To go part time when finances aren’t great?

what do you want?
Do you want me to say ‘great, I’m leaving.’ If I decided to call time on the marriage, I’d need to see a solicitor first which I would need money for. I’d also need a plan in place. Now is not the right time even if I was absolutely positive I wanted to end things which I’m not.

I don’t want anything from you. My post was literally saying you don’t need any more advice on it being a DH problem. I was supporting you in your assertion that it isn’t going to change now.

She knows it’s a DH problem. That’s not news to her.

She’s just not prepared to deal with it yet.

All the steps you outline won’t work: pool finances (he won’t: financial abuse); choose a different school or childcare arrangement (she won’t, she’s prioritising the DC in this sense, there are arguments contra to this but not useful to go into tbh); be clear about why she’s working less - she’s been crystal clear, she’s prioritising mental health over finances.

OP doesn’t want to keep hearing her husband is an arsehole - that’s not going to change. Alas, he’s probably going to continue to actually be an arsehole so eventually something (hopefully!) will change. But not soon.

@iwanttoworktwodays
I was in a worse predicament than you but my only advantage was my children were older. Everything you have written I could have written myself. Only you know what is possible for you and you DC. I needed money but my DH was exactly like your DH. I took matter in my own hands and got a part time job. I quickly realised I needed to work full-time so I can be self sufficient and I have been doing that. It breaks my heart to drop youngest DC to breakfast club but at the same time I know I can provide for them independently if DH decides to mess around and he knows this because without asking he has started giving me money to spent on DC expenses. I learnt to drive and he decided to buy me a car without be asking.I enjoy saying yes to DC wants because I don't have to negotiate or explain my spending. I know it might be a difficult for you for 2 years but boy are you going to come out of it stronger than you are. Your DC will grow in no time. I wish you all that I would want for myself and more.x

What exactly is it you are after as all of your posts just seem to be pushing back at any and every advice.

Do you just want to vent? It seems like both maintaining your current hours and reducing them will increase stress of a certain form (either less money or less able to do the childcare) and you cannot speak to your husband you say (even though it is meant to be a partnership) so what is it you want?

I won't propose any of the other good suggestions PP have made, given how they've been received and where you are with your DH.

In your situation I wouldn't reduce my hours. See if you can do the same hours across 4 days instead.

It sounds like the working hours aren't the OP's actual problem or solution, but her home life and mindset, where she can't take the actions that would need to be taken to solve the problem:

• pool finances, making sure there's no false division where the childcare costs always end up being paid by the woman while the man pays the 'serious' bills and therefore feels he's the big boss and the woman's domain is housework and keeping childcare costs down.
• choose a different school or childcare arrangement that allows you to get to work on time
• be clear about why you want to work less - is it to get your kids to school on time or is it to "start the dinner early and do some housework"

Honestly OP, you have a DH problem. Changing your working hours won't make your home life happier. Don't expect him to thank you for starting dinner earlier or running the hoover round a couple of extra times.

And once you're in a happier place at home, you might feel you have the headspace to engage with work a bit more. Even if the monetary reward isn't immediate, the extra pension and self-esteem/satisfaction might come in handy later in life. You can get promoted if you want to. And you can find a childcare arrangement that allows you to come out from under your DH's yoke.

This is only going to improve if you stand your ground with your husband and insist on ALL family expenses being split 50/50. This might not work out in your favour if you have a massive mortgage and high energy bills though - my DH & I each put the same amount into a joint account every month and more than half of it goes on the mortgage, council tax, gas, electric & internet bills - and we have a smallish mortgage. If you are paying £750 for childcare plus food shop for 2 adults & 2 young kids plus clothes & days out that could easily be less than mortgage plus bills. But you need to know- and if you're on the mortgage that's an easy one to find out about via the bank, and council tax is a known quantity. If you don't even know which bank the mortgage is with and how much is owed that's seriously worrying.

Could you work inbetween 2-3 days. So 0.5?And arrange that your PPA slot is done at home? So get the childcare but not drop as many hours?

it is a shame your income and pension is sacrificed due to DH having zero role with the childcare.

And never EVER post about teaching on AIBU! By tomorrow morning there’ll be 10 pages of anger aimed at you about everything from fines to haircuts to people musing if it wouldn’t just be better if teachers weren’t allowed to have children themselves so they could dedicate themselves more to their ‘vocation’ .

Have you tried posting in the staffroom section or Reddit uk teaching?

Aw mate. Wishing you all the best. I’m a teacher with just one 3 year old and I am BROKEN 😂.

Would you be able to do 0.5? Not much between that and 0.6 take home pay wise.

Could you just miss form time and not a whole hour?

Alternatively there is always exam marking?

It might be that once he does start at school you will find a friendly mum who will do a swap for 7.30-8am in exchange for some holiday cover, or picking up their child after school.

I’ve decided to trade short term cash shortages for time with my child. An old HOD said to me when she retired that the one thing she really regretted was not spending enough time with her kids when they were small (you were either full time or didn’t work in those days).

Equally though, do you really want to look back at the most precious times with your children and remember you were walking on eggshells the whole time? Is he actually a nice Dad?

If it’s money - fuck that. How big is your house? How expensive are your cars that it’s worth feeling so miserable about?

Yup. Two kids here, and despite them being much older, there’s no way I can match the time and enthusiasm I was able to put into my previous HoD+ roles I had before they were born. The money is not remotely worth the extra work (especially as pension contribution % goes up, plus the tax) - the ~£90 a month doesn’t even pay for the takeaway on a Friday because I’m exhausted!!

What a miserable existence.

Spending your life like this is no way to live, much less exposing your children in their formative years to domestic violence. (I wish it were different but that’s what it is.)

Walking on eggshells and rowing the boat single handedly for years would have ground you down. I would bet anything that even working full time and parenting the kids alone would be much better and you’d have much more energy than existing the way you are now.

please do reach out to women’s aid or your local equivalent.

In that case I think you cut back on your spending. He should be on board with that as he's worried about financial anyway.

The kids don't need expensive swimming lessons etc. take them yourself on a weekend. Buy basic jacket potatoes etc as meals - cheap food can still be nutritional sound for the kids.

If you post your outgoings here people will help you cut down.

Save all the cash you can into an account he doesn't know about. You'll need it later.

I think many secondary schools are much more flexible than just 0.2/0.4/0.6/0.8 (especially now teachers are not so easy to come by). As long as the lessons are covered, people who don’t need a full timetable filled are actually great for the budget - no need to pay for them to be having extra frees! I’ve worked 0.75 spread evenly over 4 days (it suited me to have extra frees in my day at the time). I currently have colleagues who work very part time to plug gaps in our staffing (I think 0.35) and because they don’t particularly need/want more hours.

How long have you been together and how long has he been like this? Did you get married and/or have kids quickly?

This.
You're wrong to think your children aren't affected. They are learning about relationships from you.

You sound very grounded down and in a cycle of thinking nothing can change. Talking it through with someone in real life might help?

Are you actually married?

Just checking as sometimes people say DH but don't mean it legally.

Your relationship sounds shit. This isn't the way it should be. He should WANT to work together to find the best family balance. The fact that he doesn't suggests he's a poor partner and father.

You'd probably be better off without him in more ways that just finances.

If your oh is emotionally abusive than the walking on eggshells is likely to only get worse as the children get older and have more strong views. It is naive to think than someone who will shout at you because HIS parents need coffee won't also be emotionally abusive to the children. It's also naive to assume your children won't pick up on his behaviour from an early age.

Please speak to womens aid. This isn't normal behaviour he's showing.