To be done with DH and my marriage?

You are putting up with much more than I would be. MIL staying for a week every couple of months would do my head in. The daily phone calls would be the final straw.

Your DH is essentially not a husband - that is the problem. He is a mummys boy who, once he has her approval, does not see the need to anything else. I think he can have more of an emotional attachment to you but he is so invested in his mother he has nothing left for you. If MIL dies I think the problem will remain in a different form.

Priorities need to change fast but getting your MIL to back off is going to be hard challenge as well. If he is not making your happy and making you feel invisible he is not a good man.

Maybe a long weekend away (just you) to gather your thoughts would be worth considering.

Get out. Can you imagine how unbearable and tedious he is going to be when she passes away? I don't mean to sound heartless, but please don't let it become your problem. If you do then you'll never leave ... and you deserve SO much more.

I’m not sure marriage counselling involving a neurodivergent partner would work, unless the counsellor was autistic themselves.

What's he like with your children, if he's so cold with you? I'm concerned you'd want 50:50 with him. It sounds as though he'd prefer to go and live with his mum - would that be possible.

Like others, I think her death will lead to him having a massive breakdown. It won't result in him being nicer to you.

If he is ND this is the wrong way to go about things. If the marriage counsellor has no current understanding of ND conditions then it will actually be a car crash where he gets blamed for everything. Please don’t assume the counsellor will have up-to-date knowledge about neurodiversity even if she says she does.
getting a diagnosis for your DH is step 1.
depending in that outcome then you’ll be better placed to know what step 2 is.

This is the risk. OP, if/when she gets frail he'll be even more involved with her, and you'll be expected to help him care for her.
Meanwhile you're only 45 and getting nothing but unhappiness from your marriage. He's older, and as he gets to his 60s and 70s he's likely to get worse not better.

MIL staying for 5 weeks a year would not be acceptable to me.

He must go to her. It would be one week maximum and when I was working. I'm not unwelcoming and have a good relationship with my in-laws. But we do not live in each other's pocket and this works great.

You said it is every Xmas with MIL. Sorry, but why allow this from the start? Next year he can go to her or you can make a plan now and go away on holiday. Take the kids and break the routine.

Stop sharing information with your partner if he shares it directly with his mother. Put in boundaries. And do the counseling for yourself.

Tbf most men only usually agree to counselling when it's framed as an ultimatum.

If you have any employee assistance programmes at work, I'd recommend booking a counselling session through them and telling him that a decision not to attend the session is a decision to end the marriage.

Was he affectionate at the beginning of your relationship and before children? Being an only child can somtimes cause a strange co dependency. I would think this would be OK if he also put your needs at special times like Christmas first.
It's a shame he won't do couple's therapy

YANBU wanting to split up. You deserve happiness.

However you cannot “insist on 50:50” etc. There will be a negotiation but if DH says every other weekend is enough for him, that’s all you will get. Do you think he might move back with his sainted mother?

If you think things will be better when the time comes that MIL unfortunately passes away, they won't be, so don't hang on just for that little glimmer of hope. Not saying that things can't be worked out and that you must leave him, but don't pin it all on that.

If he doesn't change things now, he's likely to fall into a pit of depression when MIL does pass away, he will be the victim and his whole life from then will be centered around the fact that his mum has passed away. I've seen it before in similar relationships, conversations always get steered back to how difficult it is for them without the person who died, even years later, and they usually end up pushing away the majority of their close family and friends as they just become so worn down with it.

100% agree that modelling the behaviour you want to receive may not be the best plan.

If I tried this with DW who is ND she would just be delighted at all the loveliness. She wouldn't consider why I was doing it, if I might like to receive the same treatment. OP has said his behaviour is already damaging her self esteem. A charm offensive that doesn't get the desired reaction is going ro hurt OP.

She doesn't need to prove that she tried, she isn't having a tantrum. OP had a calm conversation with her husband, has asked for therapy which he refused. None of this is tantruming.

Looking back, I’m convinced DH is on the spectrum. He has zero emotional intimacy with me, displays no affection, has never had a pet name or used any terms of endearment for me. It’s like I’m someone he lives with albeit a good friend. He’s not unkind towards me.

no idea if DH is on the spectrum but you are definitely hugely ignorant sprouting such nonsense. You clearly no nothing about Asd, so don't make assumptions.

