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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think 41 is too old to have a baby.

131 replies

Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 10:45

Hi MN, I’m 41. I have 24 YO DD. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. When we got together I was quite clear very early on I I didn’t want any more children, ( I nearly died last time and would not put myself through that again) which he was fine with. Subject has never come up again until now. Quite a lot of our friends have been having kids at 38-42 ish so our group have been asking when we will. So he’s now asking if we should. My stance remains unchanged. I like my life as it is. Those of our friends who have had kids at this age are knackered and seem to have aged 10 years over night. For me the thought of doing that now is nuts.

OP posts:
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SnoopySantaPaws · 29/12/2024 21:28

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2024 16:28

I think you’re a bit over sensitive there! I’m not lecturing you, I’m expanding on the point! Anyone who wants to can easily see the quote history.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

Show quote history

I feel fine today thanks!

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Mydogisamassivetwat · 29/12/2024 16:32

I had my last at 40

I’m almost 45 now. I’ve got 22 year old, 10 year old and a 4 year old.

They all adore each other.

I’ve always been knackered and impatient, even in my 20s, so having one at 40 was no different to me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2024 16:28

SnoopySantaPaws · 29/12/2024 14:26

Which is what I said, so why are you lecturing me?

why not address the person I quoted??

Show quote history

I think you’re a bit over sensitive there! I’m not lecturing you, I’m expanding on the point! Anyone who wants to can easily see the quote history.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/12/2024 15:05

@OliviaBenson101 yeah, definitely. My Nan was from Ireland and lived there so they weren't in the war technically. But it's very interesting to hear it was quite common, I can see why now.

Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 14:29

@TheFormidableMrsC thats shitty of him. Aside from it being a no from me a long time ago I don’t think he’d pull his weight even if it was a yes.

OP posts:
wickerlady · 29/12/2024 14:29

I have a 19 yo and have had a baby this year at 40 with my husband (not the same dad).

It's been the most amazing experience this time around and it was the best decision.

Contemplating trying for another in the next couple of years so I'll be a good 42.

OliviaBenson101 · 29/12/2024 14:27

BobbyBiscuits · 29/12/2024 12:14

@OliviaBenson101 wow, thank you. I'm really surprised by that. I always thought it was less common, because I thought back then women married younger and had kids quite quickly if they could. How much of that was the woman's choice I don't know.
Thank you for enlightening me. 😄

It might not have been "choice", could have been down to lack of contraception etc. Or also men being away during the war and then coming back.

SnoopySantaPaws · 29/12/2024 14:26

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2024 11:44

Well yes, of course he’s entitled to want it.

But the options you set out are correct.

What he’s not entitled to do is go on about it, try to wear the OP down etc. If he can’t just accept it, it’s up to him to initiate divorce, not leave it to her to realise things are over after months/ years of weedling etc

Show quote history

Which is what I said, so why are you lecturing me?

why not address the person I quoted??

Ladybyrd · 29/12/2024 13:59

@TheFormidableMrsC That's unbelievably shitty of him but I suppose there's always a risk.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/12/2024 13:50

I had a baby at 42 within a long marriage after my husband suddenly decided that he wanted to be a father having never wanted children. He left me when son was 2 and no longer has contact with him because OW wanted rid. I have no regrets having my son, he's a beautiful child and I adore him but there is no doubting the whole thing dropped a bomb on my life and it will never be the same. In your situation, I wouldn't do it, no.

JHound · 29/12/2024 13:44

The problem is not age. You just don’t want another child and that is the only reason you need. I know women older than 41 happily having children and that is their decision. If you don’t want another child it really does not matter whether you are 25, 32 or 41.

You just don’t want one.

LouH1981 · 29/12/2024 13:41

I don’t think it’s too old but you know your body / mind and know if it’s something you want to put yourself through again or not.
I’m 43 and wouldn’t want to do it again for various reasons. I think you just know when that ship has sailed.

CocoPlum · 29/12/2024 13:40

MontyNojangles · 29/12/2024 10:47

41 is not too old. But for you, at 41, having described your life, I can see why you'd say it's too old for you. Having another child just doesn't fit. And that's ok.

100% this. I have friends who were early 40s having their first because that's just how life played out. I'm in my early 40s now with teens and would not want to start at the baby years again.

fisht · 29/12/2024 13:40

It's sad if you disagree but I don't think you should do it if you feel like this.

Isthisreasonable · 29/12/2024 13:36

OrangutanDaisies · 29/12/2024 11:23

Yes too old. Having a teen in your 60s can't be fun. Your kids probably not having grandparents.

Edited

@OrangutanDaisies It's absolutely fine. I go running with my dc every week, I'm still working F/T, have plenty of hobbies and a social life of my own. DC & friends keep me aware of changing trends but I don't feel the need to slavishly follow them. Plus 3 out of 4 grandparents are around and all are living independently.

GauntJudy · 29/12/2024 13:34

This is a regular topic on mumsnet isn't it. I think the only response, regardless of whether we are talking about a 23 year old or a 43 year old, is...

-Do you want to have a child?
-Are you able to have a child (emotionally, physically and financially)?

I think in the OP case the answers appear to be NO, which is fair enough.

Often these threads are depressing reads. Women judging other women for bearing children outside of someone's arbitrary idea of the "right" age. I had my son at 38, no doubt meaning his 40s will be spent shuttling me to dementia appointments and wringing his hands at the lack of competent free childcare!

I'm not laughing at people who have experienced this, but it's not always the case you know. I definitely look after myself as best as I can in the hope I have a healthy old age.

Yellowpingu · 29/12/2024 13:33

When I was 41 someone I went to school with was having her first (only) child and at the same time another of our classmates became a granny for the first time. I wouldn’t have swapped with either of them for worlds!

TheWayTheLightFalls · 29/12/2024 13:20

What everyone else said. Too old objectively? No. Too old for you in your circumstances? Yes.

I'm not yet 40 and I am D-O-N-E done with the nappies and tantrum stage. A friend had her only at gone 50 and is a fabulous mother.

Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 13:18

@Jumell I was also born to a 41 year old and personally didn’t find it fun at all for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 13:13

@Justforfun123 my grandma used to say there was no right age to have a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtothisplace · 29/12/2024 13:12

Whoarethoseguys · 29/12/2024 13:05

You are not being unreasonable to say you don't want another child. But you are being unreasonable to say 41 is too old for other people to have a child.

I don’t think 41 is too old for other people to have a child. I think it’s too old for me to have a child.

OP posts:
Jumell · 29/12/2024 13:08

My great nan her last at 47 - YABU

Whoarethoseguys · 29/12/2024 13:05

You are not being unreasonable to say you don't want another child. But you are being unreasonable to say 41 is too old for other people to have a child.

Justforfun123 · 29/12/2024 13:02

Meh people sit around debating whether the 20s or 30s are the best time to have kids. My mother had three children one born in her 10s and the other two in her 40s all of us are healthy and now adults and she's still going strong and healthy.

I guess the main argument against having a child at 41 is you wont get as long with them but you can die at any age

Jumell · 29/12/2024 13:02

NO.

I was born to a 41 year old mum

My great gran had 5 kids OVER the age of 40. There is no way I can agree with your thread title OP. YABU.