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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have believed my son?

38 replies

threeforagirlfourforaboy · 29/12/2024 07:49

Shorthand title - I am not sure how to deal with situations like that.

I took my children to a small soft play centre in a pub (wacky warehouse!) I was in the baby bit with my toddler and there were two other children in the main bit, plus my DS(4)

Next thing I know I heard a scream and one child comes out sobbing clutching his face. He was with his older sister who said my ds had hit the child in the face.

I tried to talk to DS about it but the acoustics were terrible and he clammed up so took him to the toilets and tried to find out what happened. DS adamant he hadn’t hit the child. I tried to find out if it had been an accident or a game gone wrong but all I got was that he hadn’t done it.

I didn’t want to leave purely on the say so of another child so I believed DS.

WIBU? It would be out of character but it would also be strange for another child to entirely fabricate a story. I can’t really hover over DS all the time with two of them and I wouldn’t have thought I’d have to at his age. Just wondering what others would have done.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 29/12/2024 12:04

If you reassure your kid that they wont be in any trouble, than all you are doing is letting them know that telling the truth will cause trouble.
Change the way you ask about what happened, try 'was there an accident?'

DooDooDooDooDooDooDooDoo · 29/12/2024 11:48

I think you managed it pretty well in the situation you were in.

I'd have said to the boy and his sister something like 'oh I'm sorry that happened. Are you OK now?' and then I would have asked my own child what happened just like you did.

If he did lie about it then it's understandable really as he would have known that he would have been in trouble and possibly taken home.

In the next couple of weeks, try to get in a situation where he tells you something that you can praise him for "letting you know" what happened.

I once dropped an egg in the middle of the kitchen floor right after dh had mopped just so I could say 'sorry dh, I've dropped an egg' and he could tell me it was OK and I had done the right thing by telling him so he could help because my dd was always worrying about situations like that.

zingally · 29/12/2024 11:06

The other child would have zero reason to lie, so I think you can only assume your DS did do it. In my experience, the clamming up kids do is a prime "I'm guilty" reaction.
HOWEVER, if it was very out of character for him, you can probably assume it was accidental, and he caught the other kid in the face during the general chaos that is soft play.

WheresMyChunkz · 29/12/2024 10:05

I work with 4/5year olds. It's really easy for them to 'accidentally' hit someone in the face I see it happen on the playground... Usually because they are playing a game which for some reason involves flinging their arms around and they don't pay attention to people around them. Or they are play fighting (which I do try to stop if I can get there quick enough) then seem entirely surprised when their hand makes contact with a friend's face etc and the friend gets upset.

Original poster
threeforagirlfourforaboy · 29/12/2024 08:50

@Bearbookagainandagain i would normally deal with hitting (especially a slap / punch to the face) with immediate removal.

I can’t see that he’d have just hit for the fun of it with no provocation but I can imagine him being boisterous and accidentally knocking into someone. Not sure how you’d accidentally hit someone in the face though.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 29/12/2024 08:47

Does it really matter what happened?

Unless there was an ongoing conflict with the parents or the other child, I would have just apologised on behalf of my kid (because whether or not they hit, they did upset the child), and then tell him to give space to the other kids.

And move on.
Then discuss it with my child later in at home.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2024 08:45

More likely he did do it than didn’t. Why would they make it up? Of course he will deny it.

Original poster
threeforagirlfourforaboy · 29/12/2024 08:42

I’m not saying he was definitely being honest but I think the problem for me was that if he was being honest and I didn’t believe him then that would be probably more harmful than the reverse, don’t really know though.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 29/12/2024 08:42

Sounds like he did do it actually

Diomi · 29/12/2024 08:41

Children do lie about this kind of thing as they don’t want to get told off or upset the adults. I remember lying about things as a kid, even though I was generally very well behaved. I hit a kid in the lunch queue when I was about 5 because she barged in front of me and I still remember completely denying it to the dinner lady. It is an effective strategy and kids are not stupid.

Nothelpingishard · 29/12/2024 08:02

threeforagirlfourforaboy · 29/12/2024 07:59

Yes, that’s definitely possible. And I did try to ask if that was the case but DS does clam up and shut down for want of a better word if he thinks he’s in trouble (even when reassured he won’t be.)

Yes same happens here. Works much better to address the upset in the moment and not try to resolve the mystery until things have calmed down a bit. I get a lot more sense from if I try again a few hours later or even the next day. Can't remember if it was How to talk so little kids will listen or calmer happier easier parenting but one of those spoke about acknowledging feelings 'you're worried you'd be in trouble' 'this isnt how you wanted today to go' etc to help them calm down in the moment and then return to it later at a more neutral time. Helped a lot.

Original poster
threeforagirlfourforaboy · 29/12/2024 07:59

Yes, that’s definitely possible. And I did try to ask if that was the case but DS does clam up and shut down for want of a better word if he thinks he’s in trouble (even when reassured he won’t be.)

OP posts:
Nothelpingishard · 29/12/2024 07:55

Also wouldn't have left. However is it possible your child sees hitting as a deliberate thing, and perhaps in this instance his arm/hand made contact with the other child whilst enjoying the general craziness of soft play. He may not have even registered that he 'hit' a human, but obviously the person who was struck would have noticed. Just thinking of times DD has 'kicked' me whilst swinging her legs back and forth. She's adamant she hasn't done it, because she didn't set out to kick. Had to explain that if your legs hit me then that's kicking whether you meant to or not.