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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think 41 is too old to have a baby.

131 replies

Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 10:45

Hi MN, I’m 41. I have 24 YO DD. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. When we got together I was quite clear very early on I I didn’t want any more children, ( I nearly died last time and would not put myself through that again) which he was fine with. Subject has never come up again until now. Quite a lot of our friends have been having kids at 38-42 ish so our group have been asking when we will. So he’s now asking if we should. My stance remains unchanged. I like my life as it is. Those of our friends who have had kids at this age are knackered and seem to have aged 10 years over night. For me the thought of doing that now is nuts.

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 29/12/2024 11:32

I had my third at 41 but at the time my older two were preschoolers. No way would I have a child at 41 if I already had an adult child. So I can completely see why youdon't want to repeat your parenting journey.

YouMeandBrie · 29/12/2024 11:30

I know people who have but for me personally, it would be too old. Each to their own though.

stayathomer · 29/12/2024 11:27

First answer nailed it- is only too old for you because you have committed to not having another- for a first time mother or someone who feels ready for another I think it’s ok as long as they’re in good health

doodleschnoodle · 29/12/2024 11:27

First post nailed it.

Didntask · 29/12/2024 11:26

ueberlin2030 · 29/12/2024 10:58

If you don't want a child then you don't want a child - you don't have to justify it!

This.

I had a baby at 40. All planned etc. I don't think I was too old. The main point is, I wanted the baby. It doesn't sound like you want anymore, regardless of how old you are.

Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 11:25

StockingFillers · 29/12/2024 11:21

For me, it's not so much about having a baby in your 40s but having a teenager at 60! I don't think it's fair on either party.

Only have another if you both want one, not because you think you should or your DH is feeling left out!

Agreed. This is where age plays a relevant factor for me, as a teenager I had a mum who was 60, it’s not fun.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/12/2024 11:24

My brother had his first 2 children when he was 19 and 25. Now he’s almost 50 with a 2yr old (2nd marriage, wife had no DC). He is knackered! For me, absolute no. I was 31 when I had my youngest, and now late 40’s I have a life again, no chance i’d want young DC.

newfriend05 · 29/12/2024 11:24

The thing is , your've been there done that .. but he has not ! You have every right to not want anymore children...but if he really now wants a child of his own he has a right too .

Fleur405 · 29/12/2024 11:23

No it is not too old to have a baby. But if you don’t want a baby at 41 (or 31 or 21) then you shouldn’t have one.

LivelyHare · 29/12/2024 11:23

No, blow that. You’ve been 100% honest and clear from the start, so he has no right to want to change matters.

StarCourt · 29/12/2024 11:23

@Newtothisplace it's nothing to do with age it's to do with what you do or don't want

OrangutanDaisies · 29/12/2024 11:23

Yes too old. Having a teen in your 60s can't be fun. Your kids probably not having grandparents.

StockingFillers · 29/12/2024 11:21

For me, it's not so much about having a baby in your 40s but having a teenager at 60! I don't think it's fair on either party.

Only have another if you both want one, not because you think you should or your DH is feeling left out!

OliviaBenson101 · 29/12/2024 11:20

AfterMystery · 29/12/2024 11:01

As a child of an older parent (they were early 40s, I am now the same age, personally in my experience it is too old. It's horrible dealing with ageing parents who need help with everything (care/carers, appointments, household things, dealing with illness, dementia) when you are in your 30s and 40s and trying to live your life. They're too old/unwell to help with grandchildren and need so much help.

You never know what life is going to deal. I just lost my mum to advanced dementia and I am 45. She was diagnosed six years ago - she had me at 25. When she was 40 she developed serious heart disease, I was 15. On the other hand I have friends who have parents who are in their late 80s and fitter than I am.

Age ain't nothing but a number.

That said, it's personal choice and we all have our own limits.

Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 11:17

KezzaMucklowe · 29/12/2024 11:00

I hear you op. Although for me it the stage of my life rather than my age - but it just feels more like I'm too old because I've already been there done that and want to move on now.
I'm 44 and wouldn't entertain another now.
I don't think I'd even date a person who had young children tbh.
Like I said though, it's my stage of life that's just linked to my age.
Definitely don't do anything you don't want to.

That’s a great way to look at it.

OP posts:
DarkAndTwisties · 29/12/2024 11:15

Your age is far less relevant than the fact that you just don't want another baby.

Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 11:15

vincettenoir · 29/12/2024 10:55

You are clear about what you want and that’s a very good thing. It must be annoying that your DH is bringing this all up now. But I would just hold his hand through this wobble as patiently as you can.

It is annoying. But yes will hold his hand through this wobble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 11:13

AfterMystery · 29/12/2024 11:01

As a child of an older parent (they were early 40s, I am now the same age, personally in my experience it is too old. It's horrible dealing with ageing parents who need help with everything (care/carers, appointments, household things, dealing with illness, dementia) when you are in your 30s and 40s and trying to live your life. They're too old/unwell to help with grandchildren and need so much help.

As the child of an older parent also (mum was 41 when she had me), I’ve seen it from that side as well.

OP posts:
crackfoxy · 29/12/2024 11:12

AfterMystery · 29/12/2024 11:01

As a child of an older parent (they were early 40s, I am now the same age, personally in my experience it is too old. It's horrible dealing with ageing parents who need help with everything (care/carers, appointments, household things, dealing with illness, dementia) when you are in your 30s and 40s and trying to live your life. They're too old/unwell to help with grandchildren and need so much help.

And this is why I have my view.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 29/12/2024 11:12

I’m having my first at 42 (after many losses) and we’re overjoyed. But if you have a kid and you don’t want more that’s your call, whatever your age tbh!

TwinkleLights24 · 29/12/2024 11:11

Way too old for me but I had mine very young.

crackfoxy · 29/12/2024 11:11

I think it's too old but that's my own opinion.

ABigBarofChocolate · 29/12/2024 11:10

I'm not quite 40 yet but would love another child. I'm a bit slower physically than I once was but children are my life. It would be around 40 I think I'd be having another as we need to move house first. If you don't want to though, I wouldn't do it. It's you that needs to go through the pregnancy and the birth and probably most of the sleepless nights.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2024 11:08

If you don't want a child you don't want a child; that is fine.

Equally, if he is broody and he really does want a child, then sadly, this could be something you and he can't get past. It happens.

I am stereotyping slightly, and I may be off the mark here, but I would wonder whether or not he knows much about the practicalities of having a baby. There is a huge difference between looking at someone else's cute baby, and actually going through the process of having one (especially if you had a hard time last time). Also (and I'm 40 and TTC), the process of conceiving at 40 can be perfectly fine, and it can also be an absolute shit-show. IME, men are often less aware than women that 'having a baby' doesn't just mean rocking up with a cute newborn - it might also mean miscarrying, or damaging your health permanently, or having to make hard decisions around termination for medical reasons, or all sorts of other really difficult things.

And even if it could be 100% guaranteed that you'd sail through conception, labour and delivery and have the most adorable baby ever, the fact that you don't want to do it is justification enough not to.

I just think what you shouldn't expect is for him to swallow down his feelings of broodiness if they are genuine. Sadly, disagreements about wanting or not wanting a baby are big; they're something relationships do not always survive.

Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 11:07

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 29/12/2024 10:51

That's what I thought, too, how juvenile.

Show quote history

That’s what’s brought the conversation up yes. I can’t imagine him taking care of a baby/toddler. He won’t even walk the dogs without me going.

OP posts: