Page 12 | Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

WateryBottle · 29/12/2024 18:19

It sounds like you went to a lot of effort OP, and I wouldn’t worry it means she doesn’t like you or won’t want to come back! Such comments always sound worse when reported by a third party. I’m sure she had a lovely time and appreciated your hospitality.

My only comment going forwards is I think it’s good hosting to ask people what they want to drink. Obviously I don’t think you have to have every single option available, but sloe gin fizz would not be my thing at all. Possibly you could have offered another option, normal Prosecco or a gin and tonic? Also was red wine the only option when you said you opened two bottles? I think having a few drinks available and asking people what they want rather than just opening something and expecting people to drink that particular drink is preferable.

BerriesCones · 29/12/2024 18:19

Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 18:17

Won't say but there are several. It's not about abundance as much as timing though.

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Why not?

fatphalange · 29/12/2024 18:19

I'd think that either she or your brother (whichever actually used the word) thinks that 'abstemious' means the opposite of what it means!

Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 18:17

BerriesCones · 29/12/2024 18:17

Which country are you talking about?

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Won't say but there are several. It's not about abundance as much as timing though.

BerriesCones · 29/12/2024 18:17

Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 18:15

Yes those long lunches are at 12 in schools and workplaces break up at 12 for lunch at 12.30 ish. My family eats at 12.30 when together. 1 on Christmas day.

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Which country are you talking about?

Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 18:15

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 18:11

What do you mean by "continental"? What country are you from? I tend to think of Mediterranean countries when I think of that word (I know it doesn't necessarily mean Mediterranean) and I've never heard of or seen any familiies in Spain, Greece, Italy, France etc sitting down to a big dinner at 12pm. I know they like long lunches and the main meal of the day is traditionally lunchtime, or was when siesta time was standard.

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Yes those long lunches are at 12 in schools and workplaces break up at 12 for lunch at 12.30 ish. My family eats at 12.30 when together. 1 on Christmas day.

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/12/2024 18:12

What's their idea of a fun Xmas day then?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 18:11

Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 18:07

I think the main issue is waiting until 3. It sounds like there were only a few bites per person at 1.
I would have had festive breakfast, Christmas dinner at 1.30 at the very latest, light tea around 7.

But then I'm continental and hard wired to have the main meal at midday. I would have been crying tears of starvation not eating until 3 (my normal is 12) but would probably have disgraced myself eating all the canapés and asking for chocolates to tie me over.

And if I had waited until 3 I would then have wanted another light meal later in the evening, I don't survive either on just one meal a day.

I definitely would have offered snacks on arrival with the hot drinks too but i realise a lot of people have a better ability to postpone meals. My DH's family abroad often don't eat until 2/3 and I just can't do it. I ask for food at 12 or 1 and they are fine with it (I'm not allowed near the kitchen to cook myself!)

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What do you mean by "continental"? What country are you from? I tend to think of Mediterranean countries when I think of that word (I know it doesn't necessarily mean Mediterranean) and I've never heard of or seen any familiies in Spain, Greece, Italy, France etc sitting down to a big dinner at 12pm. I know they like long lunches and the main meal of the day is traditionally lunchtime, or was when siesta time was standard.

WestwardHo1 · 29/12/2024 18:10

Sounds lovely OP.

My Christmas was just me and my 77 yo mum. We got up about ten, then went for a long walk in the fog, had a picnic on a bench then came home and had dinner on our laps in front of the TV. Didn't touch a drop of booze, as I'd gone out with my mates on the 23rd and overdid it so was still felling ropey. Didn't even have presents!

I wonder what your brother's GF would make of that 😁

MrsJoanDanvers · 29/12/2024 18:09

She was rude. If you go to someone’s house and they make an effort, the only words are ‘it was lovely.’

Mrburnshound · 29/12/2024 18:09

I host every year (so i can run the day as i prefer lol), i think you needed a choice of drinks and i personally offer top ups until the guests have had enough. My family are not big drinkers at all but i still make sure i they have options on what and how much to drink.

