To be done with DH and my marriage?

Don’t do any type of marriage counselling until DH has had an assessment for autism.
it will affect the kind of counsellor you need.
did you ever meet his dad? Autism and ADHD are highly hereditary.
do you have the money to get a good private diagnosis? And I can’t stress the good part enough. Not somewhere that diagnoses you because you’ve paid. Somewhere where they offer support and counselling for your DH alongside diagnosis.
IMHO diagnoses for your DH is step 1. If you split he is still the father of your kids and understanding his condition is key for both of you.

your kids are quite young but if your DH is ND it’s very likely that they are too.

you will need to be prepared for this.

It's his decision not to put any effort into improving things the OP has raised with him though.

You deserve to be happy too! I think you’re flogging a dead horse.

I was all ready to say stick with it and try to improve communication between you, until your last post where he won't do counselling and doesn't see an issue. If he were willing to try and improve things there might be some hope. If not then your only realistic option is to leave.

I'd suggest you revisit the counselling suggestion, making it really clear to him that you are not happy in your marriage currently, and if something doesn't change you will want to separate.
You said he was mortified and adamant that he loves you, so he should be open to counselling to work on your communication if its that or split surely?

Why does he not go and stay with her instead of her coming to you? The loneliness is a killer. I'd say move him into a separate bedroom so it's clear what your views are. It could be that as soon as you got married , he could relax and stop masking

Marriage counselling which is basically an extended session of staring into each other's eyes and talking about your deepest emotions is not going to fix anything in your situation.

Surely there are various different types and outcomes of counselling/therapy?!

Get out of this relationship.

How can someone change if they don’t think they are doing anything wrong?!

The only thing that might prompt change is you having left him!

Sorry for multiple posts but it makes me so mad to read women telling other women to stay in shit relationships.

His behaviour makes you sad and unhappy and he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong!

Why does he have to sleep in the spare room? It’s your decision so you go in there

Well, this is a load of bollocks isn't it? I'd argue happy parents (living separately) is much better than growing up seeing this weird roomate set up as what they should seek from a relationship

Do you the may be in the closet?

@DameVeraLynn very similar here (and exactly same ages) but my DH is married to his phone and TV and his two dogs and not his mother.

I've accepted a long time ago that he's a nice guy but he is incapable of being romantic/emotionally involved.

I'm actually OK with this and have a busy life with the kids and my own hobbies. Yes it feels lonely sometimes and I wish he did want to hug me and so something really nice for me but it just doesn't seem to cross his mind. I think my DH is also on the spectrum. (DS2 is autistic).

I do think it would be easier as a single parent sometimes.

Don’t stay for the kids. They need a happy mum.

We shared the house for 2 years whilst the kids stayed put we moved in and out. 4 days him, 10 days me. It was incredibly difficult towards the end, I would never do it again.

I would leave. My ex was similar and he destroyed my confidence. I have that back now in abundance.

He won’t change. Stop wasting your life waiting for him to do so.

It's unfashionable to stay together for the kids but every study shows that in a low-conflict household, they will have materially worse outcomes if you separate. Don't think "we're low conflict so we'll co-parent well and it'll be better". I've just come back from Christmas with extended family who have the world's most amicable co-parenting situation and the children were still absolutely heartbroken to be shuffled around and not get to spend Christmas with their mum. We all politely said to the parents "isn't it lovely that your co-parenting situation is so amicable" while being heartbroken ourselves.

Marriage counselling which is basically an extended session of staring into each other's eyes and talking about your deepest emotions is not going to fix anything in your situation.

Something does need to change but it could be your approach that changes - the advice from partners of ND people is great and works well with the ND men in my family! Small pieces of direct communication that lead to small concrete changes can add up to a big difference in your mood.

As someone who is divorced from a "nice man" but who left me emotionally neglected I understand your frustration but my advice would be
Understand its not just him. Get counselling for the 2 of you.
It's miserable being divorced
Peri menopause is a bitch and really heightens things
You've nothing to lose by giving counselling a go and really thrashing things out and listening to each other.
And then split if you need to.

Rather than the five weeks a year , could he go stay with her at least two . That way you don't have to cringe yourself through a week of watching their behaviour ?

If your husband isn't giving you the affection you require can you show him how you see a relationship should be ?.
nd people often don't do emotions towards other people and are not touchy feely .

My nd dh doesn't ever hold my hand if out , never hugs me , I haven't had a proper kiss in 15+ years , we've never danced together , and he never shows any spontaneity at all . I've accepted it , it is hard knowing I haven't got the relationship I'd like but I fell in love with the man and accept he is what he is .

It's in your young children's best interests for the two of you to stay living together in the family home.

Absolutely ask him to move into the spare room, and consider yourself separated as a couple, but don't split up the family if he's a good man and a good father.

Please don't be one of those parents who puts their own desires over what's best for their children; there are more than enough of those already.

Are you sure it is about his relationship with your MIL and not just the way he is? It is quite common for people to have very strong emotional attachments to other people (kids being the obvious one but also siblings, friends or parents) but still be perfectly able to have a happy marriage.

Living with 2 ND males, I would suggest :
Being very direct about what you would like at the time eg can you sit on this sofa and stroke my feet, while I watch this please? Don't demand he watch too. Focus on what he can do without being stressed out.Small changes make a big difference sometimes.
Focus on whar he can do because you like it, rather than telling him to stop things.
Don't bombard with lists of verbal demands - he may be overwhelmed and very stressed by this, or zone out to protect himself from those feelings. One thing at a time, at the time.
The idea if sending him to see MIL, is good, for shorter spells, but more often might work. Have her stay 3 times max.
Don't forget you are equally responsible for making him feel loved too, and his needs are just as important. A balance may be established in time.
Only you know if you feel he's worth the effort, in your eyes, or if you'd be happier apart.
I feel for you both.

Oh, sorry. Cross posted!

If your DH refuses to do anything to address the problem then yes, it means that you are left to make the decisions and decide how you want to proceed. I'm sorry, OP. That's pretty rubbish of him.

Perhaps spelling out that if he won't do anything to address the situation your marriage will not survive will prompt him to step up a bit.

Individual counselling for yourself may be far more useful. You don’t need his compliance to engage.

Well, if DH suits you on a practical level, perhaps an affair is a way to meet your needs? Better even, suggest that to him and say that you will conduct it strictly while he is busy with MIL, so it’s a win win. See how he likes a third person in your marriage.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, but it doesn't sound like you've really done much to address the problem. Did you only raise this a few days ago, did I understand that right?

As others upthread suggest, therapy or counselling might be worth a shot? Or even just some active listening sessions. Perhaps both you and your DH could benefit from learning more communication skills?

You place a lot of the blame on your DHs relationship with his mother - I think it may be more.productive to focus on your relationship with him, at least to begin with.

And you don't have much to say about what you actually want. I know it can be hard when we're unhappy to imagine how the future could be, but it seems better to consider what you want and work out how you might achieve that than act just reactively.

If you no longer love or want to be with your DH then that is one thing and the solution is very clear; but I have the sense that you may be more dealing with a communication and behaviour problem that it may be possible to address given the right tools. Which may include learning how to express yourselves, connect, and engage with each other.

Separation as you suggest may not be a bad idea, to allow you to have some space to think. Is all your unhappiness from your relationship, might there be other things going on?