3 days a week - sounds like you only need someone to cover about 30 minutes a day, max an hour. If that would be impossible on current income, I would get something- anything - on one of my non working days to raise some extra cash (probably a domestic cleaning job or something, 2 hours once a week).

I'd ask local friends/other parents if they would do it. I'd go to a childminder if I had to.

If that didn't work, I'd have asked my mum.

And then I would start to consider how the fuck my life got this way. But given my past history, I don't think I'd have left.

Yes I think I have to agree. Bringing it back to the original question if you really want to reduce your earning capacity when you’ve got a husband who goes mental when you ask him to buy some coffee for his own parents and apparently not enough in savings to pay for a couple of nights in an Airbnb then go for it.

why are you asking a 2nd time then?

You obviously already know everyting. Do what you like.

I’m also a teacher and in the last three weeks I’ve seen a 55 year old become assistant head, a 50 year old become assistant head and a 44 year old become department lead. I myself am finding I get passed over for those with more years (I have plenty of experience), so I think you’re looking at this all wrong. In this job, if you’re good and driven you won’t get passed by. I suspect you’re conflating ageism with a lack of drive; all the best professionals I know are hugely committed and of varying ages. But, that’s off topic.

I think you’re being defeatist about your job but I get that you’re in the trenches regarding the ages of your children. Your husband complaining about handing over his card to buy coffee when he earns 90k is madness. How do you think he’d be if you earned more and shouldered the financial burden to a further degree? Would he be more inclined to split things, or would his attitude be the same?

So I’ve just done a back of a fag packet list of expenses per month for my kids (I have 3, so obviously if you’re only ever going to have 2, just do 2/3)

Swimming lessons £400
Piano/ violin £250
Tutoring (Maths, the eldest missed approx 2 years of school because of Covid) £200
Brownies/ cubs £30
After school clubs (sports, art, choir- 3 days) £50
Uniform £30 (probably mostly in September)
Dinner money £90 (eldest gets £15 a week which covers 3 meals, younger 2 about £50 per term each)

Thats £1050 without the food shop (which is easily another £800 across the month), activities, any treats like a meal out and things like birthday presents, holidays, bikes, books etc. And the petrol I spend ferrying the kids around!

Obviously you don’t have to do all of this but I just don’t think that you putting an extra £750 in the pot is going to change things so dramatically that this situation will improve.

I am your age (44) and am currently going for promotion and see people going for promotion everyday. You are convincing yourself of something that is not true.

Maybe your expenses will be less (I guess but at the very least I’d suggest working it out.

Have you really nowhere you can go- family, friends? Or just pay for an airbnb for a few days/ a week. I’m not thinking about months just enough for him to take you seriously as whatever is happening at the moment isn’t working.

Or, if you don’t want to leave, have you stopped ALL wife work for him. You cook for you and the kids. You don’t do his washing. No admin. No visiting his family. You make yourself scarce at the weekends with a new hobby etc without the kids or just with the youngest for a day. Give him a taste of the single life.

Have you walked out with the kids for a few days? If you speak but don’t act he’s not taking you seriously.

I pay much more for my kids than £750 a month. Swimming lessons alone are nearly £400. Then there’s piano, after school clubs, dinner money, clothes, pocket money, school supplies etc. You’re mad if you think that’s going to solve it.