Your christmas seems quite reserved, which is fine but it's fine for the GF to point that out. Less fine for DB to pass it on!

iwentjasonwaterfalls · 29/12/2024 18:07

Surely if you know you need a certain drink or food to enjoy Christmas, you'd bring it yourself rather than taking the risk?

We have no alcohol in the house (DH is teetotal, I can't drink for medical reasons). If guests want alcohol, they bring their own. Ours was a very "abstemious" Christmas, send her here next year to get some perspective 🤣

LlynTegid · 29/12/2024 18:07

Hope no-one was driving home afterwards.

Not abstemious in my opinion, but good to know an English teacher has a choice of words.

Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 18:07

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 17:23

Presumably everyone had breakfast. OP said there were nibbles and canapes at 1pm. Full Christmas Dinner at 3pm. Christmas pudding and chocolate log. In my experience it takes AGES. No-one rushes Christmas dinner. Lots of laughter, chatter, pulling crackers, jokes, passing of food. Everyeone is stuffed afterwards. More than at a usual Sunday roast dinner. I bet it would have been 5pm ish by the time the table was getting cleared.

The chocolates were probably getting passed round later on. OP also said an offer to open more wine, or bring out the port or Baileys was turned down as everyone said they were full, so had teas and coffees instead. If anyone is seriously wanting a full on other main meal at 9pm then they've got a problem and could go home to their own house after cheese and crackers in OP's and cook it!

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I think the main issue is waiting until 3. It sounds like there were only a few bites per person at 1.
I would have had festive breakfast, Christmas dinner at 1.30 at the very latest, light tea around 7.

But then I'm continental and hard wired to have the main meal at midday. I would have been crying tears of starvation not eating until 3 (my normal is 12) but would probably have disgraced myself eating all the canapés and asking for chocolates to tie me over.

And if I had waited until 3 I would then have wanted another light meal later in the evening, I don't survive either on just one meal a day.

I definitely would have offered snacks on arrival with the hot drinks too but i realise a lot of people have a better ability to postpone meals. My DH's family abroad often don't eat until 2/3 and I just can't do it. I ask for food at 12 or 1 and they are fine with it (I'm not allowed near the kitchen to cook myself!)

WombatChocolate · 29/12/2024 18:06

Abstemious isn’t necessarily a criticism. She might be used to loads of boozing through the day. It could be a positive comparison!

And again, the gf didn’t tell Op this. The brother unhelpfully reported the comment. One wonders why he chose to do this esp as Op seems very sensitive.

Its perfectly poss to recognise the dat as a bit different to what you’re used to and enjoy it too.

All of might found other people’s christmases unappealing or at least different to what we’re used to. Most of us could enjoy most alternating versions and are flexible enough to do that.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 18:02

ShowOfHands · 29/12/2024 17:47

We had a very similar set up with me and dh, our dc (13 and 17), my parents (late 60s), my brother and his newish girlfriend and my nieces (16 and 15).

DB and his newish squeeze described the day as "wholesome"!

I didn't provide any alcohol at all. The rule is that people bring their own. I cook everything and I go to great lengths to make sure there are multiple starters, various stuffings, 8 veg options, 3 meats, vegan options, multiple puddings, nibbles and buffet options into late afternoon and evening and so on. I buy lots of soft drinks options and have ice and garnishes but if you want to drink, you need to bring your own.

I probably am abstemious (completely dry actually) but would be gutted if this were the thing people judged my hosting on.

As long as people know this in advance I don't see the issue. I would want to bring a chilled bottle of fizz as wouldn't enjoy it at room temperature so I'd like to have a bit of notice to chill it. I would never be so rude as to expect you to get some wine in for your guests if you're a dry household. But I think I'd allso want to know the reason why. Because if you were an ex alcoholic or had trauma issues from an abusive alcoholic parent growing up then I'd hate to put you in that position and would much rather abstain myself for the day so that you wouldn't be uncomfortable.

RaininSummer · 29/12/2024 18:01

I think you go with the flow if spending Christmas with another family. If you really want or need particular things to make it nice then you should take them with enough to share. I don't drink wine other than with the dinner and don't like fizz but would have made a cup of tea or taken my own spirits and mixers. It is nice if the host has considered ice however.