You're free to argue that. I'd argue differently. Obviously.

Doesn’t sound like you want to throw in the towel yet and your DH is willing to work on this.

I think you need to be more open, you are sat there fuming about a phone and movie but DH has no idea. Tell him. Start telling him what you want and dislike, tell him when he does something nice / good. My DH is the same and potentially ND. The only way I made it better was having super clear open communication.

Dont nag him all the time but just set expectations for the evenings. Tonight it would be lovely if we watched a movie together and cuddle. When your mum is here please don’t forget about me and it would be nice if you did x/y. I liked it when you cuddled me after lunch today in the kitchen.

Oh lordy you sound like me. So sorry you're in this situation.
I'm older than you and my kids are grown up. All through my mid 30s I felt so lonely my DH just didn't seem to understand affection and fun. (Still doesn't)
Then I made the Big Mistake of an affair. Won't go into details but we got through it but now I feel I'm permanently locked in to the same old situation as I was the one in the wrong.
DH views affection etc as unnecessary and sissy. Though like your DH he is a good man. He's unlikely to change.
I have concentrated my 40s and 50s on my young adult kids and building friendships and hobbies which give me satisfaction but I am still lonely in my heart.

When MIL dies DH won't suddenly adore you instead of her

MIL has taught him how she wants him to be around and with her

He copies what she has told him to do, over the years, to perfection

You could do the same

It'll take ages and you'll probably feel yuk about it .....also does DH have the capacity to adore 2 women at the same time?

Personally I couldn't be with a man who I had to teach how to love me and care for me, to the degree your DH needs

I'm not sure "modelling" the behaviour you want to see works with neurodiversity. Obviously, when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person, but I find it's better to be very direct about what you need and why. Also someone copying behaviour but not understanding what it's for isn't too helpful in an intimate relationship.

Good post CountFucula, my husband has ADHD, quite significantly, and I agree with the approach

My DH and MIL were like this, then she died and he realised how messed up their relationship was.

Not saying that offing her is the right way to go 😂 but be does clearly need some distance from his Mum to realise that their relationship just isn't right.

It’s a heady time of year, don’t do anything for at least a couple of months.
It’s unfair to put in ultimatums ‘I’ll give him six months to change’ because he clearly doesn’t have the skill or capacity to do what you need or he would have done it. This is a tantrum territory for you where you risk not getting the outcome you want because you are hurt and pushing him to prove you ‘right’ to leave. You don’t need his permission, it doesn’t need to get worse first. You are an adult and can end the marriage today if you want. So why not? Focus on why you haven’t. The fact that you love him, you want love and to feel loved. That’s not the end of a marriage, it could be the start of something new and better. But you’ll need to coach him, show him what you want like a grown up don’t sit and sulk while he fucks it up even more, it’s hurting you both. If he is watching a film instead of being with you you can say to him, can we watch TV another time I’d love to go for a walk/play a board game/ make a meal/ have a cuddle/have sex etc
Act towards him the way you want him to act to you without keeping score. Act with extreme generosity - he needs to be shown. Then make your decision knowing that you have acted in an adult and loving way not a withdrawal of affection in a game of tit for tat. .

I think that counselling could help - whether you stay together or split, it would be very helpful to understand what's going on in his head better. I think @TheyCantBurnUsAll's advice above is good.

I'm NT married to a probably AuDHD man (child is diagnosed AuDHD). I have to be very direct about what I neec. And that included "counselling or split" at one point.

I wonder, do you think your children are NT? In counselling, we realised it was mostly the stress of trying to parent our child, who had some quite extreme behaviour, that was affecting our relationship.

OPs husband has been like this the whole of their relationship, only now she's decided she's had enough.
OP doesn't have to stay in a relationship like this, life's too short to be unhappy, so if she wants to get her head together, so she can leave, she does it from the spare room.

I don't think speaking to his mum everyday is obsessive tbh she's in her 80s.

Also if she lives far away seeing her 5 weeks out of 52 also isn't too ridiculous.

You're hyperfixating on her when actually that isn't the issue. You need more attention
Tell him what you want and how to do it...

Date nights etc
Weekend away