Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

@ThatRareUmberJoker you're a special kind of optimist aren't you?

They're young in their late 20's he's made it up to her even though he said a childish comment. She will enjoy her birthday with her son and husband. She wished herself a happy birthday. The day will improve.

Kicked her when she's down?

She's abusive she controlling. She also asked if she was being unreasonable. Most people are saying she is.

If a bloke posted in OPs shoes, respondents like you would be very different. And the whole #BeKind white is just a misogynistic term to shut women up from having an opinion. The OP asked for opinions. HTH.

And also, none of this would've happened if you didn't demand, want proof and press on about a birthday card. You were the one who wouldn't drop it, so you do have most of the blame in this.

If you didn't want these issues, then done raise them.

He's probably reached breaking point from your constant unrealistic demands and controlling behaviours.

I don't condone the name calling, at all, but he's probably just had enough and rightly so.

That's not ok, especially dragging the argument over. He fucked up, lied , you got upset, he got upset all pretty straight forward, but the name calling and dragging it over to the next day is not acceptable.

Just to offer a different perspective on the lying part. I had a difficult and traumatic childhood, so I learned to lie . To avoid being in trouble, to avoid confrontation, to keep myself safe etc. It took years of being with OH to finally feel safe enough to just own up to anything because nothing bad will happen. I still instinctively panic and my first reaction might be to lie , but I take a deep breath and engage the rational part of my brain.

This. He shouldn’t have lied and he should apologise, unreservedly, given that he knows how you feel about it BUT you made the lack of a card - the day before your birthday - into a big deal. You can say ‘it’s not about the card’, but if that was actually true, when he mentioned not having it, you’d have just said that it didn’t matter rather than digging for more information. He felt ‘got at’/guilty for forgetting and did what his upbringing probably conditioned him to do: make up a small lie to buy time to fix his mistake. This isn’t ‘good’, but it’s totally normal. If you expect him to be understanding of how your past affects you now, and it sounds like he usually is open and honest, then you have to also be understanding of when he slips up because of how his past affects him.

'He has had something happen recently that I could’ve went to pieces over and when my mental health practitioner and I were chatting I was telling her about it and she asked if it made me have a dip in my mental health. I told her it had the opposite effect because I realised I needed to step up and be a support for my husband rather than me being another thing for him to worry about'

@Pitypartayfor1

OP, the more you post, the more I think you're abusive. The poor bloke can't go through something personal or a hard time without worrying that you've 'went to pieces' over. Your expectations are wildly beyond no white lies. BPD and mental health problems aren't an excuse to be this controlling.

@ThatRareUmberJoker I don't think you read the update properly!

Her husband just bought her bunch of flowers and was given to her by her son. I don't think she will be back now they're in love again.

What's abusive about that? Genuinely interested.

This. Completely agree with all of this.

Well done MN posters, another woman kicked while she's down, and on her birthday.

A man lies and name calls, but of course it's her fault.

I bet the (many of) nasty posters were posting #bekind everywhere not that long ago, hypocritical vipers.

Get over yourself. You sound narcissistic to me. Let him be a normal
human and work on your own issues some more instead of expecting him to change.

Oh, dear, just saw your latest post after I posted. I hope you both get past this today and your birthday isn’t spoiled.

Sorry I disagree. They are not the same in terms of what the lie covers.

I understand exactly how you feel, I have a sister (nc) who is a pathological liar and delighted in stirring trouble for me with our parents when we were children. It’s left me with a lifelong loathing of liars and I’m intolerant of the slightest fib.

That said, I think YABU in this instance. He was evasive because he had something planned, and you put him through the third degree. Make your peace with him, because he didn’t really do anything wrong, but use the opportunity to explain very clearly how you feel and why.

I hope you have a lovely birthday 🎉

Being honest, this sounds like excuses. Behaving in a controlling manner under the guise of mental health doesn't make it any less abusive.

I think there's a lot, lot more going on here than a lie about a birthday card. Neither of you seem to be behaving well at all.

I’ve read all your posts, OP, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s rough and, with your PD, must hugely affect your ability to regulate your emotional responses.

You are still being unreasonable though. No-one is here to regulate your emotions for you - you are making demands of your husband that are irrational and unreasonable.

You think that never telling a single white lie is some easy act of complete honesty. In reality, our entire society is built on the little lies we tell each other and those kinds of lies are ingrained into us. It is the social glue that holds us all together. So the demands you are putting on your husband are, yes, unreasonable. Your response is way out of proportion and it sounds like, for once, your husband is pushing back and setting a reasonable boundary with you regarding how you react in these situations.

It is your responsibility to recognise when you are being triggered, take a step back, and have a process in place to calm down and analyse whether your reaction is reasonable and proportionate. It is not your husband’s responsibility to live up to impossible standards and then take a disproportionate response to transgressions.

Completely understand where you are coming from OP I grew up in a household with a problem drinker and as a result struggle with been lied too. Such a small lie from DH knowing how you feel is thoughtless on his part.

It’s good you can recognise that others would react differently but ultimately this is triggering for you and it’s ok to be annoyed.

Honestly op I do understand hating lies and being triggered by them, I was with a compulsive liar and now I just hate it when my partner tells any lies even if small or harmless. But the truth of the matter is, every single person sometimes lies.

Can you honestly say you never ever lie?

Although I detest people lying when I thought about it, I also lie sometimes. I've said I feel unwell when I don't want to go out somewhere, I've said someone's hair cut looks nice when I hate it, I've said I'm fine when really I'm annoyed, etc etc. You may not realise it but you will occasionally lie.

So yes I'd say to your husband I'd rather you told me the truth, but please don't ruin this relationship by punishing for things your ex has done. You're never going to find anyone on this earth who never ever tells a lie.

god help him

youre hard work op

I had an ex who similarly had a red line on lies. I’m a normally honest person. The dinner my husband has cooked doesn’t taste good, I keep schtum and tell him it’s lovely if he asks. But, if I’ve fucked up, I own it.

But this ex was pathological about sniffing out lies. Once I’d got the wrong end of the stick from a friend, but he went off on a detective hunt, asking people what they remembered about something trivial to prove I was lying. Only I wasn’t: I was mistaken. I hadn’t given him the objective verifiable facts, true, but had honestly given those as I believed them to be. This didn’t matter to him at all. As far as he was concerned it proved I was a liar.

He would also ask to see the “receipts” if he felt he had cause not to believe me. It was exhausting having my integrity questioned about inconsequential things and, importantly where there was no wrongdoing on my part, so I ended it. Largely, because I knew it was going to damage me if I stayed — and I had also had a relationship with a compulsive gambler, who lied all the time, so could understand a desire for honesty in a relationship as it’s important to me too.