BlueSky2023 · 29/12/2024 17:58

romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 13:36

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

I think your day sounded lovely, maybe she was expecting to spend the day getting really drunk but I personally don’t think that’s what Christmas Day is for, if you want to get drunk do it on Boxing Day / St Stephens day, I see Christmas day as a family day.

nam3c4ang3 · 29/12/2024 17:57

Every family does it differently right - we start at 8am with Buck’s Fizz, cinnamon rolls etc then have egg nogg and lots of nibbles through the day, dinner is 3pm and we have turkey, beef and gammon with all the sides, cheese at about 9pm with port etc - your Christmas sounds great.

crouchendtigerr · 29/12/2024 17:55

Wow, what an awful woman your brothers gf is.
Fwiw, I had one glass three glasses of wine over the whole day and didn't have anything before 3pm.
Ds1 (22) and his lovely gf had none because he was driving to his gf's in the evening, and think he didn't drink there because her family don't drink.
Teens had one wine each.
She's lucky she didn't come to mine

OnePeppyDenimHelper · 29/12/2024 17:54

It sounds lovely, it could a throw away comment referring to drinking too much in the past.

Juicey1992 · 29/12/2024 17:53

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 17:35

You could start a whole other thread on this. I find it interesting that so many people say they don't know what the word means yet claim to be a writer or author or do a lot of reading. Even if I wouldn't assume that the person only wrote/read chic lit, I probably WOULD assume that they've never read any classics. And in all honestly I would assume that they hadn't read very widely as even if you had never come across that word before you could use your knowledge of a word that you HAD come across before like abstain, absention, abstinence,to gather what the meaning most likely is.

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I absolutely could take a stab at what the word meant - but what would be the point in doing that, when I can Google and know for definite what it means? It was merely a comment that it is not a word that exists in my personal sphere.

My Husband is a science fiction author and hadn't come across the word either.

Lassofnorth · 29/12/2024 17:52

romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 13:36

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

Sounds perfect to me !

WombatChocolate · 29/12/2024 17:51

The problem is that brother fed back the girlfriend’s private comment to Op.

The comment wasn’t made to Op. Couples have private conversations and say things which are intended for each others’ ears only. Such a comment could easily have been observation of f difference to what she’s used to, not criticism.

Perhaps Op asked brother how gf had found Christmas?? Perhaps Heather volunteered the comment?? The way brother reported it led to Op feeling criticised and this thread. Perhaps Op is overly sensitive?? Perhaps the doesn’t like the new gf?? Either way, it would have been better for brother not to report the comment. I hope he also said ‘she said she had a lovely day’ - wouldn’t be surprised at all if she said this - but Op omitted it.

Maybe brother is desperate to impress new gf. Perhaps he’s been made starry eyed by her seeming sophistication re cocktails etc and the old usual family Christmas doesn’t seem exotic?? Those leaving the family nest can become critical of the home traditions when they experience different stuff.

Who knows really. But brother didn’t help by relating the comment.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 17:50

Hwi · 29/12/2024 17:18

1.5 bottles of champagne for 9 people? Seriously? That is not abstemious, that is I don't know what.

Also, you don't offer to open more bottles when you have guests, you open them and start pouring, when you notice that somebody did not finish their wine, only then do you realise that the person really did not want any more.

Same goes for food. You keep serving and topping up until you genuinely notice people are full to capacity.

I know, it is tiresome, expensive, and boring, but you decided to invite them yourself, nobody forced anyone.

I'm not always wanting to be topped up though. It makes it very hard to know what I've already had, and to pace myself. I once made a total fool of myself at a party where I didn't know many people because DH's colleage sitting at our table just kept topping me up. I had no idea how much I was drinking because I never saw the level on my glass get any lower, and I was quite nervous with people I didn't know, making small talk and eating the food so was just sipping without even being conscious of it.

So I am wary of topping people up automatically. I will always ask "do you want me to just top you up or do you prefer to do it yourself?"